Break Pigskin with Me

If there is one thing women can do (other than their sexual attributes) its cook some mean half-time meals for the big game (then maybe do some sewing and keep an emaculate house). You know, women are competitive that way!

I have the perfect pigs in a blanket recipe:

Ingredients: Little Smokies and Pillsbury croissants dough

Directions:

Cut the raw dough into little triangles with scissors

Wrap each smokie in a "croissant" triangle and bake according to Pillsbury directions!

Mmmmm.....Good.

Now that you have more free time---you too can sneak a peek at Tom Brady's "swollen"...er....."ankle"!

Every Game Needs a Man?

According to Gatorade's latest commercial "Every Game Needs a Hero" just in time for the Superbowl, the only female sport worth advertising is women's tennis. There are four sports represented: football,baseball, basketball, and tennis. Conspicuously missing: The WNBA, OLYMPIC WINNING women's softball, and women's soccer among others!? I could tell that if there was even one woman on their creative team, she was obviously dick-whipped. The 100% testosterone-driven, monosyllabic team of Jon, Doug, Ron, Steve, Rob, Bob, and Red felt it was vitally important to show male-dominated sport images at least 13x compared to the homogeneous image of the SAME woman in a tight skirt 4x!! Not only is it the same woman in every shot, but she is the quintessential sex symbol with long, flowing blond hair, cleavage baring tank top and tennis skirt. Where are Serina and Venis Williams--Are they inconveniently too black and powerful to be seen as sex objects and/or good athletes? After my daughter (with a fractured fibula) and I sat there and counted up the discrepancies in gender and race images, I advised her to change her sport. The only way female athletes will make money professionally in the United States is if they are shaking that T & A, posing for MAXIM half-clothed, or working the streets as a prostitute and they obviously won't be working for Gatorade's ad department!
Why doesn't Gatorade be a little more obvious with their point and just show random images of scantily clad cheerleaders bending over front and back view. Now THAT would sell some sports drink!
BTW---My daughter happens to love Gatorade and drinks it frequently, but I may consider switching to the generic electrolyte beverage---I'll save money and my fucking blood pressure! Gatorade doesn't need little sport girl funding for their brand, they apparently get plenty of income from big sweaty guys in tight pants (don't get me wrong--I like a big sweaty guy in tight pants as much as the next gal and sexual imagery has its place--just not on the playing field).
Gatorade should change their slogan to "Every Gatorade Ad Needs a Woman's Input" or the more appropriate: "Every Gatorade Exec can Kiss my Irish Ass!"

Avian Deceit!

Why does size matter?

"The Cardinals cut veteran center Nick Leckey (60) on Tuesday.
In a move not unexpected, the Cardinals released center Nick Leckey Tuesday.
The team filled the roster spot by re-signing linebacker Brandon Johnson, who had been cut when the Cards signed new center Chukky Okobi last week.
Leckey’s roster spot had grown tenuous as undrafted rookie Lyle Sendlein ascended the depth chart to back up starter Al Johnson.
Al Johnson sprained a knee in the season opener and the Cards decided to sign Okobi, a free agent who had played for offensive line coach Russ Grimm and coach Ken Whisenhunt in Pittsburgh.
Okobi’s arrival made for four centers on the roster, too large a number for the long-term.
Leckey had been battling a knee sprain suffered in the preseason, but he was healthy Sunday against Seattle and was still declared inactive. Okobi, who was dressed but did not play against Seattle, was Sendlein’s backup in the game.
Leckey started 11 games in 2006 and nine in 2005 after being drafted in the sixth round out of Kansas State in 2004. He outplayed the fourth-round selection that season, one-time starter Alex Stepanovich.
But the Cardinals, seeking someone with more size than the 6-foot-3, 290-pound Leckey, picked up Al Johnson as a free agent with a four-year, $17.5 million contract. Then Sendlein impressed the coaches throughout the offseason and training camp.
Leckey’s salary was also $1.3 million, a hefty amount for a reserve who was going to be a long shot to be active on Sundays.
Al Johnson is expected to miss at least one more game (http://www.azcardinals.com/news/detail.php?PRKey=1922)."

