Monday, October 22, 2007

Witchy Woman!

"Woo hoo witchy woman see how high she flies
Woo hoo witchy woman she got the moon in her eye"

October is the bewitching month it seems! For a gender that has to squat to pee, women really know how to engage in pissing contests! The way some women mark their territory and everything around them, you would think they wielded the angry penis of Thor! We had the unpleasant task of dealing with a wicked witch of epic proportions at a soccer game this weekend. We had just settled down for a pleasant afternoon at the "game" when SHE descended upon us like so many demons on a mission. She appointed herself coach and soccer official (in reality she was neither--just a parent from our OWN team) and swiftly declared that we re-locate our lawn chairs to the other side of the field. Keep in mind that this was the 4th or 5th game of the season,we had barely even met this woman before, and our coach was merrily instructing kids. You can imagine our bewilderment and predicament.

We asked the coach---"Coach, do you want us to move?". Coach replied "No, you're fine. We should wait and see if the ref has anything to say."

She noticed that our position was unwavering and a stinty gleam appeared in her eye as if to say "Are you challenging me? I AM the coach/soccer official of the universe and all I survey (I think I'm more than a parent)!" She stormed over with indignance distorting her countenance and demanded that we move. I calmly replied that Coach had indicated that we should wait and promptly began to ignore the pestering insect. She backed down momentarily to gather her strategy and cohorts.

We noticed a real soccer official walking alongside the field. She also noticed the official and immediately raced over to him in a flurry of self-righteous rage (cue Wizard of Oz witch sound track). She began to throw her minuscule tits around like they were the balls of an angry bull elephant and appeared to be pointing at us muttering something like "I'll get you my pet and your little dog, too!" We were dumbfounded and watched-- jaws agape. We couldn't believe that in the span of less than 10 or 15 minutes, adults had been reduced to kindergartners!?

Well, the official came over with a stern step and inquired if our coach had asked us to move? "No," I flatly replied. He then retorted--"Well, according to the rules........(I zoned out here) "all parents must sit on the same side--please move"!

I could smell the unpleasant musk of a smug elephant as we walked across the field. After, we were in our new subordinate position, the she-devil pranced over and informed us that she just wanted to make sure we understood the soccer rules and she didn't want "her parents" upset at her! her parents? I laughed at her and thought to myself---So, not only had we been reduced to children, we were her children now? I've met women who thrive on pissing contests and control before, but I've never been reduced to a possession? I think I may have goaded her with my indifference and smile. Those-who-would-rule hate it when you calmly smile and laugh rather than go to blows don't they?

In hindsight, I can't decide which type of woman I would rather deal with--the bull elephant who trumpets and crashes through the underbrush with force or the sneaky serpent always sublimy plotting her dominance? Since there are less of the former and she is always announcing her position, I suppose I actually prefer her outwardly/brutally honest approach.

FYI--Why me? I seem to be a target for wanna be alpha bitches (no one else--and there were plenty of parents sitting with us--was targeted by her showy assertions)!? Maybe I exude some sort of pretense of control unconsciously? I have a tendency to put my hands on my hips on occasion I suppose.....


p0nk said...

this is pretty universal in youth soccer these days. the 'rule' was created to help remind parents to be spectators. As a coach, i've had far more problems with control-freak officials than i have with parents.
Sadly, it is often the women officials that are the worst. My experience has been that the bad ones have less understanding of the game, and rather than risk embarrassment, they immediately set the tone as a tyrant to reduce the risk of losing control.

Eagle Eye said...

The weird thing is--she is just a parent on OUR team! I don't think she is affiliated with the club other than she is the parent of the keeper. Maybe if she was a little friendlier with her approach, people would have been more receptive and if the league had instituted the rule from day one--not several games into the season.
Having parents from both teams on one side can cause some mayhem as well with both sides yelling at opposing kids.

p0nk said...

i've never been fond of the rule either and i've never told parents they couldn't sit on our side - in fact, i would often use a couple of them as unofficial asst coaches.

Sounds like you met an honest-to-goodness soccer mom, no doubt living her life vicariously through her daughter. I mostly have the opposite problem, wouldn't mind seeing a few more parents around - although moms like that are a coach's nightmare.

Jimbo said...

I have had far more fun with the morons that run AYSO than parents. I think I would have just stayed on that side of the field to piss the lady off.

It seems like these organization draw out the pathetic losers in life that have no control other than in these volunteer roles and they want to make sure you know they are the boss. They love to parade around the field in their office shirt or jacket to make sure everyone knows they are official.

I was so happy when we moved over to club soccer. You still have idiots, but there are a lot fewer of them.

Let that lady "Bite Me" that always makes me feel good

Eagle Eye said...

They have a long practice tonight and I'll probably just walk the dogs around the field. I get exercise and I don't have to pretend to play nice!:-)Although, they'll probably ban pooches from the park knowing my luck!

NotANiceGirl said...

Well in the wise words of Everclear, "I really used to be a bad girl, I got gang-banged in the bathroom at my high school prom...I used to be a real wild child but now I am a Volvo driving soccer mom!" Don't let her get to you. Everyone loves you and even Jesus thinks she's a c**t!

Eagle Eye said...

Wow! Hard core Everclear lyrics. I thought I was a wild child! I will have to hear that tune when I'm not in mixed company!I guess I am a blonde soccer mom from the suburbs too, but not super Republican or c**ty like her I hope!LOL!

Jimbo said...

So you are associating this bitchy, c$*ty women with being a Republican?

Eagle Eye said...

I don't know--are Republican women allowed out of the house? I just had to go there!LOL!

Jimbo said...

I figured she was a left wing nut job!!!:) And the republican let their wives out of the house. At least they did until you could have your groceries delevered