TGIF

Occupations that may involve soiled clothing and appendages

I am pondering calling Mike Rowe for an idea about a dirty job.......

Cuz they are going to have to remove the stuff I wrote about Mike from the wall (ASAP)--it may have involved illustrations and profanity!

Evasive Traffic Patterns

Or not so evasive?

Listen, if I take a break from blasting "Nine Inch Nails" on the radio and exceeding the speed limit to create a gap in traffic the size of Texas for you---Man up and find the hole!! If a car is an extension of your manhood, then don't make me pissed off or sorry for you by driving through life politely waiting for a sign from the almighty, inquiring for grey poupon mustard, and adjusting your stuffed animals (this really happened today--no lie. I just like to share. I have the heart the SIZE of Texas)!

Savvy Business

Have you ever left an "In n Out Burger" in a bad mood? It is impossible. When you pull up to the drive through it is like you have been transported back in time to the hey day of the '50's and you expect to see June Cleaver pouring lemonade! I have been in the foulest of moods (I know it is hard to imagine) before visiting the In N Out and I immediately turn my frown upside down when the chipper boy (probably named "Chip") inquires in an intelligible manner if I would like the protein style (burger,people,burger!). The CEO of this franchise must be almost as genius as the gene testing gurus for essentially ripping off Disney's masterpiece of a business model. Here is an amazing concept: Hire fresh faced kids that speak English fluently,put them in the smart,starched collars,comb their hair,slap a cute cap on their head,and a smile on their face! Of course politeness always sends you into a blissful reverie of years gone by: "Please pull forward, How are you?,Thank you,have a nice day" (the whole "mam" part I do without, but other than that, politeness will get you far)! We could all use a little inspiration from the self-perpetuating genius that is Disney:

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” - Walt Disney

Nocturnal Amphibious Mission

Would you look at that beauty?

I almost squished her with my car a few weeks ago when I found her in my driveway. I say "her" because she was huge (about 5-6 inches long and 3-4 inches wide) and the sexual dimorphism in most amphibians and reptiles is size. She tried to scamper away, but I immediately scooped her up! She bloated and pissed all over me not unlike the way Rosie O'Donnell must respond to Trump! Being the treehugger that I am, it was my mission to calmly defy her protest and take her out to the "wild" subdivision culvert (cue "Born Free" soundtrack).

Then.....

This weekend I found my dogs, Earl Grey and Muffin Top "playing" with something in the backyard! It was a smaller version of the whopper I had found previously, so I can assume that it was a charming little male out to get his "shorty". He was thinking to Muffin Top---"Shorty what's your sign?" But she, being the bitch that she is, just kept yapping and attempting to puncture him with her canines! I separated the two just in time. I knew the perfect girl for him! I gave him to my daughter to release in the same culvert because she has to learn to handle a few toads before she can find her prince.

Bug A Boo

Posers be buggin me!

Avian Deceit!

Why does size matter?

"The Cardinals cut veteran center Nick Leckey (60) on Tuesday.
In a move not unexpected, the Cardinals released center Nick Leckey Tuesday.
The team filled the roster spot by re-signing linebacker Brandon Johnson, who had been cut when the Cards signed new center Chukky Okobi last week.
Leckey’s roster spot had grown tenuous as undrafted rookie Lyle Sendlein ascended the depth chart to back up starter Al Johnson.
Al Johnson sprained a knee in the season opener and the Cards decided to sign Okobi, a free agent who had played for offensive line coach Russ Grimm and coach Ken Whisenhunt in Pittsburgh.
Okobi’s arrival made for four centers on the roster, too large a number for the long-term.
Leckey had been battling a knee sprain suffered in the preseason, but he was healthy Sunday against Seattle and was still declared inactive. Okobi, who was dressed but did not play against Seattle, was Sendlein’s backup in the game.
Leckey started 11 games in 2006 and nine in 2005 after being drafted in the sixth round out of Kansas State in 2004. He outplayed the fourth-round selection that season, one-time starter Alex Stepanovich.
But the Cardinals, seeking someone with more size than the 6-foot-3, 290-pound Leckey, picked up Al Johnson as a free agent with a four-year, $17.5 million contract. Then Sendlein impressed the coaches throughout the offseason and training camp.
Leckey’s salary was also $1.3 million, a hefty amount for a reserve who was going to be a long shot to be active on Sundays.
Al Johnson is expected to miss at least one more game (http://www.azcardinals.com/news/detail.php?PRKey=1922)."