Remember when sports used to be based on athletic prowess and skill? Now you have to be a fucking sumo wrestler/steam roller to play "football". Does anyone wonder why these super-sized athletes keep injuring themselves and pulling their muscles? Maybe we need to get back to basics and focus on increasing the maneuverability,safety,and SPORT of football instead of watching a bunch of way-too-tight ends bouncing off each other like Godzillas in a pinball machine! We will miss you cutie Nicky!

Venationes & Damnati

Hot off the press (MTV:http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1567865/20070824/dmx.jhtml): "DMX's Arizona Home Raided; A Dozen Pit Bulls Removed From Residence
Police also discovered weapons cache; no charges have been filed against rapper. "

"Deputies with the Maricopa County sheriff's office raided the Cave Creek, Arizona, home of rapper DMX on Friday morning (August 24), and according to a police spokesperson, 12 pit bulls were removed from the residence, all in bad condition. Police would not get into specifics but did say the animals are being tended to by veterinarians. "

What gives? Now, I know that this sport of blood lust has been going on for probably thousands of years before Micheal Vick. If it wasn't pit bulls, it was cocks,bears,people,cats,tigers,lions--oh my http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gladiator! Maybe the current publicity will get people to act more civilized and less barbaric?

You can take the gangsta out o' the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out o' the gangsta! They collect more pit bulls and illegal,cop-killer weapons than suburban soccer moms collect designer bags and botox injections! Modern gangsta thugs are the set up for the perfect American Express commercial:

Hennessy in a pimp chalice,iced finger and bling,nasty-ass ho's,chronic,pit bulls,firearms, AND getting the NAACP to back your ass/career, PRICELESS!

If my dog, Earl Grey wasn't so refined and neutered, I would be tempted to start something similar in suburbia. After a quaint Pampered Chef,Mary Kay,Arbonne,Avon(you thought that died with the 80's didn't you?),Creative Memories, Cookie Lee,or fill-in-the-blank pyramid scheme, the hostess could pile all of her earnings in a cash pot for the real games! Let the Sangria flow in your Tuscany influenced glass as you bet on Betty's Standard Poodle "Lacey" vs my bad ass mother fucker Irish Wolfhound! Of course, we would obliterate those BITCHES and I would end up with a brand new pink Escalade. They would be lining up their pampered poodles around the block for a chance to do it doggy-style with Earl the Dominator! I would charge a minimum of $2,000 just for a chance to lock uglies with my stud and then I would sell the little G's for more G's!Are you skar'd? YOU should be!

On a serious note:

Listen up low-class America! What does it feel like to be put in bondage for profit,tortured,starved,and hanged?

I don't advocate killing or torturing animals for any reason, but I also do not advocate keeping POTENTIALLY vicious animals as pets either: This is just ONE online testimony against keeping pit bulls as pets (there are numerous references): http://www.stoppitbullattacks.com/

If you can't get enough of the blood lust, why don't we put Michael Vick or DMX in with one of their killers. Now, that would be an event the Greek gladiators would be proud of!

Inadequate Baller

"I wish I was little bit taller,I wish I was a ballerI wish I had a girl who looked goodI would call herI wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala"

Beckham is hot off the field I'll give him that, but he is muy feo on the field! He couldn't even beat---his meat if it was right in front of him. He's shooting blanks-- into the goal,He can't find the hole---I mean net......um I can keep thinking of sexual analogies,but I'll stop!

Why are we paying one piddly little man so much dinero when the women would be so much more fun to watch AND play better? Suckers! Knowing American sports fans, they will probably pay some hobo off the street before they'll acknowledge that women's sports exist, but at least the hobo would probably be MORE entertaining and cost less than Beckham!

I can kick Beckham's ass and block his balls!

Robb Report Anecdotes

Some interesting things an addled woman's mind learned from the Robb Report:

1) The Robb Report has at least one female contributor and 6 female editors

2) Mark Twain,Samual Clemens,was an unsuccessful investor back in the day. His most notorious failed investment was a watch company. You don't learn that shit in middle school.

