Barking up the Wrong Tree

Apparently, my dogs, Earl Grey and Muffin Top, run off a bit at the mouth (not unlike their owner)! Our neighbors recently lowered food and water into our yard in attempt to satiate their giant maws! You can imagine my concern about this fact when people will think nothing of poisoning a family pet nowadays! The neighbors decreed "your dogs barked from 6am until 9pm yesterday"! Really? We were home in the afternoon, so we know they were accounted for from 3pm until approximately 6pm. These are the same people that keep their huge golden retriever locked up inside their house 24/7. They keep a large breed dog in hiding like some skeleton in the closet and I'm a villian for owning vocal hounds?! I want to take a moment to inform society about the main reasons for owning the loyal canine: to protect livestock and guard homes. While the only livestock we own are the occasional grasshopper or ant/aphid colony, we do own a home that needs guarded against the occasional threats of airplane,bird,blimp, but more importantly the occasional intruder.

When the beloved Lassy wanted others to follow her to an emergency, did she take a moment to sit and ponder a quiet, gentle written request? With wet ink and a shaky paw:

"Dear Joe and fellow townsman,

It has come to my attention that a poor civilian is in need of immediate rescue. The young boy has happened upon a deep mine shaft and is losing oxygen quickly. I discussed at length, the options for retrieval and he is in concurrance with maybe providing a rope and some sort of force from a pulley system. I have travelled approximately 4.5 miles in pouring rain to write this polite request for assistance. We must move hastily, as sunset will occur in about 2 hours and the storm is increasing our urgency. Please consider my entreaty and follow me to aide the young boy.

Sincerely,

Lassie"

It is highly unlikely that Lassy could write, let alone that "she" would take the time to sit and compose a letter of alarm. It much more probable that she barked her head off and ran around in frantic circles!

What about our friend "Rin Tin Tin"? Did he use creative methods to get assistance? Possibly he peed the letters S.O.S. in a clearly visible golden trail?

I prefer the loud announcement of danger from the proud vocal chords of my dear companions! I only hope that my trusty pooches will save the possessions or maybe even the lives of our neighbors someday! In the meantime, exercise,discipline, and affection as my friend Cesar Milan says!

Costume Party!

Comparitive Natural Disaster Strategies

So. Cal vs New Orleans

New Orleans: Animals were not rescued; the streets were full of non-neutered pit bulls itching for a fight and/or food. To this day, there are missing animals.

So. Cal: Animals were not always rescued; the well-manicured slopes were full of exotic llamas, alpacas, pregnant goats, and the occasional purebred steed by the name of Sonoma Saphire or (ironically) Angel on Fire? Would they survive without their carefully weighed out, pedigreed feed and daily grooming?Luckily, most livestock were whisked away to the Del Mar track.

New Orleans: Looting and mayhem ruled the emergency efforts. People were ransacking the local stores for more than staples.


So. Cal: Looting and mayhem ruled. For instance, one woman was spotted leaving a Saks with her toy dog and thousands of dollars worth of brand name merchandise. Another woman chipped her nail when trying to grab her Tuscany inspired flatware before the flames consumed her custom kitchen.


New Orleans: People made a run on the local stores for necessities like canned food,toilet paper, and diapers.

So. Cal: People made a run for necessities like vintage antiques,wines,and pet treats.
New Orleans: People couldn't flee the city because of lack of transportation and money.

So. Cal: People couldn't flee the country-side because the pilots of their private planes were otherwise occupied and they couldn't transfer funds from one account to the another fast enough!

New Orleans: Thousands of evacuees huddled in the Superdome without food or water.

So. Cal: Qualcomm Stadium had cots and tents, plenty of water and a variety of foods, arts and crafts for children, crisis counseling, meditation, yoga, acupuncture, and AA meetings for adults. That's right--YOGA!?

Trick or Treat?

Microsoft Entertainment Desktop 8000 Keyboard

A Wealthy Man

Heidi Klum really likes men in bike shorts too! According to her side of their romantic story, she was attracted to him because of the size of his.....um... pocket book,personality or.....?

From the Oprah show: "Heidi says she fell for Seal the moment they met…and it didn't hurt that he was wearing form-fitting bicycle shorts at the time. "I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City, and he came in just from the gym. I was sitting there and I was like, 'Wow, he's a very handsome man,'" she says. "I was physically, straightaway attracted to him, and then we got talking, and I was like, 'Wow, he's such a warm and charming man.'"

