Cowgirl Up!

Have a great Labor Day weekend!

Kiss my Ass, its Irish!

Construction/contracting consultants are big fat money grubbing Asshats and whores! They have a license to steal!

#1Asshat: C'mon, throw in a buck or a few thousand!

PinkCowgirl: Uh-uh, I don't tip.

#1Asshat: You don't tip?

PinkCowgirl: Nah, I don't believe in it.

#1Asshat: You don't believe in tipping?

Overpricedconsultantfoddling his junk: You know what these guys make? They make shit.

PinkCowgirl: Don't give me that. He don't make enough money then He can quit.

#1Asshat: I don't even know a fucking Jew who'd have the balls to say that. Let me get this straight: you don't ever tip?

PinkCowgirl: I don't tip because society says I have to. All right, if someone deserves a tip, if they really put forth an effort, I'll give them something a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, it's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doing their job.

Overpricedconsultantfoddlinghis junk: Hey, our guy was nice.

PinkCowgirl: He was okay. He wasn't anything special.

Overpricedconsultantfoddling hisjunk: What's special? Take you in the back and suck your dick? #1Asshat: I'd go over twelve percent for that.

PinkCowgirl ad libing: Fuck 'em. Give 'em a dollar!

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

"Breaking the law, breaking the lawBreaking the law, breaking the lawBreaking the law, breaking the lawBreaking the law, breaking the law"

I'm an outlaw. It was a beautiful, full moon evening and I was driving along a long, lazy country lane. You know the type of country road---with cottonwoods,the occasional tumbleweed, and jack rabbit or road runner. The smell of alfalfa filtered in through my nostrils and the music blared as I hit a cruising speed of 50mph. Apparently, going twice the speed limit is bad. I realized this as the photo flash went off on the Sheriff's speed radar van! I was astonished and taken aback! When was the last time I was CAUGHT speeding?

Cue "Wayne's World" theme music:

1991

I was about 18-years-old and I was driving the best car ever: my 1976 5-speed Toyota Celica GT coupe!It was my first car and what a blast to learn how to drive a 5-speed,stick shift while all the other powder puff girls were driving their mom's automatics. I loved that baby and I'm surprised I didn't name it and/or have some sad eulogy when we sold 'er for parts! I was going about 75/80mph on the freeway back when 55mph was the standard. I was about to make it to my exit--Scott-free, then I saw the lights. The Highway Patrol pulled me over. I started to cry, not because I was trying to use my feminine wiles (I was only 18) or because I was scared, but because I knew my parents would be pissed! It almost worked on the soft/cute officer, but he decided to teach me a lesson and give me a ticket. He had seen way too many accidents---yada yada yada! I was astonished and taken aback at that moment too because not unlike Michael Vick,Nicole Ritchie,insert random celebrity name here I had some immunity because of my links to the police force. Having an officer related to you is like a "get out o' jail" free card and a blessing for an adolescent with a license. There were a few times previous to the highway incident, when I was let go with a gentle chiding (I don't know if that is a word---but it works).

I broke the law two other times today too: I blew off jury duty (that's right I could potentially be federal jail bait if I were still 18) AND I parked in a space that was clearly labeled for "small or electric cars only"!

If I can't have my Mercedes SL550, or a 350Z, I would love to have a sporty little Celica GT again!

Venationes & Damnati

Hot off the press (MTV:http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1567865/20070824/dmx.jhtml): "DMX's Arizona Home Raided; A Dozen Pit Bulls Removed From Residence
Police also discovered weapons cache; no charges have been filed against rapper. "

"Deputies with the Maricopa County sheriff's office raided the Cave Creek, Arizona, home of rapper DMX on Friday morning (August 24), and according to a police spokesperson, 12 pit bulls were removed from the residence, all in bad condition. Police would not get into specifics but did say the animals are being tended to by veterinarians. "

What gives? Now, I know that this sport of blood lust has been going on for probably thousands of years before Micheal Vick. If it wasn't pit bulls, it was cocks,bears,people,cats,tigers,lions--oh my http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gladiator! Maybe the current publicity will get people to act more civilized and less barbaric?

You can take the gangsta out o' the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out o' the gangsta! They collect more pit bulls and illegal,cop-killer weapons than suburban soccer moms collect designer bags and botox injections! Modern gangsta thugs are the set up for the perfect American Express commercial:

Hennessy in a pimp chalice,iced finger and bling,nasty-ass ho's,chronic,pit bulls,firearms, AND getting the NAACP to back your ass/career, PRICELESS!