3) The People's Republic of China released a political billiards set in the 1950's. The red cue ball represented "China" and the other balls were the enemies of the state like disease, political dissenters,the U.S. If I were to put together a billiards set,the cue ball would represent me. I would have other balls that represented 1)Scrotum Illustrated (I mean Sports Illustrated), 2)luxury hotel chain ignorance,3)Michael Vick,4)procrastinating architects,5)service businesses that refuse to open before 10am and/or on Sundays,6)silly/fluffy women's mags,7)car salesmen who emphasize the vanity mirror,8)women over 40 who insist on wearing Victoria's Secret "Pink" attire,9)mysterious pubic hairs in public places (shudder),10)loud, "state the obvious" guys at movies,11)women like me who had to look up how many balls are in a billiard set,12)Walmart bashers,13)pretentious peop's,14)majority of insects in my living quarters, and 15)people who don't drive their sports cars like they're hot---blow my panties off baby!

4)The Icon is a jeep on 'roids that is damn sexy and environmentally sound(I presume it comes in a 5 speed--I can control the speed with my hands on the gear): http://www.trentperformance.com/icon.html and Lexus now has a luxury hybrid: http://www.lexus.com/models/GSh/http://www.lexus.com/models/GSh/http://www.lexus.com/models/GSh/. Now all I need is a sporty coupe hybrid.....?

5)China,(1950's and 1960's), commissioned artistic propaganda similar to the U.S.'s Rosie the Riveter era (1940's):

You knew you were going to see some sort of feminist propaganda eventually--She looks like she's flipping us off!

6)Costa Rica is an Audubon Society playground with an abundance of natural diversity and recreation opportunities! An excellent recreational travel company is "Backroads". Check out http://www.backroads.com/

7)Fun gi's are hard to find--no really--shiitake takes careful cultivation.

Michael Vick is a Dick!

Breeding and fighting pitbulls is good sport for you? You sick son o' a bitch! We have enough baby-killer pitbulls roaming neighborhoods impregnating and mauling other dogs and overflowing the pounds!

"Among the grisly findings: Losing dogs either died in the pit or were electrocuted, drowned, hanged or shot. The indictment said purses climbed as high as $20,000 for fights http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,290061,00.html."

I'm not a pitbull fan, but who can enjoy watching an animal drown,hang or go through any other torture? That is serial killer shit right there!

SAVE A PITBULL, NEUTER MICHAEL VICK: http://www.zazzle.com/pd/find/cg-103607418219351135/pt-235

Pamploma Cow Runs?

No, it isn't some new bovine disease that causes diarrhea! Get your mind out of the gutter! This is an attempt by Spanish feminists (who knew?) to gender equalize the great bull runs of Spain. However, don't these women understand what happens to the beasts at the end of the run? They get slaughtered for dinner! So, it isn't enough that a bunch of macho men get munched during the event and the bulls die a valiant death? These women want to kill a bunch of heifers (I'm referring to the cows) too? Although the image of a bunch of hefty women trying to scramble out of the way of impending hooves is amusing! I don't habla Espanol that well after 4 years of high school Spanish, but maybe you can decipher: http://www.estudiln.net/.

I think they should have a grate (pun intended) dairy product competition and see who can churn the most butter! Or have the biggest/wettest teats contest! Come and get 'em boys! Our milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!

Scrotum Illustrated

That is what SI.com stands for! I was just perusing their picture list of "best athletes by number" and I stopped looking for female representation at about number 48. I guess if you don't have a sac, you aren't an athlete. That is fabulous that SI thinks that a horse named Secretariat beats out women like Mia Hamm (Scrotum Illustrated selected baseball's Ted William's #9 over Mia Hamm's honorable mention). Or that race car drivers are more athletic than women! Race car drivers! They push the gas pedal and steer the wheel. Wow! Super athletic prowess right there boy! I bet those guys have to bench press mad weight to get up to that condition!

The women's U.S. soccer team won not one, but two gold Olympic medals in 1996 and 2004 http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A36021-2004Aug26.html! But they can't get a professional league to flourish or better than "runner up" in SI's photo list of best athletes. The men have never won an olympic trial and probably never will, but fat cats will throw money at the men's professional soccer league like a 250 lb. letch throws money at a stripper! It is a trickle down effect too---professional organizations don't respect women,neither do college level athletics or high school. Throw us a frickin' bone here!