Right! Charming! I really like charming guys too! Does he go, aye? Does he?

Primate Pontification

My face was flushed and breathing rapid. Sweat trickled down my face and the saltiness stung my tongue. My heart raced as I excitedly reached the climax....of the hill--silly, I was hiking! It was a wonderful day for a ladies day out in the sun and wind. We embarked on a leisurely 1-2 mile hike and were in awe of the breathtaking sights such as bare-chested men running up or down the trail!

My hiking companion and I covered almost all the topics in the universe from the problems of obesity and dieting to literally the universe itself. There is something about fresh air, nature, and physical activity to bring out the philosophical side in us. I shared my recently discovered knowledge about Sumu wrestlers (that's right I watch way too much National Geographic/Discovery channel): did you know that their fat is almost all subcutaneous (under the skin) as opposed to the American visceral fat (around the organs)? She enlightened me on the powers of spicy food---cayan can be used to increase metabolism.

Inevitably, we winded our way down the path to science and religion. She had dated an anthropologist who was a devout atheist. This begged the question---Could evolution and human culture exist in conjunction with Christianity and religion or are they destined to be to separate pursuits/beliefs? She talked about the "Lucy" skull and declared that the man who found it was on staff at ASU? I was somewhat incredulous because I thought that Louis Leakey was dead and if he were alive, I didn't know that he would be on faculty staff at a university. My hopes and curiosity were piqued though. I raced home to my internet to see if he was, in fact, on staff at ASU! I was not surprised to not find him listed and then upon further research to find he was in fact deceased. I did find that he started out a christian missionary before getting distracted by a rugby concussion and evolutionary thought. He appeared to blend both theology and anthropology:

"Nothing I've ever found has contradicted the Bible. It's people with their finite minds who misread the Bible."(Wikipedia)

A man that opposed African female circumcision and apartheid, and discovered the great Jane Goodall, is alright in my book!

Witchy Woman!

"Woo hoo witchy woman see how high she flies

Woo hoo witchy woman she got the moon in her eye"

October is the bewitching month it seems! For a gender that has to squat to pee, women really know how to engage in pissing contests! The way some women mark their territory and everything around them, you would think they wielded the angry penis of Thor! We had the unpleasant task of dealing with a wicked witch of epic proportions at a soccer game this weekend. We had just settled down for a pleasant afternoon at the "game" when SHE descended upon us like so many demons on a mission. She appointed herself coach and soccer official (in reality she was neither--just a parent from our OWN team) and swiftly declared that we re-locate our lawn chairs to the other side of the field. Keep in mind that this was the 4th or 5th game of the season,we had barely even met this woman before, and our coach was merrily instructing kids. You can imagine our bewilderment and predicament.

We asked the coach---"Coach, do you want us to move?". Coach replied "No, you're fine. We should wait and see if the ref has anything to say."

She noticed that our position was unwavering and a stinty gleam appeared in her eye as if to say "Are you challenging me? I AM the coach/soccer official of the universe and all I survey (I think I'm more than a parent)!" She stormed over with indignance distorting her countenance and demanded that we move. I calmly replied that Coach had indicated that we should wait and promptly began to ignore the pestering insect. She backed down momentarily to gather her strategy and cohorts.

We noticed a real soccer official walking alongside the field. She also noticed the official and immediately raced over to him in a flurry of self-righteous rage (cue Wizard of Oz witch sound track). She began to throw her minuscule tits around like they were the balls of an angry bull elephant and appeared to be pointing at us muttering something like "I'll get you my pet and your little dog, too!" We were dumbfounded and watched-- jaws agape. We couldn't believe that in the span of less than 10 or 15 minutes, adults had been reduced to kindergartners!?

Well, the official came over with a stern step and inquired if our coach had asked us to move? "No," I flatly replied. He then retorted--"Well, according to the rules........(I zoned out here) "all parents must sit on the same side--please move"!

I could smell the unpleasant musk of a smug elephant as we walked across the field. After, we were in our new subordinate position, the she-devil pranced over and informed us that she just wanted to make sure we understood the soccer rules and she didn't want "her parents" upset at her! her parents? I laughed at her and thought to myself---So, not only had we been reduced to children, we were her children now? I've met women who thrive on pissing contests and control before, but I've never been reduced to a possession? I think I may have goaded her with my indifference and smile. Those-who-would-rule hate it when you calmly smile and laugh rather than go to blows don't they?

