Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix Auditions

My dog, Earl Grey, tried out for the dog changeling scene in the beginning of Harry Potter. But he kept licking his balls and shouting "where's my bitches?!" He didn't get the part, but they are considering him for a rap video.

My cat, Sebastian, tried out for one of the cats emblazoned in the decorative china on the wall. However, he kept singing and dancing: "I'm too sexy for this scene, too sexy for this scene, no way I'm disco dancing!"

Hermione really whored it up in this last flick. She piled on the makeup and starting shouting crazy anti-establishment, wanton rebel rheteric! Her shirts were only layered twice and her hair was down a few times! She even got a giant to succumb to her seduction.

Emma Thompson was soo convincing as a sniveling, inept instructor that I thought she really was an educator (I can say that because I was a teacher myself)!

Want to see Harry Potter's "wand" (about 9-10 pictures down from the top)?: http://www.razzy.org/RazzyBlog/labels/Harry%20Potter.html

Park Ecosystem

As I tried to walk off my Einstein challah roll with cream cheese at the local park (that's right I'm a pseudo Jew), I noticed the interesting organisms and how they interacted with each other and the environment.



The first character that I encountered was a crested duck that looked just like Al Sharpton. He was quacking something about his herum of female ducks not resembling "Nappy Headed Hoes"!
I then encountered a local park visitor that I will call "BMX Bumb". He rides his bike bravely up and down the sloping park hills. Muttering various things to himself and others--no doubt accepting the adulation of thousands of imaginary fans. He would pause at the top of each hill as if to proclaim his prowess to the world: "I am bike man of the park!" I have to give him props though, I would admire his obviously ripped physique if he wasn't over 60 and psychotic!

"Hey Boo Boo"

Now for the next mental image. Close your eyes and see if you can picture the ideal park ranger (I know its me). Seriously, I encountered an obese park ranger riding on his quad throughout the park!


Now, I got into the ranger business because of my earnest granola-eating, tree-hugging tendencies. The granola-eating part isn't really true--I like my cheeseburgers (refer to the restaurant post). I do, however, pride myself on walking at least 1 mile if not 5 or 6 a day.

Who is this guy who has switched roles with Yogi the bear like some Twilight Zone episode? What next? Is he going to plug in his playstation at the restroom power outlet or "hangout" at the snack bar and ask for potato chip donations? I can see him chasing down a looting bear to get the good food back for himself. Or, maybe he likes breaking into a tourist's car for the marshmallows on the front seat! All the little visitor kids exclaim that they get their picture taken with Yogi the ranger by the trash!





I almost didn't see a guy walking around in his camo pants. It is necessary to be camouflaged when taking a morning stroll in the park. You never know if you will have to hide from "Al" the duck,crazy BMX Bumb, or "Yogi" the ranger!

Finally, the last but not least character: Sissy English Girl!

I spotted a girl riding English-style in a park in Montana! Something tells me that she hasn't ridden a horse named "Shithead" for 10+ hours in the heat and dust of a cattle drive. Or endured the freezing cold winter round-ups during which you drink copious amounts of Brandy to "warm" your innards and hold your hands deep in your muff (not because you enjoy pleasuring yourself, but because you are freezing your ass off). I doubt she has inhaled the acrid stench of burning cow flesh or had her chaps spattered with testicle blood! How about burning your face in the sun so much that it peels for a week or feeling the sweat trickle down from your cowboy hat into your eyes? No, pretty blond locks probably has never seen a cow in real life--let alone had one startle her horse so much that it spooked dashing her to the ground and knocking her wind out! Okay, you got me, I guess I'm just jealous. I always wanted to wear those tight riding britches and snug English boots. Oh--and the crop. We can't forget that dominatrix crop and the leather! Maybe I'll try that outfit on tonight...........

Pamploma Cow Runs?

No, it isn't some new bovine disease that causes diarrhea! Get your mind out of the gutter! This is an attempt by Spanish feminists (who knew?) to gender equalize the great bull runs of Spain. However, don't these women understand what happens to the beasts at the end of the run? They get slaughtered for dinner! So, it isn't enough that a bunch of macho men get munched during the event and the bulls die a valiant death? These women want to kill a bunch of heifers (I'm referring to the cows) too? Although the image of a bunch of hefty women trying to scramble out of the way of impending hooves is amusing! I don't habla Espanol that well after 4 years of high school Spanish, but maybe you can decipher: http://www.estudiln.net/.