Remember when sports used to be based on athletic prowess and skill? Now you have to be a fucking sumo wrestler/steam roller to play "football". Does anyone wonder why these super-sized athletes keep injuring themselves and pulling their muscles? Maybe we need to get back to basics and focus on increasing the maneuverability,safety,and SPORT of football instead of watching a bunch of way-too-tight ends bouncing off each other like Godzillas in a pinball machine! We will miss you cutie Nicky!

Shake a tail feather kids!

I was watching an MTV video, which oft' happens when teenagers inhabit your abode (actually it was my idea). We came across this video called "Misery Business" by Paramore. My daughter looked at me and said she looks like you mom with the long curly hair and attitude--were you like that in high school?! After LMFAO, I assured her that while I had a spell of being a "bully" in 6th grade and I did lavish on the makeup in the past (eye liner fills in too many creases after age 30!) I was actually not part of the popular/whorie (its a word right?) crowd! I do like the title of the song though--business can be some fierce misery!



I was more like the culmination of all the characters in the Breakfast Club:

Virginal with big hair like "Clare" (my hair AND eyeliner looked exactly like that my freshman year!). Irrelevant fact: she posed nude: http://www.thephatphree.com/_photos/napalm101/30Malicious.jpg





Good grades like "Brian"--Honors classes,Academic olympics (I even had a letter on my jacket for academics) Honors Society,Honors orchestra,honors etc.etc.!TOTAL NERD! No wonder I never got any action (well actually it may not have been so much the nerd thing as the whole related to a cop with a gun cabinet at the front door thing)!

Introverted artistic girl? That's me (seriously--I'm really artistic)!

I fancied myself a jock. I played some mean tennis and even beat some of the uppity private school beotches!, but I mostly just kept the bench warm and kept track of stats for the softball team (I still lettered in Varsity softball though-I think they felt sorry for a senior bench warmer)!

Who didn't have verbally abusive parents?

Rough n' ready!

SEX With a Cowboy


Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goalsfor her trip to the Lone Star State ;1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que. 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!""And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes... those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"


They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

Political 2 cents

Mitt Romney recently boasted that his first lady is more attractive than Bill Clinton. That may be, but Bill is better in bed and has more experience. I always vote for the first lady with the most to offer her country!And what is up with that stereotypical coining of the president's spouse as the "first lady"? The feminazi in me (not really--I'm not a lesbo) wants something more pc like the President's spousal figure head or the President's Pardner (hehe)!

I wonder if Hilary will soar in popularity if she engages in a little coitus in the oval office. Do you think that if she started wearing plunging necklines and bopping young interns she would become a red-blooded hero? Something tells me she would be run out of town on the first trollop trolley! Oh, well---it would be worth it and she would definitely be remembered for being the 1st 1st Lady to become president and act like one!

Seriously, I think about pulling the bitch card and voting for Hilary just because she is a chick and I like the ring of "Lady President". However, the knee-deep into business part of me doesn't want my pants taxed off (pulled off hastily in a moment of passion--maybe, but taxed off--never)! Something tells me that if she gets elected we will all become part of the village that raises Madonna's child (popstar--not the religious icon)!

