Thursday, July 12, 2007

Park Ecosystem

As I tried to walk off my Einstein challah roll with cream cheese at the local park (that's right I'm a pseudo Jew), I noticed the interesting organisms and how they interacted with each other and the environment.

The first character that I encountered was a crested duck that looked just like Al Sharpton. He was quacking something about his herum of female ducks not resembling "Nappy Headed Hoes"!
I then encountered a local park visitor that I will call "BMX Bumb". He rides his bike bravely up and down the sloping park hills. Muttering various things to himself and others--no doubt accepting the adulation of thousands of imaginary fans. He would pause at the top of each hill as if to proclaim his prowess to the world: "I am bike man of the park!" I have to give him props though, I would admire his obviously ripped physique if he wasn't over 60 and psychotic!

"Hey Boo Boo"

Now for the next mental image. Close your eyes and see if you can picture the ideal park ranger (I know its me). Seriously, I encountered an obese park ranger riding on his quad throughout the park!

Now, I got into the ranger business because of my earnest granola-eating, tree-hugging tendencies. The granola-eating part isn't really true--I like my cheeseburgers (refer to the restaurant post). I do, however, pride myself on walking at least 1 mile if not 5 or 6 a day.

Who is this guy who has switched roles with Yogi the bear like some Twilight Zone episode? What next? Is he going to plug in his playstation at the restroom power outlet or "hangout" at the snack bar and ask for potato chip donations? I can see him chasing down a looting bear to get the good food back for himself. Or, maybe he likes breaking into a tourist's car for the marshmallows on the front seat! All the little visitor kids exclaim that they get their picture taken with Yogi the ranger by the trash!

I almost didn't see a guy walking around in his camo pants. It is necessary to be camouflaged when taking a morning stroll in the park. You never know if you will have to hide from "Al" the duck,crazy BMX Bumb, or "Yogi" the ranger!

Finally, the last but not least character: Sissy English Girl!

I spotted a girl riding English-style in a park in Montana! Something tells me that she hasn't ridden a horse named "Shithead" for 10+ hours in the heat and dust of a cattle drive. Or endured the freezing cold winter round-ups during which you drink copious amounts of Brandy to "warm" your innards and hold your hands deep in your muff (not because you enjoy pleasuring yourself, but because you are freezing your ass off). I doubt she has inhaled the acrid stench of burning cow flesh or had her chaps spattered with testicle blood! How about burning your face in the sun so much that it peels for a week or feeling the sweat trickle down from your cowboy hat into your eyes? No, pretty blond locks probably has never seen a cow in real life--let alone had one startle her horse so much that it spooked dashing her to the ground and knocking her wind out! Okay, you got me, I guess I'm just jealous. I always wanted to wear those tight riding britches and snug English boots. Oh--and the crop. We can't forget that dominatrix crop and the leather! Maybe I'll try that outfit on tonight...........

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