Dear Santa,

Have I been naughty or nice?




Earl Moran
(Publisher: Brown & Bigelow Inc.)

Of Apes and Shakespeare

Natural Lemon Flavored Water Beverage?

I was feeling quirky and apparently naive at lunch today. I saw the words "lemon and water" and thought that I had found a bottled water with a splash of lemon flavor. Instead I found a water with too many syllables and too many ingredients! When the word "water" doesn't show up until the end of the description, I should've known what was coming! Leave it up to Coca Cola and other big corporations to think of ingenious ways to bastardize something as natural and pure as good ol' H2O! I can just imagine the "creative team" sitting around an ominous table discussing ways to taint the American palate:

How about adding some "splenda"?
I bet 60mg of sodium will compliment the super-sodium-saturated diet of most Americans! What do you think "Bob"?
"Great idea--don't forget to add "potassium sorbate and benzoate,some magnesium sulfate and acesulfame! Mmmmm good!Just like the water Mom used to make!"

At least it tastes delicious now that they've added copious amounts of crap right? Nope--It tastes like Sprite after a half cup of ice has melted in the glass. Coca Cola company, make up your mind and stick to the tried and true: "Sprite" and "water" as separate entities do just fine!

I can join my dad in his detest of the big beverage companies! He used to only buy "Royal Crown" or "RC" cola because of the beverage monopolization wars of Pepsi and Coca Cola! However, As usual, I'm torn because even though I have a small-time business I aspire to be a big powerful corporation (or at least reap similar benefits and power). I hate how big corporations dominate the markets, but at the same time I have to admire the chutzpah to claw and scramble to the top of the American food chain!

Is Coca Cola so bad because it moves at matrix speed to come up with creative flavors,packaging,and always evolves to offer the public more and more options?! Since I tend to favor change and entrepeneurism (okay I made that word up, but maybe it needs to be made up for language to grow), I guess I have to concede to Coca Cola's dominance! Maybe they'll chock the "natural lemon flavored water beverage" experiment to the "failed" category and move on (quickly and mercifully)!

Hot Guy T.V. (HGTV)

Righty tighty;lefty loosey;these guys make me feel goosey!

I've found a stud:


To nail or not to nail?


I like to work with wood too! "Carter can" show me anytime!

Get stuffed!

Space Violation

I'm going postal. Seriously. This guy at the post office today was a fraction of a cm away from stepping on me---he was that close! I was amazed at his lack of respect for personal space, but even more amazed because I had just devoured the lunch of champions: Spicy squid salad and edamame which isn't exactly a Japanese breath mint! I apparently have a knack for engaging men at the USPS.

One time, a few months previous, I met a fine black brother who made eye contact and gave me the distinct impression he was available.



About a week ago, another couple of gents chatted me up at the automated postage dispensing kiosk (I wanted to use my mastercard to enter to win a Pontiac car). I was standing behind them and they turned around and began to engage in idle chit chat.

Then there was the episode today! The guy was talking in decibels about 3x louder than anyone around. He wanted everyone to know his business--literally. He's a business owner like little ol' me! I tried to limit the conversation with simple one-syllable answers and then look away. After a curt answer, I would be gazing at the wall or the floor when he would immediately start another conversation. It was like we were in a speed dating room or something! He wanted to keep the dialogue going as long as he could! I must've looked tuff or he wanted to see me in handcuffs because he said that he would've held my spot if the gun detector went off!Wow!? If I was keenly interested I probably would've replied something like "Why? am I smokin'hot?Do I look like I pack heat?"
He then surmised that it probably wasn't a gun detector, but an anti-theft alert device in case I decided to steal some valuable packaging or bubble wrap?? I heard you can get some high prices for bubble wrap in Indonesia! The Mandatory Little USPS Lady or TMLUL(that is what her name tag said honest)asked people in line if they had something to pick up. I thought to myself--this guy sure is trying to "pick up" on me! It didn't take long to exchange business identities and he must have sensed my affinity for IT guys because his business was computer repair and solutions. What can I say, I can't resist a geek!