Kamishibai

A long time ago, society and parents guided their children with rules and consequences. Their hope was that even though they may not be the most popular parents in the world, maybe their offspring would still be productive members of society. Parents would admonish their young apprentices when errors in judgement were made and even people in public wouldn't hesitate to stop inappropriate behavior of adolescents. Society as a whole did not want anarchy and lawlessness dominating life and preventing communities from functioning safely and productively!

But, let us examine society in the year 2007 and a middle class family with a pre-pubescent boy. The boy, like most young people, felt the need to challenge society and boundaries on occasion. He would do things like draw pornography on school work and turn it in to the teacher or pilfer the occasional candy bar. Once he had been caught spray painting nonsense on the local sidewalk. The mother and father felt that treating this child as an adult was the best policy for discipline and they discussed his errors in judgement at length. They wanted to empathize with him and be his best friends and confidants. Why use discipline when he obviously is acquiring the body of a young man, he must have an adult mind already that can be reasoned with?? Drugs like Ritalin will help his behavior and jumpstart his drug habit right?"We are your peers young man" they would consistently demonstrate to him. "We can't control what you do and chose not to participate in guiding you down the right path of behavior. "We will give you free reign to roam the streets and learn about what life has to offer through your own means"!

"Good luck son"

One night, the parents went out on the town. They had very important business to attend to and did not feel the need to make sure that their headstrong son was involved in some community hobbies like sports,school work,religion,pets (have you noticed that kids prefer cold electronic comfort to the friendly furry type?),reading,mentoring etc...... Well, the young man was so grateful for this lapse in judgement that he gathered a bunch of his friends together with air guns and promptly, yet stealthily went on a rampage throughout the local community. They gleefully blew out the windows of several businesses and were even generous enough to pick some panes larger than others. In one night, they cost local business owners $1000's of dollars,copious amounts of valuable time, and grief (that the businesses probably would have preferred to spend on their own adolescent children)! A misguided young man is loose on the streets and the community is SHATTERED!!

Many wearing rapiers are afraid of Goosequills

....Said Rosencrantz in Hamlet.

The Greek Euripides had another, racier version: " The tongue is mightier than the blade"--Ahh yes.

Is there a modern counterpart? The keyboard punches harder than Muhamad Ali?

I have unwittingly stumbled across a marvelous social experiment that began with a vengeful birthday present to myself and has culminated in a healthy respect for the written word. With the tap of a finger, strange and hurtful things can emanate like "blog fucking" and sex with strangers. Terms of endearment that used to be the sole property of cherished ones become Internet folly and people's innermost thoughts are flaunted for all to see! Men hide behind women's aliases and vise verse. The most subdued house mouse becomes a raging predatory tiger. Where is the truth and how can a fantasy world hurt almost as much as reality?

I have to admit I have grown attached to my evolved persona and will own it forever, but I will temper it with my true self and I will never forget how or why it came into being!

Pensive and Poignant

Tell me something........

Big Sky Country

I was perusing images for ideas for a tramp stamp/cum catcher tattoo, and I came across a great website http://www.igallopon.com/ that reminded me of how much I love living in wide open spaces and how much I miss having a horse. I also found a great image for a tattoo on the small o' the back--a combo of celtic and cowgirl (can you imagine how much this design would cost and how long it would take?):

I had a little quarter horse growing up. He was a sorrel with a half moon crescent on his forehead and enough attitude and spunk to keep you guessing! I would almost always ride bareback with my hair loose and crazy (See my post "July 31st")! Western saddles are heavy and cumbersome when you just want to go! Who wants to put on the formal boots and a hat when you can just hop on with barefeet and a pair of shorts?We had many adventures together including long cattle drives (LONG cattle drives up to 10 hours in a day--see post July 12th) and trying out for the rodeo flag girl team (chickened out of the rodeo when my horse's skittishness threatened to put us both in the railing)!

I miss my AQHA *sigh*

RU trying to get into MY genes?

Aside--I can never have a personalized licensed plate because I'm too wordy and not pretentious enough.

