Muy Feo Countenance

What do you get when you put the "Stripe" gremlin and a baboon's ass in a blender?

ELWOOD!

Yo dog so ugly the vet puts the thermometor in his mouth (think about it)!

Odontophoridae morning

Beautiful sunrise today as I drove to work (yes, I work on Saturday mornings unlike the rest of the pathetic world!). My public awaits at 7:30am or earlier! I spotted a family of quail right next to the freeway onramp, in the gravel of the onramp landscape inches from the road! Those little guys better get the fuck out of the way or they are going to look like a sandwich from Chick fil A (a restaurant that proudly refuses profit on Sundays?Weird.)!

I also want to THANK and/or fuck the sexy,navy seal/Mathew McCaughany/Lance Armstrong-looking, neighborhood guy running down the street during my commute! He didn't have a lot of hair, but he definitely wasn't boyish! Nice rippling muscular chest and legs....mmmmm. My first reverie was "I'd like that navy SEAL to balance me on his nose!"

Copulations with Zach Braff

Copulations is a word Wikepedia--look it up! Because Zach Braff makes me laugh I would:

Have sex with him in a boat (eat your heart out Pamela and Tommy), but probably not with a goat!

Have sex with him in the rain, of course in the dark, and on a train,in a car,in a tree (I AM a tree hugger)

Zach sex is so good, good you see?

He can eat my box,have sex with me 'cause I'm a fox, have sex in your mom's house,with a mouse (Disneyland?),here and there--ANYWHERE!

I do so like Zach sex

Thank you

Thank you

Zach Braff

Canines and felines "Oh my"

My dog Earl Grey. That's right---this mick has met the Queen!

Chloe has webbed feet

My cat, Sebastian, sexy mother fucker!

Earl Grey's bitch, Muffin Top. Who doesn't love that mug?

Labia Nomenclature

I have compiled a creative list of alternative international names for the labia that show on women in tight clothing. Wanna see it (the list I mean silly)? Message to David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel: No stealing!

The United States: Camel toe

Iraq: Camel toe

Canada: Moose knuckles

Russia: Walrus lips

Switzerland: Tulip folds

Peru: Alpaca mouth

Afghanistan: Hidden

Australia: Billa-buds

Bahamas: Bahamian tacos

Cambodia: Khmer hills

National Biodegradable Day!

Tip for ladies: Don't use big words to pick up guys!

It was a beautiful, sunny, Montana morning. My dog, Earl Grey, and I were enjoying our outdoor stroll. We came to a nice open park and saw the most gorgeous,pure white, Huskey you have ever seen! She looked at us with those piercing,icy, blues and I would have done her doggy style right there (except that I only have platonic relationships with animals, I'm a girl, and I'm not into beastiality).

Oh, there was this guy there with her too. The Huskey's owner and I were standing pretty close. He was casually glancing at my left hand to check for the kiss of death, the wedding ring. We were hitting it off pretty well. We talked about our dogs, the weather, etc. I noticed that his dog was shedding her white fur all over the green park (it was early summer). He said, "Oh, don't worry I'll pick it all up" I laughed and said breathily "It's not a problem, dog fur is biodegradable!" Ha Ha"

Cue: silence except for crickets chirping

He looked at me with a redness to his face and said "What is biodegradable? I've never heard of that!" Then I went on to explain that it is when microorganisms like bacteria,that fun gi, and the elements break down products and decompose them--- returning them to the earth whence they came. So, essentially there isn't a need to "pick it all up and dispose of it". He didn't say another word, grabbed his hot dog, and fled as suddenly as he had arrived!

The moral here: Play "Paris" and don't tip off that you might know a big word he doesn't or you won't get a big reward!

To kick off National Biodegradable Day here are some items that are also biodegradable:

Bears' shit in the woods

semen

vaginal juice

various fruits like kiwi

yo moma's pubic hairs

my love

tacky Chinese emblem hemp hand bags

obnoxious military childs' clothing

"PINK" Victoria's secret pants

I think that eye pencils are mostly biodegradable, I'll have to look that one up.

Can you think of another excellent biodegradable specimen?