Writer's Block?

Or writers' strike? Maybe I haven't posted for awhile because I have a hankerin' for a mansion in Beverly Hills and want to get paid for my inane verbiage or is it because I've been so busy I don't know what day it is anymore? Is it Thursday?
I have mixed feelings about the writers' strike. I respect people who work hard and strive for excellence, but I don't know that the mob strong-arming corporations to level the playing field is always the right way either!? Unions have really improved working conditions and salaries for many groups, but on the other hand they have diminished good old-fashioned competition. Take the teachers' union for instance--now any amorphous blob of humanity can fill the position of "teacher" from the incompetent, fucktard, coach who flirts with underage girls to the superb Einstein of a science teacher. Thanks to unions and litigious society, once a teacher is in the system,he/she can stay without contention until they croak. Pay and prestige are not based on merit in many instances, but on stay-fastedness and taking up space. I'm sure that it is disappointing to see network exec's making millions off CD and DVD sales, but maybe the most "sold" author should be rewarded---not every Tom and Harry Dick who wants to take a stab at writing!
That is just my humble and un-educated opinion. I majored in science, not literature and I am probably way off the mark! Bygones! Maybe I'm just bitter that 30 Rock isn't on and this is the first day that I've had time to breathe in awhile!

Geriatric Allusions?

We were listening to some 80's music the other day (surprise,surprise!) and I mentioned good old George. The 24-year-old I was with, asked out of curiosity "who is George?"
"Who is George?" I returned incredulously and I instantly knew that "George" must have been before her time! I simultaneously realized that now I was starting to reference things that occured before other people were old enough to understand!? I have now reached a new tier on the age chart--check the box between 30-years-old and 40-years-old and you'll find me! It is a sad day to realize that there are a lot of people who have not shared my experiences! But I tried to save my dignity by retorting that I'm not familiar with some older bands either like,say, the "Who"--I was just recently introduced to!
I asked her again--"Haven't you heard of "Wham"?"....nothing....crickets and blank stares.....
I have resigned myself to looking for "vintage VH1" and "80's tributes on MTV. I'm officially "vintage" now which sounds better than archaic I suppose!
Alas, I will walk off into the distance shaking my cane and muttering "kids these days with their rock and roll music!" (I really did say something similar to that effect by citing that Depeche Mode and say, Def Lepard are way more vocally talented than most of "today's" synthesized artists)! You can keep the new genre of "pop rock", I don't want to download that shiz even for free!

"I want your sex
I want your love
I want your.. Sex

It's natural
It's chemical (let's do it)
It's logical
Habitual (can we do it?)
It's sensual
But most of all...
Sex is something we should do
Sex is something for me and you

Sex is natural - sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural - sex is fun
Sex is best when it's... One on one
One on one"

Bad dog!

WINDHOEK, Namibia — Sixty-eight villagers in northern Namibia were hospitalized last week after eating a dog that had been killed by disease, the local daily The Namibian reported Wednesday. (Foxnews.com)

What is more odd about this statement?

1. People eat dogs?

2. People eat diseased dogs?

3. A dead, diseased dog can feed 68 people?! Now, I know what to provide for the next luau (jk)!

Apparently, not only do Namibians regularly eat dogs, they regularly dine on diseased canine! 55 villagers became ill last month (reported on 10/27)! The Namibians keep cattle for pets and rarely slaughter them because they represent wealth, but the loyal canine is free game. I guess if your neighbors have annoying barkers for pets in Africa, they could end up on the menu! Someone please ship them some rice or some Pedigree dog food and save the dog (for only pennies a day)! Where is Hayden Panettiere when you need her--maybe she can don some fetching safari ensemble and bring her bush to Africa (I mean hunt bush in Africa, I mean "be an activist" in the African bush).