In hindsight, I can't decide which type of woman I would rather deal with--the bull elephant who trumpets and crashes through the underbrush with force or the sneaky serpent always sublimy plotting her dominance? Since there are less of the former and she is always announcing her position, I suppose I actually prefer her outwardly/brutally honest approach.

FYI--Why me? I seem to be a target for wanna be alpha bitches (no one else--and there were plenty of parents sitting with us--was targeted by her showy assertions)!? Maybe I exude some sort of pretense of control unconsciously? I have a tendency to put my hands on my hips on occasion I suppose.....

Bondurant is not for Pussies!

I'm as car illiterate as I am technology inept, but there is something about this 32-valved V8 engine that I want to know more about!

If you haven't noticed, I have a driving need for speed and the vehicles that will enable me to accomplish it! The allure of the Bondurant course is calling. I just need a few thousand spare change and some moxy and I'm in Phoenix TODAY!

Would you take a look at that beauty? Nostrils steaming like a mad dragon or magnificant Shelby Stallion! Oh, how I would ride that and pray to not get bucked off!? I bet you get to wear racing gloves and a helmet on the course and maybe even keep them for $1000 souvignors?

Filthy Poetry Review Hour

Venus and Adonis by Shakespeare

Venus has captured Adonis---"Fondling, she saith, 'since I have hemmed thee here

Within the circuit of this ivory pale (her arms),

I'll be a park, and thou shalt be my deer.

Feed where thou wilt,on mountain or in dale;

Graze on my lips, and if those hills be dry,

Stray lower,where the pleasant fountains lie."

Pleasant fountains, indeed, Willy, pleasant fountains indeed!

I can even get into trouble at the seemingly innocuous center of high education and enlightenment of the Barnes and Noble bookstore! I stumbled across this naughtily hilarious book called Filthy Shakespeare while pretending to peruse the latest releases. I must have made an odd sight laughing at the raunchy poetic interpretations, but it is not entirely taboo if it is a literary great like ol' Will right? I proudly brought my find to the innocent little blonde girl at the counter and slapped down a cool $20 for some dirty literature (bummer--no pictures though)!:-)

Eunuchly Chinese

Or uniquely Chinese? I thought female castration in Africa was atrocious--I can't imagine having a penis cut off (insert Bobbit joke here)! OUCH! I have more conversations about politics,religion, and the world before 6am than a lot of people (*coughs* Lindsay Lohan) have in an entire day or lifetime! I was chatting with my Ph.D. in psychology friend, Wanda, (that's right, I'm a little pretentious---I even introduce her that way--"My Ph.D. in psychology friend Wanda not to be confused with the Fish of the same name") when the topic of ancient China popped up (OK--I purposely introduced it). She recently returned from a jaunt to China and I wanted her to regale me with tales. Regale she did! She explained that the toilets in China are for squatting---not many urinals there. Why? Because the Emperial Chinese kept castrated men in their palaces to guard the concubines and NOT procreate with them. The removal of the genitals is a sure-fire way to eliminate the competition from testosterone laden lads!

I "borrowed" the above picture from a website reference about an Englishman named George Stent (during the 1880's) http://takaoclub.com/personalities/Stent/index.htm:

"In Stent's time there were around 2,000 eunuchs in the Forbidden Palace at Beijing. This number was far fewer than in earlier Ming times, as the Manchu rulers were anyway wary of the eunuchs' power but also since China had been ruled by the Empress Dowager Tzu-hsi [慈禧] on behalf of boy emperors who had little need of concubines."

The last Chinese eunuch died in 1996 at the age of 94. The following quote is from a New York times article: "In one corner of the outer square of the palace, a granite block still,, marks the spot where some of Mr. Sun's fellow eunuchs were said to have lost their "three precious," as the organs were called in court parlance of the day. Traditionally, a eunuch preserved his genitals In a jar to Insure that they would eventually be buried with him, in the belief that this would guarantee his reincarnation as a "full" man."http://acc6.its.brooklyn.cuny.edu/~phalsall/texts/eunuchs2.html. If it wasn't so sad, I could think of a bunch of one-liners about this condition:

Gollum Eunuch: We wants it, we needs it. Must have the three precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Chineses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

Perverted eunuch flashes genitals by lifting jar instead of jacket!?