While I was flitting around in my "Errand Girl" costume (that's right I chose to reveal my secret identity to you---shhhh), I landed on a little mag called "Business 2.0" and my attention was drawn to a new breakthrough in biotechnology--the nanosphere (no not your boyfriend's penis) http://money.cnn.com/magazines/business2/business2_archive/2007/06/01/100050970/index.htm

Now, I would still prefer a gold band ring as a gift (white gold is all the rage currently I guess) with little celtic designs and a penchant for enchantment. But, I have to admit that it is very impressive that they are now using small amounts of gold to diagnose disease in a fraction of the time that it used to take (less time is better for science,but not sex aye?) and at a fraction of the cost!

POLYDACTYL PUSSIES & MATADORS

While Ernest Hemingway was a permanent fixture of English/literature classes throughout my high school and college experience, I didn't really get a sense of his tragic and misogynistic persona until the movie "Love and War"(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116621/). He was a very intense man with a alot of pain and inner turmoil which made his writing real and "ernest"---get it? I made a joke there. He was fascinated by death and danger to the point that he tried his hand at bullfighting and even wrote a nonfiction piece about it called "Death in the Afternoon" (okay--while I knew of his references to bullfighting, I had to look the title up on the immediate gratification source I like to call the "world wide web"). His soul speaks to most men on various levels:

“It must be hard to be a man,” she says.
“Yes,” replies Hemingway; “very few survive it. ”

His short stories about matadors and romantic European interludes are insightful and adventurous, but his name has more pronounced meaning for me because of the biological connection of his furry friends. The descendants of his first 6 toed cat have been passing on the recessive polydactyl trait for years and biologists have been interested in studying the gene. Some scientists have discovered that there are two specific genes that interact to form the extra digits. Sonic hedgehog isn't just a video game: http://www.mc.vanderbilt.edu/reporter/index.html?ID=2227

Nature will find a way, I always say (or rip off from a Michael Creighton movie)!

Nancy Drew

Nancy Drew is a character that I can get into!

If Earl Grey had The Bloodhound's larger than normal nasal chambers[Wikepedia] and the large and long pendent ears to serve to prevent wind from scattering nearby skin cells while the dog's nose is on the ground[Wikepedia], he could be my brave partner in solving crime (maybe I'll type "Larger" one more time!)!

Earl Grey's generic dog jowels can't compare to the folds of wrinkled flesh (not that "wrinkled flesh"--pervs!) under the bloodhound's lips and neck, called the shawl, that serve to catch stray scent particles in the air or on a nearby branch as the bloodhound is scenting, reinforcing the scent in the dog's memory and nose.

However, Earl Grey is still a dog and dogs have as much as 40, 000,000 olfactory chemoreceptors per square centimeter compared to our puny human amount of 10,000 (http://www.ndri.com/).

He could hunt those bitches down! WOOF (http://youtube.com/watch?v=He82NBjJqf8&mode=related&search=)!

The above picture shows a "mick" playing for the wrong side during WWI, but it shows that ol' Irish Wolfhounds can be of tremendous service to any country/person in need!

Nancy's uptight,school-girl,preppy collars are a little much and who has a name like Nancy? Anything that ends in "y" is a little too fem/sissy for me! I would prefer a look and name that connote hot (though not as dated) like:

Animation Masterpiece!

While one of the main characters, Z...zzzzzzzz, was a bit of a snooze in "Surf's Up", the animation and cinematography were very sophisticated! When you find yourself starting to focus on little details like how realistic the beach sand looks, you know the movie is a blockbuster hit!The feathers on the penguin characters were very life-like the way they shimmered in the "light" and waved in the breeze. The ocean waves made you feel like you were there! The camera angles and documentaryesque feel were very refreshing and new for an animation.

While I marveled at how far we have come since the "claymation" days, the only emotions the movie left me with were a yearning for a beach vacation and a desire to at least learn how to skateboard!