Its a dog-eat-dog world and Namibians know how to do it "doggy style"!

A Halloween Tale

It was Halloween morning and since I have a newly enhanced love of strolling with my dogs, I decided to walk my costumed daughter to her bus stop. She was smartly attired with a matching purple scrub top and bottoms purchased from a real medical scrub supply store. She was even donning an authentic stethoscope! As we approached the bus stop, the boys exclaimed "it's a zombie nurse!" then one corrected the others with a wiley smile and yelled "No! I was talking about her mom!" The cutely pertinent boy was probably accurate because I had just rolled out of bed with disheveled hair and barely open eyeballs!

Then the girls at the stop started chattering about how they liked her nurse outfit and always wanted to be nurses. Well, little did these unsuspecting youth know: in addition to "errand girl", I also play the superhero role of "stereotypical awareness girl" although I wasn't dressed up that day. I immediately had to point out--why not Dr.? Why did you assume that she was a nurse? I brushed aside my tousled coif and then went on to elaborate in my feminine studies sort of way. I explained "If I were to pick a profession in the medical field, it would be Dr., they get paid more and do less of the "dirty" work". Being the capricious and easily influenced birds of teenage indecision, they immediately adopted my philosophy. They began to espouse the virtues of Dr.'s and how they had always considered becoming Dr.'s (keep in mind they were infatuated with female nurses mere minutes ago). This experience led me to recall how easy it is to influence fragile teenage egos (especially when you are of the same gender). Did I poison young minds or instil confidence and broaden their horizons? I fear I may have set a dangerous idea in a young hispanic girl's mind. I asked this young girl what she was going to be for Halloween and like many girls it isn't a matter of "what" as "how" feminine they are going to be. She proudly exclaimed that she was going to wear the purple dress that she got for a friend's Quinceañera. The pinnacle of a Spanish or Mexican girl life is the Quinceañera: "Quinceañera refers both to a special unique birthday and to the girl who has turned 15. The event is comparable to the concept to a debutante's "coming out party" in other countries. The celebration acknowledges that a young woman has reached maturity and is now ready to start a life beyond childhood. In addition, the celebration is intended to reaffirm religious faith, good morals, and the virtues of traditional family values "(http://www.marryu.com/spanish/quinceaneras.htm). I have mixed feelings about this practice. While it is nice to uphold customs and have cultural "coming of age" ceremonies, it is another example of a dominant religion taking native beliefs and twisting them into something different. The Quinceanera is the catholic churches attempt to consolidate the ancient Aztec practice and it is a message to young hispanic girls to look forward to their lives as mothers and wives. Many hispanic girls are simply encouraged to get pregnant and begin families without much in the way of other options: "1) Almost one-quarter of Hispanic women will give birth before age 20; 2) Hispanic teens tend to look at the prospect of pregnancy more favorably than teens from other racial and ethnic groups; and 3) Sexually experienced Hispanic teens are less likely to use contraception than teens in the overall U.S. population. In addition, the brief presents implications for policy and practice"http://www.nsba.org/site/doc_schoolhealth_abstract.asp?TRACKID=&CID=1116&DID=37495

"Teen births - In 1995, Hispanic teen birth rates were the highest in the Nation, surpassing for the first time the non-Hispanic black rate, which had previously been the highest. Higher rates for Hispanics are primarily driven by the higher teen births among Mexican women"(http://library.adoption.com/pregnancy/new-study-profiles-hispanic-births-in-america/article/4761/1.html)

The question: To aspire be a Dr. or a young mom (or a slutty nurse/princess/cheerleader/fill-in-the-blank skirted girl? Which is the better for the woman and for society? Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously not an advocate for prudes. I have often pondered the nasty school girl or nurse costume, but as a fun role-playing option. Look at Addison Montgomery (fictitious character of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy), she is an accomplished professional and extremely sexy and could be a mother? Is her character entirely fictitious?