Pickled penis anyone?

Frustrated eunuch can't get off---the lid that is--can't "get off" the lid.

Perverted eunuch---"Touch my penis,I mean jar, it is hard like glass not diamond"

I got nothin'

Burn Less Gas and More Calories

Or emit sweat and not Carbon monoxide. I could probably come up with a lot more environmentally "catchy" phrases that promote foot or pedal power over the gas engine, but alas I will not tire you (is that "tire" pun intended?Dunno). I just stumbled across the fact that it is "Blog Action Day" where everyone is supposed to contribute posts about environmental awareness (if they are tree huggers or Al Gore fans and since I'm the former, I had to contribute)! I unwittingly helped the cause for less pollution by walking about 4 miles round trip to the park and back for a lunch/exercise/relaxation break. My daughter has the week off for fall break and we decided to venture out on a gorgeous fall day. As we mozied along our way, we talked to the animals including horses and a wonderfully playful family of yellow labs (6-7 dogs). At the park, we were disappointed to learn that the carnival was only open on weekends--no reward of deep-fried corn dogs or cotton candy for us! We did get to see a dead catfish and several little fry and lots of pollution. I suppose if we were really environmentally earnest, we would have picked up some of the bread wrappers etc. We saw the old nappy-headed, Al Sharpton duck from my earlier post and some beautiful herons like the green-backed heron pictured above.

On our return trip, we mocked the rat raced and rat faced people hurriedly scurrying along in their automobiles. We could take the time to run through the sprinklers and pick dandelions (seriously---we picked flowers--though not indigenous so it doesn't count as an environmental infraction). After getting quite tan and sweaty, we ventured back, but not without a stop at the local Chevron for some snow cones and ICEE's! To think that we helped contribute to less pollution AND were able to commune with nature AND burn calories/build muscle!

Pheromones are Different than Whore-moans

"Think about strong perfume and a threesome, and what do you get?
No, try again.
The correct answer is — reproduction by an ancient type of plants called cycads." (discovery.com)

The male cycad plant secretes a sweet scent to allure little insects called thripes to its cones. The thripes happily crawl around and cover themselves in the cycad's male "essence" of pollen. Then, the temperature really heats up and the cycad produces a foul odor to drive the little guys out and towards the female plants!

This is millions of years of evolving "how to pick up female plants" or at least "sow your wild oats" at its best! Can you imagine if we were able to "bottle" this idea? Paris could sell twice her brand and make more millions if she also produced a "turn off" scent! How convenient would that be? A potent mixture of mink B.O. and dead fish oil would surely be a best seller during the holidays! The malls would have old ladies spraying it on unsuspecting passers-by and they would actually smile? It would be perfect for the bar scene---you could turn on the heat with something sweet and then switch to repulse scent if someone was not welcome! You could wear the B.O. by Paris on dark nights in allies to prevent muggings. The possibilities would be endless! What is Paris's number?

Tantra

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Phantom Maneuvers in the Dark

I'm not talking about one of your high school dates, but about my recent fascination with dogfights (not the Michael Vick kind, but the areal feats of years past!) and flying in general. A friend of mine recently told me that a woman shouldn't want to know about fighting military aircraft. Should I start looking for chest hair and a voice change now?JK!

I know people who have dreamed of flying since they were little children. They would jump off the furniture in their homes using blankets for "wings". I witnessed quite a few air shows growing up and enjoyed watching the Blue Angels and Thunderbird stunt teams,I was subjected to hours of John Wayne war movies including the "Fighting Tigers", and who didn't get a thrill from "Top Gun"? I became earnestly interested in flight in college. Okay, it wasn't even so much flight that interested me during college, but you guessed it-- the feminine power mystique. I wrote a paper about the W.A.S.Ps (Women Air Force Service Pilots) of WWII and became intrigued by the pioneering spirit of female pilots (you wanna know more?-http://www.womenofcourage.com/).

Recently, I have been glued to the History Channel's dissection of famous dogfights and aces. I was amazed to learn that the Japanese built fragile, yet very maneuverable flying machines called the zero in WWII. Americans had emphasized substance,practicality, and speed in their engineering with the Warhawk. In the Vietnam dogfight series,I also learned the definitions of S.A.M. (surface to air missile) and A.A.A (anti-aircraft artillery--not alcoholic AAA). You see, I wasn't handed a glossary of aircraft and weapon definitions when the Dr. slapped me on the ass after birth. Girls miss out on "The Dangerous Book for Boys" that is handed out with blue cigars in the baby boys' rooms!