If my dog, Earl Grey wasn't so refined and neutered, I would be tempted to start something similar in suburbia. After a quaint Pampered Chef,Mary Kay,Arbonne,Avon(you thought that died with the 80's didn't you?),Creative Memories, Cookie Lee,or fill-in-the-blank pyramid scheme, the hostess could pile all of her earnings in a cash pot for the real games! Let the Sangria flow in your Tuscany influenced glass as you bet on Betty's Standard Poodle "Lacey" vs my bad ass mother fucker Irish Wolfhound! Of course, we would obliterate those BITCHES and I would end up with a brand new pink Escalade. They would be lining up their pampered poodles around the block for a chance to do it doggy-style with Earl the Dominator! I would charge a minimum of $2,000 just for a chance to lock uglies with my stud and then I would sell the little G's for more G's!Are you skar'd? YOU should be!

On a serious note:

Listen up low-class America! What does it feel like to be put in bondage for profit,tortured,starved,and hanged?

I don't advocate killing or torturing animals for any reason, but I also do not advocate keeping POTENTIALLY vicious animals as pets either: This is just ONE online testimony against keeping pit bulls as pets (there are numerous references): http://www.stoppitbullattacks.com/

If you can't get enough of the blood lust, why don't we put Michael Vick or DMX in with one of their killers. Now, that would be an event the Greek gladiators would be proud of!

Jumped the Shark!

I'm 90% sure that I heard this statement on a commercial on the radio the other morning: "I'm John Bunnell and I encourage you to try (fill in the blank radio). Head down to Best Buy today!"

WTF? He was losing some street cred when he went from Sheriff to host of realty t.v. cop shows. I'm sure the other cops were taunting him and calling him Pussy among other epitephs during the 90's.

Then he went from host of Cops to cameos in movies like "Bad Santa"---another couple of notches down in street cred.

Now a commercial?Come on! I've lost all respect for him now! I'm sure that the police (technically I guess the Sheriff's dept. isn't police) AND the bad guys are looking for him so they can beat him up and take the rest of his dignity!

Although--I know another retired guy from the force (the real police force--not those Sheriff posers) and he now has mountain-man,Ted Kazinsky facial hair,

Mickey-mouse,Hawaiian shirts,

and "Jesus" shoes (Birkenstock-type sandals)!

Wow! Being a law enforcer (that is a word--look it up) must tweak your mind!

This is why IT guys are hot!

1) They know the binary code for *69*
2) They know how many bytes are in a GB (I knew this morning, but then forgot? 1million something....?)
3)They are so well-endowed that they don't need to drive a manly truck with balls. In fact, they are probably driving a tiny,skate of a car like a Ford Festiva!
4)They drive hard, I mean they can install a hard drive
5)Their lovin's so hot it burns...CD's!
6)They are probably WAAYYY more into their computers than sports, so no need to worry about your weekends being monopolized by the current pro sport team (especially MLS).
7)They generally abhor fitness and weight training, so there's more energy,time, and man for you!

Inadequate Baller

"I wish I was little bit taller,I wish I was a ballerI wish I had a girl who looked goodI would call herI wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala"

Beckham is hot off the field I'll give him that, but he is muy feo on the field! He couldn't even beat---his meat if it was right in front of him. He's shooting blanks-- into the goal,He can't find the hole---I mean net......um I can keep thinking of sexual analogies,but I'll stop!

Why are we paying one piddly little man so much dinero when the women would be so much more fun to watch AND play better? Suckers! Knowing American sports fans, they will probably pay some hobo off the street before they'll acknowledge that women's sports exist, but at least the hobo would probably be MORE entertaining and cost less than Beckham!

I can kick Beckham's ass and block his balls!

Delectable Nuttiness!

No---That isn't some sort of slang term for a stripper! Come on! You guys are always in the gutter!

Fluffernutter Sammich!

Prep: 5 min, Cook: 5 min.
4 slices white bread, lightly toasted
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup marshmallow creme
1/4 cup chocolate topping

Turn on broiler. Spread peanut butter on one side of each slice of bread. Dot with marshmallow creme. Broil 1-2 minutes until marshmallow is crusty and golden brown. Serve drizzled with chocolate topping.

Per serving: calories 412, fat 22.2g, 45% calories from fat, cholesterol 3mg, protein 12.4g, carbohydrates 49.8g, fiber 2.2g, sugar 28.0g, sodium 386mg, diet points 10.2.Dietary Exchanges: Milk: 0.0, Vegetable: 0.0, Fruit: 0.0, Bread: 1.1, Lean meat: 0.8, Fat: 3.6, Sugar: 1.8, Very lean meat protein: 0.0

Stocked at the Fishmarket?