I think they should have a grate (pun intended) dairy product competition and see who can churn the most butter! Or have the biggest/wettest teats contest! Come and get 'em boys! Our milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!

Scrotum Illustrated

That is what SI.com stands for! I was just perusing their picture list of "best athletes by number" and I stopped looking for female representation at about number 48. I guess if you don't have a sac, you aren't an athlete. That is fabulous that SI thinks that a horse named Secretariat beats out women like Mia Hamm (Scrotum Illustrated selected baseball's Ted William's #9 over Mia Hamm's honorable mention). Or that race car drivers are more athletic than women! Race car drivers! They push the gas pedal and steer the wheel. Wow! Super athletic prowess right there boy! I bet those guys have to bench press mad weight to get up to that condition!

The women's U.S. soccer team won not one, but two gold Olympic medals in 1996 and 2004 http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A36021-2004Aug26.html! But they can't get a professional league to flourish or better than "runner up" in SI's photo list of best athletes. The men have never won an olympic trial and probably never will, but fat cats will throw money at the men's professional soccer league like a 250 lb. letch throws money at a stripper! It is a trickle down effect too---professional organizations don't respect women,neither do college level athletics or high school. Throw us a frickin' bone here!

Restaurant Musings

"Men who don't eat beef don't eat pussy!"
That was my thought when our Red Robin waiter was at a loss for a burger recommendation. He shyly stated that he hasn't eaten a burger/beef in 4 years, although I bet he has had some "beef" if you know what I mean! I knew that Muffy the Cock Slayer would be safe today!
He was impeccable as a multi-tasking waiter/bartender. Our freckled lemonade was never too low and the fries were hot. He was very personable and efficient. He is the perfect guy and it made me wonder about embarking on a "Will and Grace" type living arrangement. However, I couldn't get by with just the occasional shower peek at a gay guy. I wouldn't be a good lesbian either because I would always want to receive and never give (does that make me a pillow Princess)? If a woman could be satisfied with just the occasional carpet munch from lesbians and the male companionship of a gay guy she would have it made!

Jungle Fever!

I think the black cashier at Trader Joe's has a crush on me!

A couple of days ago I bought some salad and I was in a line a few rows away. I looked over and she flashed me a smile like a guy's smile that says "I'm playing the friendly angle until I can figure out if you are married or not". Of course at the time I thought "Wow she seems really nice and maybe she wants to be friends".

But then....today I went to the Starbucks right next door and when I came out she was sitting at a table looking at me in a way that didn't say "I like your nails where did you get them done?" Her look said more "I wonder if she is wearing panties?" (which I'm not by the way, but that is neither here nor there). I briefly wondered what it would be like to be on the arm of a fairly attractive woman, then I remembered how much I like men's company.

Then I pondered this titilating tale some more and have come to the conclusion that I'm a lesbo magnet:
In high school, the softball friend who wanted to be pitcher if you catch my drift.
At the Sprint store in the mall, the woman really wanted to light touch my keys!
Albertson's cashier, wanted to find my light cupcake filling so bad she could taste it!

Arthropods are not invited!

Unless they bring enough margaritas and chulupas for everyone! A scorpion is like that odd celebrity that shows up to all the parties but wasn't invited (you know who you are Gary Coleman).

I was just minding my own business this morning when I look over at the floorboard and notice a scorpion just hanging out.

He is looking at me like "where's the tequila bitch?!"

Well, I don't take too kindly to that kind of talk even though I'm not much of a lady!

He is gesturing at me with his little nasty pointy pinchers (that's right I said LITTLE) like "I'm going to cut you!"

I released a rebel yell and grabbed him with my bare hands and bit his head off like something from a Survivor episode on speed. No, not really. I tried not to squeal like a girl and run away. I bravely grabbed my shoe and stomped him to death! Little 2-3 inch bastard!

Now, I AM a tree hugger and can appreciate his niche in the world of eating insects and taking care of business. However, he wasn't invited to this party and therefore had to die.