Why dogfights? There is something extremely primitive and guttural about one-on-one combat and being able to see your enemy at close range. It personalizes battle and makes you think twice before inflicting mortal wounds. Many pilots (not necessarily the Japanese) would try to just shoot the plane down instead of killing the enemy directly in most instances. It begs the question---Does advanced technology really make for a superior method of warfare? It impersonalizes the situation with distance, so the chance of mass,unfeeling carnage is much more accessible. I guess I am an idealist as far as warfare and weaponry are concerned--the more primitive the implements and the more direct the contact--the more thought and empathy are involved and the less cold/mechanized battle becomes! Both sides usually want truce much faster when you have to actually see the fear, pleading, and cold chill of death in your opponents eyes!

Some other people that embody flying and ingenuity:

Richard Branson: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Branson

Svetlana Kapanina: http://www.patricksaviation.com/videos/Ryzg/418/

Amy Johnson: http://movies.msn.com/movies/movie.aspx?m=57836

“...now and then women should do for them-
selves what men have already done... and occasionally
what men have not done...thereby establishing them-
selves as persons, and perhaps encouraging other women
toward greater independence of thought and action.”--Amelia Earhart http://www.ameliaearhart.com/about/quotes.html

Ignorance is Bliss?

McDonald's Worker Wins Strip-Search Suit (http://www.usatoday.com/news/topstories/2007-10-05-190596317_x.htm)

I don't know who is more ignorant: the plaintiff who performed sexual acts because someone told her to over the phone and then was awarded with 6.1 million dollars or her masculine-looking attorney who is very old with the name Ann Oldfather!? Ann Oldfather? Is that from a Bart Simpson phone prank? "Can I speak to an old father? Paging ann oldfather, are you an old father?" If I was that lawyer, I would change my name immediately to Sue Pantsoff! Get it? Sue Pantsoff?

Shut up and Drive!

"Goes from 0 to 60 in three point five

Baby you got the keys-Now shut up and drive(drive, drive, drive)

Shut up and drive(drive, drive, drive)"

Not too Hard on the Eyes

Me vs. Jenna Fischer

No, not in a topless mud wrestling match silly! But in the ways we are very similar!

Things we have in common

1. Same approximate age

2. Same approximate height

3. Lots of long curly locks

4. Deep set eyes

5. Demure demeanor

6. Small thinnish lips

7. "Considered becoming a veterinarian due to her love for animals;" ultimately opted for being the proud owner of 2 dogs and 2 cats

8. "Has one sibling -a younger sister"

9. "Eerily connected to "Jims" in her life" Uncle Jim and Jimbo? I don't know Jim Halpert though?

One major difference?

1. The only red carpet I've seen was when I blew red koolaid out my nose in a laughing fit when I was a kid at my aunt's house?

Nice Rack!

On a recent camping trip, Earl Grey heard the call of nature (not the Call of the Wild run with the wolves and eat raw meat kind of nature call, but the gotta pee on a tree feeling). So, at about 6am we stumbled out and into the glorious woodsy morning! We were walking along and Earl Grey was hurriedly marking every tree and shrub when I noticed some movement in the trees. I spotted 3 bucks, not the three bucks that will get you a tall latte, but 3 bucks with antlers! They were very habituated to people and let most of the campers walk up within a few feet. If I was a huntress, I would look at those antlers with a gleem in my eye, but alas I'm a tame white suburban treehugger remember? BUT if I was a huntress, my weapon of choice would be the bow and arrow from Cabela's (http://www.cabelas.com/cabelas/en/templates/home/doorway-home.jsp?vendor=door_deer091407.jsp&cm_re=home092807*body*deer_hunting&cmCat=home)---it seems a more primitive and romantic weapon than an intrusive blow your brains out bazooka or rifle with buckshot! Then being the prudent biologist wanna be that I am, I would choose the stag with the least potential as my prey! My main problem with hunting is not so much the needless slaying of nature's beasts or the nasty taste of wild venison, but that we are culling the prime specimens from the herd. When we cull the best of the best---who is left to procreate---Bambi's retarded cousin Jeffthrow that's who?!