Something smells fishy?!WTF*#*))%

Free Willy!

I was going to post a picture of Val Kilmer on my school-girl,six pack,hottie side o' the blog and boast that he is waaayyyy hotter than Tom Cruise. But then I found this picture of a beached whale instead (I think he just swallowed a six pack):

Wonder Woman will kick your ass!

Fake character real boobs?

80's Cliche

As I rocked out to Depeche Mode the other day, I came to the sad realization that I'm an 80's cliche. Not in the slightly obese,owns 3-4 cats,dresses in bright florals,dangles New Orleans beads from the rear view mirror,Garfield cat hanging from the car door window,paw prints on the back of my car, pet charity license plate sort of way. BUT, in the following ways:

I DID own an extensive "My little pony" collection, although none quite so edgy as my friend "pimp pony" above!


I am the original "HOLLY HOBBIE" collector. We even made Holly Hobbie cookies from her recipe book for Christmas and I now have to go to ANTIQUE stores to find her! ANTIQUE stores people (*sob*)


I still call flip flops THONGS!

I went to a Depeche Mode concert less than a year ago!

My hair is naturally still BIG and in your face!

I just recently gave up the ankle slouch socks for the more trendy ped-like socks!

I resist the urge to fill my wardrobe with polka dots, fuscia, leg warmers,floral prints, and stretch pants (most of the time)!

I would still do JAZZERCISE to this day if it wasn't such an obscure, 60's + crowd now!

I liked the Police and Sting equally well!

We did choreographed masterpieces to MC HAMMER in my drill team class in high school!

I can't get enough of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince or the artist formerly known as Prince who is now Prince again?

I say AWESOME at least once a week if not once a day!

Top Gun and Jaws are a couple of my favorite movies and I still have a huge crush on Mel Gibson and his films (even though he is an eccentric,entire island owning,fanatical catholic,antisemitic--at least he's honest and not some pc milquetoast conformist)

I miss the BONGO line o' jeans and bright plastic watches!

I DID own the entire Garfield book series

I OWNED an Atari and played KABOOM incessantly!

Did I mention I had a stuffed unicorn the size of Earl Grey?

At one point, I had a Pegasus mural painted on my bedroom wall---that's right--I said Pegasus (complete with pastel colored rainbow and wistful clouds).

Can't forget LINDA CARTER! I never missed an episode of WONDER WOMAN and even dressed up like her for Halloween including a bad,fake,black wig!She had the rojo mojo going on! Check out those red boots!

@)(#*%)@*^)%(#

A Chinese couple wants to name their child @. That's right: @. In a country where you are only legally allowed one child, they pick a computer text symbol? Now, if they are wealthy they COULD just pay fees and have more offspring.
Then if they have a boy, they can call him "Hotmail" (get it?)! A girl named "." and another child named "Com". I can hear them yelling at the kids to come in from outside: " getinhere@hotmail.com!" getinhere@hotmail.com!
There would be lots of confusion. Can you imagine? I'm meeting @. Where are you meeting @? @ isn't here!
It would be one of the simplest ways to sign your name. Even brain-dead, inmates could replace the typical "X" with "@" or "#".
I couldn't indicate excessive swearing with @(##&@(!!! anymore! People would think I'm just randomly texting their names!
If your LAST name was a character and you got married to another character, you could avoid the cumbersome, hyphenated last name syndrome by just using Jane @-# or maybe your spouse is just -. How simple is that? Jane @-. I like it! But where do the characters end? For instance, Jane @-. the "." indicates yet another name!

Rojo Mojo

Unlike everyone else, I had to actually wait until I was 17 to see a rated R movie and "Pretty Woman" was it! I know its sad--you can lament now.

Ladies---if you want to increase the odds of getting laid, add some or all the red accessories:

1)Red finger nails---shiny and candy apple must remind guys of sports cars because they get all randy when they see them!

2)Red lipstick or lip gloss--You know why the mouth is such an erogenous zone right? Do I have to spell it out for you?

3)The little red dress is always a good cfm choice, but it's what is on the inside that counts! A lacy red bustier and barely there thong are sure to entice!

4)Don't forget the patent red high heels! Those are so hot, the salesmen at the store will be flocking to you before you even purchase them!

5)Fun red foods: licorice,cherries,strawberries,popsicles.....

Follow my advice and you WILL be getting a night cap!