Mammary Glands are Archaic

I propose that the female ass replace the rack as the sexual dimorphic characteristic that men lust after. The female boobs are too functional,subject to shape shift and loss,hard to get to,and not generally as firm as the ass.
Take these young ladies from Africa for instance:

They breast feed their children and manually grind their flour. Their boobs are far from perky spheres by the time they reach adulthood (of course they have other issues that I may broach at a later date: The use of patriarchal customary laws constrained women’s access to resources,The legal framework prohibited poor women from entering informal labour markets,Prevailing traditional gender biases exist against women in the allocation of land,Women’s access to resources is limited due to biases resulting from the family arbitration system,Women have no access to legal aid and are severely constrained in seeking remedies from civil courts,Lack of women’s grassroots organisations prevents their participation in development activities). Piqued your interest? http://www.ethioembassy.org.uk/fact%20file/a-z/women-1.htm
Alas, I digress (I probably have ADD--where is my Ritalin)!
Most women after childbirth and breastfeeding and generally reaching ages above 19 will not have perky breasts. It is nearly impossible to get boobs to regain their former turgidity and bounce. If women have had breast cancer, the breast is either partially or totally removed and she needs surgery. The only women who have magnificent specimens after their 20's have spent $1,000's on surgery and may have to repeat a surgery and/or lift again every decade or so! No thanks!
Enter the ass cheek: the glutes generally retain their shape and firmness after childbirth and breastfeeding (although the hip width may change due to the pelvis physically separating). Plus, it is very easy and inexpensive to keep the ass and get it in shape!

Boobs are difficult to get to: there is the formidable bra that can be difficult to unhook or downright impossible to get a sports bra off easily! Not to mention the bothersome need for eye contact and/or conversation.
Now with modern clothing trends, the ass cleavage is easily viewed (dime slot) and can be readily caressed without many calories burned. Panties may provide some hindrance, but there aren't any hooks or complicated discard methods. Not to mention it is much closer the real object of men's desire: the Vagina (play celestial music now).

Boobs are not as firm as the ass (pre-surgery)! Can you slap a boob and hear a resounding smack? Will the boobs resist the pressure of weight? Can you grab on tight to boobs without your partner screaming in agony? No, butt you can smack an ass cheek (http://churchofjessicabielsass.blogspot.com/, http://spankcheeks.blogspot.com/), put your weight against it, and hold on tight!

The moral of this tail: Ass cleavage has resilience and staying power without the tedious functional jobs related to child rearing! Okay now, lactating Nellies get your panties in a bunch!

Hermaphroditic cartiligeneous fishes

Repeat the title of this article 7 x I dare you!

Speaking of "Down Under" and cloacas, the Virginia Aquarium shark tank discovered a pregnant black tip reef shark. What is the big deal you may ask? There aren't any male black tip reef sharks in the vicinity! I think she just got lonely one night ate a few flounder to many and hopped out to meet a hot guy and get tanked (get it--pun fun)!

I wonder if Eddie Murphy is the baby's daddy?

Down Under

G'd Day!

Have you heard of the newest surgery in the plastic surgery array of services? They are calling it "Down Under" for women who want to re-sculpt their vaginal area. I have some questions for you: Why would someone need it? Who would do it?




Fig. 1 This girl may be a good candidate, but wouldn't you do your face first:

Fig. 2 Then there is this woman who looks great on the outside, but....

Fig. 3 Maybe Fig. 2 had some unfortunate love relationships that have alas created this problem:



















Other than Fig. 2's unfortunate problem, don't all genitals look unpleasant? I can't say that I've ever admired the beauty of what lies beneath the labia folds (unless help me out guys--there really is something awe inspiring there?)


In conclusion: Of all the options available for plastic surgery, common sense would dictate to start with the face and save your money for a special toy or ride!

Tina Fey Crush

I have a girl crush on Tina Fey. She is a writer,comedian, and producer worthy of note! She wrote for and starred in Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock. Saturday Night Live will not be the same without her. The female characters tend to be flat and superficial now that she is gone. How many female poptarts can you impersonate before it becomes dull? There are so many successful, powerful women out there who need satire:
Indra Nooyi, PepsiCo ,Brenda Barnes, Sara Lee ,Anne Mulcahy, Xerox ,Andrea Jung, Avon ,Meg Whitman, eBay ,Oprah Winfrey, Harpo Inc. ,Pat Woertz, ADM ,Sallie Krawcheck, Citigroup ,Irene Rosenfeld, Kraft Foods , and Susan Arnold, P&G
Other good fodder:
Female sports celebs like Gabby Riese and Mia Hamm.
What about foreign women who are making a name for themselves like Michelle Bachelet, President of Chile? We all know that satire is the root of notariaty and celebrity. Clinton was made fun of frequently in the comedy circles and it endeared him to the public.
30 Rock rocks! Her character has the perfect mix of vulnerability and smarts. Her character can't keep her apartment tidy or eat neatly, but she can manage a team of writers and actors! I hope that Alec Baldwin doesn't screw up her show again next season with his personal life feuds.