Technical sophistication: 5 stars

Entertainment value of script,acting,character development: Was there a script (did Beyonce's choreographer write this one?)?

If you want the real low-down on the genesis of skateboarding,I recommend viewing the real "Z-boys" of Dogtown instead: http://imdb.com/title/tt0355702/.

Jack and the Beanstalk

Do you ever feel like you're a tiny, little entity trying to clamour up a huge beanstalk (I have penis envy)? I feel like I've been climbing so long and too far while debris cascades past my desperate eyes and the jolly giants just laugh merrily at my plight. I'm not necessarily striving to surpass the "glass ceiling", but more the bizarre American caste system of inherited wealth,social networking, and fuck buddies.

Do you want to see something REALLY HILARIOUS? Really fucking funny shit (I guess if they would've put a hot chick in a dress suit as the "businessman" the viewer would think she was the admin assistant?):

http://youtube.com/watch?v=X1c0tx_mvOo&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VUhHl2TG4vs&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4lqfnd4AM4s&mode=related&search=

I need some serious distraction before I start listening to Avril Laveen (I AM the motherfucking princess http://youtube.com/watch?v=MV4w4hudgio!) and hit the tattoo parlor for that fetching "cum catcher" I've always wanted or grab a giant bucket o' popcorn and a Big Gulp and make myself comfortable!

Big girls don't cry eh Fergie?

Kyphotic Dowager

That's right---Give me some espresso and I'm unstoppable with the posts! On my lunch break I made some interesting observations and I came to a conclusion about a lot of office-worker types. Kyphotic Dowager is not the new character in a Quinten Tarantino movie, but what happens to people who don't exercise (an abnormally increased convexity in the curvature of the thoracic spine as viewed from the side, such thoracic kyphosis is due to vertebral collapse frequently seen in the elderly women. This occurs due to collapse/compression of several bones in the spine as a result of osteoporosis. There is a simultaneous loss of height and back pain)!

Hit the gym people!

Activia Sample

Did you know that specialists at Dannon® selected Bifidus Regularis™ for Activia® because it survives passage through the digestive tract, arriving in the colon as a living culture. Once there, it plays a beneficial role in your intestinal ecosystem? I learned that recently when I shopped and sampled at the local Sam's club.
I also experienced an intense ogling by a young, pup of a Mexican guy (not more than 25-years-old). My shorts must've been extra tight and my hair extra big today or I had a sign that said "kick me" on my back or toilet paper stuck to my shoe (I'm not sure which)! He didn't stop staring until I was clearly out o' range which is somewhat flattering and yet creepy considering I'm positive that I'm at least 10 years his senior. The standard white guy's strategy for sneaking a "peek" in public is much more subtle. They surreptitiously give a covert glance in your direction and then pretend to adjust their glasses,book,wallet,random merchandise,fill-in-the-blank object. The black guys are the most overt of all, they look right at the hot spot first, then travel down or up from there and you're pretty sure they have violated you in at least a hundred different ways in the time span it takes you to walk across the room.
I must look like a pretty non-threatening,safe suburb rat because all the old folks approach me for advice/directions. I had a sweet old lady inquire as to whether I lived "around here" and then asked for directions to Office Max. Maybe she thought that I was a powerful business mogul who would know where important printing/copying can be done, and well, she would be correct! I hope I wowed her with my extensive knowledge of local business and directions. I threw in a couple "Wests" and "Norths" here and there to make myself seem even more esteemed. I noticed the old lady's "old man" a few seconds into the conversation and figured they sent the wife in for directions for fear he might seem too geezerly (if it wasn't a word, it is now--you'll use it tomorrow, you'll see). I think I glimpsed the manager of the Sam's club running towards me with a job application for store greeter and all-around-safe-white-girl job, but alas I must have just slipped out of her very short-haired and manly attired grasp!

Quirky Pics

August Hotties