AZ Meanderings

As a park ranger, I get around---the United States! I often visit Arizona and have realized with some remorse that I haven't been on a hike there in about 2 years! Maybe it is my reputation as a death march drill Sergeant, but I can't seem to muster up enough people to make a hiking outing! You take people on one little 6-8 hour trek through the desert wilderness and they stop taking your phone calls/answering your emails! When people go on outings with me, about 2-3 miles/hours into it, they remember that they had a birthday party to go to, some other civilized event to attend,they have to use the restroom, or they're hungry. Whiners and pussies!Come on people!Well, maybe they have some reason to fear/loath enjoying nature with me:


Notice the guy with nasty pointy teeth in the middle of the trail? I like to call him Sunny the Sunbather! Earl Grey was ahead of us and luckily set the rattler off to warn us!

But not all trail visitors/natives are so testy, take the regal horned toad for instance. He/she has such a cute ambling demeanor and striking red colors:

In the Superstition mountains, cholla give nice texture and contrast to the wildflowers and brittlebush after a rainy season, but they can be nasty little bastards. Earl Grey got a huge,fishhook-like barb stuck in his paw on one trip. He is much more careful about his bounding explorations now!

Picacho Peak between Phoenix and Tucson is chilly and still after a rain:

Last, but not least! You have to enjoy the splendor of the Grand Canyon. Even though I haven't hiked in awhile, I still enjoy visiting the canyon from time to time. Now, where are my hiking boots.....

Imbibe Like a RapStar!

http://www.intakeweekly.com/articles/6/020082-6886-151.html

Party Like a Rockstar too!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_IbV_aPsQ1I

Robb Report Anecdotes

Some interesting things an addled woman's mind learned from the Robb Report:

1) The Robb Report has at least one female contributor and 6 female editors

2) Mark Twain,Samual Clemens,was an unsuccessful investor back in the day. His most notorious failed investment was a watch company. You don't learn that shit in middle school.

3) The People's Republic of China released a political billiards set in the 1950's. The red cue ball represented "China" and the other balls were the enemies of the state like disease, political dissenters,the U.S. If I were to put together a billiards set,the cue ball would represent me. I would have other balls that represented 1)Scrotum Illustrated (I mean Sports Illustrated), 2)luxury hotel chain ignorance,3)Michael Vick,4)procrastinating architects,5)service businesses that refuse to open before 10am and/or on Sundays,6)silly/fluffy women's mags,7)car salesmen who emphasize the vanity mirror,8)women over 40 who insist on wearing Victoria's Secret "Pink" attire,9)mysterious pubic hairs in public places (shudder),10)loud, "state the obvious" guys at movies,11)women like me who had to look up how many balls are in a billiard set,12)Walmart bashers,13)pretentious peop's,14)majority of insects in my living quarters, and 15)people who don't drive their sports cars like they're hot---blow my panties off baby!

4)The Icon is a jeep on 'roids that is damn sexy and environmentally sound(I presume it comes in a 5 speed--I can control the speed with my hands on the gear): http://www.trentperformance.com/icon.html and Lexus now has a luxury hybrid: http://www.lexus.com/models/GSh/http://www.lexus.com/models/GSh/http://www.lexus.com/models/GSh/. Now all I need is a sporty coupe hybrid.....?

5)China,(1950's and 1960's), commissioned artistic propaganda similar to the U.S.'s Rosie the Riveter era (1940's):

You knew you were going to see some sort of feminist propaganda eventually--She looks like she's flipping us off!

6)Costa Rica is an Audubon Society playground with an abundance of natural diversity and recreation opportunities! An excellent recreational travel company is "Backroads". Check out http://www.backroads.com/

7)Fun gi's are hard to find--no really--shiitake takes careful cultivation.

There's No Women in the VIP Room!

No Women
Verse: Ladies and Gentleman of the leisure class of 2007, I have a piece of advice for you. No matter what a hotel tells you, there's no women in the VIP room. None. Oh there's champagne and hookers in the VIP room, but you dont want champagne or hookers, you want women, and theres no women in the VIP room.

(Chorus) No women in the VIP room, No women in the VIP room, No women in the VIP room, No women in the VIP room, No women in the VIP room, No women in the VIP room, Theres absolutely positively no women in the VIP room.

I came to the above conclusion on my last trip to LA (you know the one where the rental car attendant couldn't even SPELL hybrid). I was staying on the VIP floor of a luxury hotel--the floor with the super secret elevator key. I did not see anyone of the female persuasion on that level except for Julia the housekeeper. I waited in the Starbucks line with men in business attire and of course I had the most complicated request---a chai tea latte with soy and a toasted bagel with lowfat cream cheese (you know a high maintenance, pseudo jew has to get their bagel on). I quietly ate my breakfast while those around me watched the ESPN channel and chatted business. After breakfast, I went to the retail shop and tried to look like I wasn't looking at porn while trying to find the business mags under all the men's eye candy. I suppose I could have stayed in the "female area" with mags like "O" and the ever intellectually stimulating "Cosmo" (how many articles CAN you post on how to give a guy a blow job?)! Anyway, I finally/excitedly found the "Robb Report--car edition". I walked up to the counter and set it down. The cashier looked at me and stated "Oh--he likes his cars doesn't he?" I looked around, then looked at my chest and became profoundly puzzled. Did she think that I was purchasing this for a male companion? She looked at the hot guy next to me and queried--"Would you like a bag for this mag sir?". He politely declined and deferred the question to me with the female prefix "ma'am" (any woman over the age of 20 is forever delegated "ma'am"--the most annoying thing in the world). The final insult to injury occurred when I called down to check out via phone that morning. The man on the other line answered "You are ready to check out MR. EAGLE?" Holy batshit batman! Of course he apologized when I answered in a voice with octaves so high I was either pre-pubescent or a woman.

The Sirens' call

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sirens

Capricious bitch

I saw this biker babe in traffic today and I whimsically wished I was her momentarily. She had a "devil may care" air about her. Not to slim, young or handsome but full of spunk none the less. She was astride a beautiful, red Harley Davidson and her hair would have been blowing in the wind except that safety first girl had a sturdy helmet. She was free! Free to drive around mid-day with her mid-drift showing in a very much too tight hot pink tank top and her sketchers sportingly hanging on to her ride! She scoffed at the rest of us middle-class riff raf with our generic four door sedans and safety paneling. Her demeanor and frivolous attitude dared you to guess--is she really a hard ass biker bitch or Betty your next door neighbor heading to Kohl's for a sale?

Poetry Hour

Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

1. The Road Not Taken


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
5

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,
10

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.
15

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.
20

Koi fish freeze out

I've always wanted to enjoy a Koi fish pond, but up here in the far north everytime I try to enjoy one--old hoary father winter freezes me out! If I were able to visit and enjoy a pond I would name the platinum fish Paris, she wouldn't eat much, but she would be the main breeder.

The crazy fish that eats all the garbage would be called "Lindsay". I would have another brood fish called "Brittany" and she wouldn't take care of her young.

But, alas I can't enjoy koi ponds anymore. Maybe I'll learn the alphabet instead.

Menarche

What did you do this weekend? Instead of reading useless gossip sites and posting generic pictures of random six packs, I had several naked black men cut scars into my skin with razor blades to release my mother's essence as a coming of age ceremony http://www9.nationalgeographic.com/channel/taboo/index.html! No---just kidding. I'm just a tame suburban white woman who's menarche was over 2 decades ago! I guess it isn't only great to be a woman in the fucking U S of A,but it is great to be a male child here too!

Victor/Victoria

TGIF!!!!Holy shit! I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted that everyone thinks I'm a male mascarading as a chick! Am I that poor or that good? I can't tell!
It is great to be a woman in the fucking U S of A though! HEll YEA! I can drive my car as fucking fast as I want, buy lunch and dinner, play the ho or play a man and all the men!
I don't really "suit up" when I impersonate though. Do you guys wear heels while you fondle your packages and pretend to be Ladies and girls?
Last time I checked I really have breasts! Losers!

I knew I should've used some big ol' tits and/or a rock hard ass as my avitar. Then you lusty,randy hounds would be all over that shit!

American Woman

American woman, stay away from me American woman, mama let me be Don't come hanging around my door I don't want to see your face no more I got more important things to do Than spend my time growin' old with you Now woman, stay away American woman, listen what I say

Damn NVidia/Twin View

I've been found out! I should've taken those harder computer classes in school! But a little ol' minor degree with minimal excel navigation can't get by with kindergarten level copy and paste! The Eagle does like her some furry little mammal though! I'm a huge proponent of evolution, however. Nature will find a way!

Sexy July Six Packs

Tit or Tat?

If I were to artificially enhance my so far pristine body (ear piercings are the most radical ELECTIVE alteration I've had), would I get boobs or a tramp stamp,cum catcher,semen reservoir? I think I would get both! Some of the tramp stamp design ideas that intrigue me are: