Eagle Eye's Omnipotent View

Xanga Heaven is no Haven

2008-08-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

The sword of the religious warrior leaves a wide swath. The blog site: xanga, features an all-Christian blogging community that I refuse to market by mentioning, but it has the word "life" in it. One of my contentions is that xanga gets funding from public companies to run its engines. Are the company sponsors aware of the complete Christian domination and if they are aware--why so discriminatory with their funds? Also--wouldn't it be more appropriate for a public and publicly funded site to showcase all major religions,and the scientific community? Why isn't their a "life science" blogging community showcased or the "secular reasoning" section for people with inquiring minds instead of the blind leading the blind?
Stay tuned. I may decide to stop playing in xangaland. Although it is much more fun being the voice of reason in a sea of fumbling sheep. Checkout xanga. If you like its format, stay, but please be a presence of enlightenment and reason.
Plead for the needy! The needy scientifically minded, the needy woman, the needy man, the needy society that craves freedom!

Studs

2008-03-31T14:36:00.001-07:00

Fraternize without Facebook?

2008-03-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

"Importance" in a squirrel colony generally refers to "adult males that are putting out feelers for sex opportunities or...adult females that are experienced at mating and want to have their choice of a bunch of males,". (Discovery.com)

Male squirrel: "Hey, baby how you doin'? Wanna see my nuts?"

Female: "Sure, feel my bush....y tail?"

Happy Spring!

2008-03-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

Drilling a Tight Hole

2008-03-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

While it may feel good in the short term, is there any future in it?

tight hole
1. n. [Drilling]
ID: 1625A section of a wellbore, usually openhole, where larger diameter components of the drillstring, such as drillpipe tool joints, drill collars, stabilizers, and the bit, may experience resistance when the driller attempts to pull them through these sections. See: openhole, tool joint
2. n. [Drilling]
ID: 1626A well that the operator requires be kept as secret as possible, especially the geologic information. Exploration wells, especially rank wildcats, are often designated as tight. Unfortunately, this designation is of questionable benefit in keeping the data secret. See: wildcat

I'm pro-capitalism and making money, but I also feel that corporations have a social and environmental responsibility. Sustainable and renewable resources are the wave of the future and many do not require the rape and pillage of the natural world and other nations.

Survivalism by Nine Inch Nails:

I should have listened to her

So hard to keep control

We kept on eating but

Our bloated belly's still not full

She gave us all she had but

We went and took some more

Can't seem to shut her legs

Our mother nature is a whore(chorus:)

I got my propagandaI got revisionism

I got my violence

In hi-def ultra-realism

All a part of this great nation

I got my fistI got my planI got survivalism

Hypnotic sound of sirens

Echoing through the street

The cocking of the rifles

The marching of the feet

You see your world on fire

Don't try to act surprised

We did just what you told us

Lost our faith along the way and found ourselves believing your lies(chorus)(cut-up speech)All bruised and broken, bleeding

She asked to take my handI turned, just keep on walking

But you'd do the same thing in the circumstance

I'm sure you'll understand(chorus)You got your pacifism - I got survivalism (repeat)

Texas Tea

2008-03-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

Come and listen to a story about a man named GW Bush

A poor mountaineer, with an alcoholic blush,

Then one day he was shootin at some food,

And up through the ground came a bubblin crude.

Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.

Well the first thing you know ol GW's a millionaire, Kinfolk said "GW move away from there" Said "Iraqi is the place you ought to be"

So they loaded up the truck and moved to Iraqi.

Holes, that is. No swimmin pools, or movie stars.

Well now its time to say good bye to GW and all his kin.

And they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin in. You're all invited back a gain to this locality

To have a heapin helpin of their hospitality Hillybilly that is.

Set a spell, Take your shoes off. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

War Song

2008-03-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

It is war! It is war!
O God’s angel, keep it awayand intervene to stop it!
Sadly, it is war—and I do not want it to be my fault!

What could I do if
the ghosts of the slaughtered came to me sorrowing in my sleep, bloody, white and pale, and wept before me—what?

If hearty men who went looking for honor,
Maimed and half dead,
Waltzed before me in the dust and cursed me
In their dying need?

If a thousand thousand fathers, mothers, brides,
So happy before the war,
Now all miserable, all poor people,
Cried out in grief over me?

If hunger, illness and dire need
Gathered friend, friend and enemy into the grave
And crowed to me about honorsitting on a corpse?

What help would crown and land and gold and honor be?
They could not make me happy!
Sadly, it is war—and I do not want it to be my fault!

--Matthias Claudius (1740-1815). This poem was written in 1779 about the War of Bavarian Succession.

Atrocities in Iraq

2008-03-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

Reasons to end the imperialist dynasty as stated by the IVAW:

*Corporate profiteering is driving the war in Iraq

*The occupation is a primary motivation for the insurgency and global religious extremism

*Our national “moral authority” is being undermined

Staff Sgt. Jimmy Massey

Rape and murder of "Hadji girl"

My war

Why end strife when you can market and profit from it?

Personal stories

In the news

War is hell

Lobbies are too powerful," the most powerful being the ones wanting war. - Gunther Grass, Nobel Laureate

When Irish Eyes are Smilin'

2008-03-17T14:42:00.001-07:00

There's probably a reason!

Every Sperm is Sacred

2008-03-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

If you think I can be shrewish, you haven't met my catholic/Irish friend! My friend cusses like a trucker,has been known to bed down a few men in her day, and drinks like a fish. She would rant more than me (unbelievable I know) and scream like a banshee to get her way. She never set foot in a church outside of official functions like weddings etc. UNTIL---She met a tall,strapping marine (divorced btw) who happened to be catholic. They moved in together and engaged in quite the unmarried bliss--oddly without conceiving any children out of wedlock (birth control maybe?). Not only did her incessant screeching and temper tantrums subside after meeting him, she also became what I can only refer to as a born-again catholic. She attends church every Sunday, says grace before meals (the first time in 20+ years), and has charged full on into the catholic guilt phase ("I've always been a good christian girl"--she tells me one day when I was doing something questionable as usual).

She even believes that her fiance only has eyes for her and doesn't even look at other women. When I broached the subject that all men are visual and sexual beings and will always at least want to "see" many female forms, she chidingly told me that her man isn't like that and hasn't the least thought about other women! HA! I laughed at her and then shook my head.

So, anyway. I am embarking on a road trip to NV to celebrate her coming catholic nuptials by hitting all the casinos,partying,gambling, and drinking. I guess when you're catholic, everything goes as long as you say your sorry at the end of the day, say grace and go to church.

Presidential potential

2008-03-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

LMAO! I did the test about 3x and still came out with JFK! I always thought of myself as more of a Marilyn! I should run for Prez!?

Networking Nativity?

2008-03-05T12:15:00.001-08:00

"I am a follower of Jesus and it is my relationship with Him that motivates and informs all that I do."

This quote was the first line of an insurance sales lady's description on a prominent/international networking website. Seriously?

The most important aspect of you and your business is that you are a follower of Jesus?

Will He reduce my insurance rates?

Is He a good listener when I have an insurance claim?

How long will I have to wait while you consult Him on my coverage?

As your consumer, I don't know that I want to play second fiddle to your "relationship" with this guy.

Did He help you tie your shoes before He directed you to type your profile online?

Can you imagine how much business I wouldn't get if I stated that I'm an active agnostic (sounds like a tampon commercial--try today's active tampon for the agnostic on the run) who "believes" in scientific method and evolution? Christians don't hesitate to pull the "God" card in marketing and networking, but does it work so well for many other groups?

Pretentious Players

2008-03-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

And their primates. When I first heard this headline: "Pet Lemur Bites 3-year-old boy", I thought "wow! How odd? How would a boy and lemur meet--the zoo?" Then my second thought was the exotic pet trade and I wasn't disappointed: Lemur story.

Leave it up to a professional athlete to use his mega paycheck to do something stupid. Jog my memory--when has something similar happened before? What possesses a parent to think one day "you know what will make an awesome pet for little Johnny?A quite possibly endangered primate with nasty pointy teeth. I'll take this wad of extra cash and flaunt my affluence by going down to the neighborhood Madagascar and purchase an exotic find!" *whistles* then *spits out tobacca*.

WTF? If you have some extra cash that you want to dispose of why don't you put efforts towards SAVING endangered species and EDUCATION?? I'm sure that pretty penny used to purchase poor Zoboomafoo would have done a lot better applied to his habitat and educating the world about the primate plight!

OR
at a minimum, buy me a new car or put MY kid through college.

(OK. Maybe I'm just jealous I don't have my own personal primate playmate. Shucks!)

The Black Stallion

2008-02-29T09:48:00.000-08:00

Did I mention I like horses? Growing up, I rode my quarter horse bareback frequently and amassed a giant collection of Breyer horses. My mother still sends me Special edition Christmas Breyers every year (lucky me). Being artistic, I also doodled pictures of horses constantly and I even recently sketched a pony for my daughter (maybe I'll share if I can get it scanned and saved).

One of my favorite movies is The Black Stallion. Who wouldn't want to be stranded on a beautiful desert island with a magnificant stallion (and a horse too)? You could dine on sea food every evening,get a tan, workout by riding or trapsing through the sand,swim and frolick for hours. The only things I would add are the occasional Cabana boy sans garments and maybe a pina colada or two.

You like Pina Coladas

Getting caught in the rain

And the feel of the ocean

And the taste of champagne

If you'd like making love at midnight

In the dunes of the Cape

Come with me and escape

Different strokes

2008-02-28T14:31:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I spouted about a feminist topic or anti-religion, so here it goes:

I think I met a woman from Pakistan yesterday. I'm not sure because her male companion spoke for her and she wouldn't look me in the eye. I complain ad nauseam about sexism in the U.S., but at least women aren't reduced to infant or chattel status here. I can look a man in the eye (sort of--I have to look up at times) and I can move about unchaparoned in easy fitting clothing. In some cultures and religions, it is as if they want women to be invisible: Do not speak,do not bare your skin, and do not do things unchaparoned because you are cursed with a vagina.

My dog, Muffin Top, ran up to her and licked her foot and she screamed in fright and horror!? I thought to myself, she obviously has never been licked by a man anywhere if she responds to a four-footed friend with such shreaks! This thought prompted me to do a brief google search on Muslims and sex. Surprise, surprise. In Egypt, they are debating whether or not to remove clothes for intercourse, denouncing oral sex as filthy, and asking for definitions of oral sex because pleasuring women is not high on their to-do list: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2006/jan/17/worlddispatch.egypt.

The plight of the Muslim female is woeful indeed!

"The Trial"

"The East receives my songs, some praise, some curse To each of them my gratitude I bear For I've avenged the blood of each slain woman and haven offered her who is in fear.

Woman's rebellious heart I have supported ready to pay the prize - content to die if love should slay me, for I am love's champion and if I ceased, then I would not be I."

Nizar Qabbani

I'm F**cking Anakin by Cowgirl

2008-02-26T11:34:00.000-08:00

If Sarah Silverman is f**cking Mat Damon and Jimmy Kimmel is f**cking Ben Affleck, then

I'm f**cking Hayden Christensen!

I'm sorry but its true!

Way up high

With his Eiffel Tower (*nudge wink*)

With cash

Like the Romans do

While surfing in Fiji

In a British pub

While listening to the Fray

Someplace warm

In a Mercedes convertable SL550

That's right, we're f*$king from one spot to the next!

Lady or a Tramp?

2008-02-20T11:05:00.000-08:00

Or Kitten or Cougar? These questions and more raced through my mind the other day at lunch. A charming, dashing, and 20-something waiter/bartender was very "friendly" and made sure that he met all my needs at the OG (Olive Garden). There was some obvious flirting going on--so much so that it prompted my lunch companion to joke that I should leave my business card as a calling card. Then the conversation turned to cougars and young men. I can't decide if "cougar" is a positive or negative term or if I even fit the category. I'm only in my 30's and I spend exactly 5 minutes total on my curly locks and makeup, I don't have fake tits, and I can't stand to be in heels for more than a few hours. My vision of a cougar has always been the overdone, 50ish, desperate housewife looking for some attention. But, when I broach the topic with my female friends--they seem to embrace the "sugar momma" connotation. Cougar, I've been informed, is a very hot older woman who is independent and doesn't need men for security--only for obvious uses! Look at Demi Moore, they tell me. She is very beautiful and successful--she is a cougar!
So the question still remains to me---What defines a cougar? At what age are you labeled and what criteria are needed? Are cougars hot or not? Check out the survey on the side.

Metamorphosis (again)

2008-02-09T07:31:00.001-08:00

I enjoy blogging as a creative outlet and will continue to do so!
PS--I suppose I'm flattered that I was chosen as a target. I guess I must pose some sort of a threat for a group to single me out for a high school "jolly" fest!

Thanks for the good times,

Cowgirl

Drugstore Cowgirl

2008-02-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

Today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two

The one with old wood creaking that would burn away right on cue

I try to be not like that but some people really suck

Some people need to get the axing chalk it up to bad luck

I know a drugstore cowgirl so afraid of getting bored She's always running from something so many things ignored I might do that stuff if it didn't make me feel like shit I'm on some old reality tip so many trips in it

Beautiful disaster Flyin' down the street again I tried to keep up You wore me out and left me ate up Now I wish you all the luck

You're a butterfly in the wind without a care A pretty train crash to me and I can't care I do I don't whatever

I know a drugstore cowgirl so afraid of getting bored She's always running from something so many things ignored I try to be not like this but I thought it'd make a good song There's nothing to see shows over people just move along

Break Pigskin with Me

2008-02-01T13:04:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing women can do (other than their sexual attributes) its cook some mean half-time meals for the big game (then maybe do some sewing and keep an emaculate house). You know, women are competitive that way!

I have the perfect pigs in a blanket recipe:

Ingredients: Little Smokies and Pillsbury croissants dough

Directions:

Cut the raw dough into little triangles with scissors

Wrap each smokie in a "croissant" triangle and bake according to Pillsbury directions!

Mmmmm.....Good.

Now that you have more free time---you too can sneak a peek at Tom Brady's "swollen"...er....."ankle"!

Animal Farm of Sorts

2008-01-31T06:59:00.001-08:00

What a playground I found! Pranksters "hanging out" in the underworld.

I had a rep when I attempted to participate in the beauracratic and heavily entrenched with religion government system. People would smile in amusement and relief when they met me in person and found that I was petite, short and not brutish in appearance at all. I had a parent laugh lightly one time--"I thought you were a big monster of a woman, yet you are a soft-spoken, young-looking teacher (I really didn't embellish the "young-looking" part--I got accused of being a student frequently)!"

While I obviously have a wee bit o' a temper,being of a reasonable mind, I can usually see through my flashes of "PMS" (partly made up syndrome to explain away women's tendency to have independent thought and anger). I can appreciate the need for a creative outlet and freedom of expression. I would never wish someone to destroy their creativity--it would be like destroying a part of themselves.

Yours,

Cocquetish Cowgirl

Hacker-haters

2008-01-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

Censorship is for Pussies

and panty-waists (in keeping with the sexist sport theme)! I've found myself in trouble on Mondays lately. Take last Monday for instance, I got pulled over for passing on a solid yellow line. As the dashing,young,and freshly showered Sheriff with the smart tie and button-up shirt shone his "light" in my face, I thought "I've been very bad officer". He was in a hurry that morning too, so I got off (from the ticket violation at least).
Well, then I broke the rules by combining militant feminazi ranting with a masturbatory (I think I made that up---cool huh?) image of a topless cheerleader on my post. This juxtaposition of the nude female form and abrasive verbiage is apparently very disturbing to men. Men like their women and their reading the same way--submissive and mellow. My bad!
My creative outlet has ruffled some feathers and I have been blocked and intimidated from participating in public forums (again). I can hear their battle cry "Light the animal carcasses on fire and load the Trebuchet---attack the firewall!"
Hacker-types crack my shit up. They preach about freedom of information and freedom from the bounds of censorship, yet they are the first to use their deity-like complex to stifle others who disagree. A hacker-type recently told me that what the hackers recently did to "Scientology" is CRIMINAL, but it is okay to mess with civilians? Hmmph! I also like how they hide behind avatar aliases like the "Joker". It is like a double disguise, not only is it not you, it is a thickly painted image so there is complete separation or so you think.

Every Game Needs a Man?

2008-01-18T07:17:00.001-08:00

According to Gatorade's latest commercial "Every Game Needs a Hero" just in time for the Superbowl, the only female sport worth advertising is women's tennis. There are four sports represented: football,baseball, basketball, and tennis. Conspicuously missing: The WNBA, OLYMPIC WINNING women's softball, and women's soccer among others!? I could tell that if there was even one woman on their creative team, she was obviously dick-whipped. The 100% testosterone-driven, monosyllabic team of Jon, Doug, Ron, Steve, Rob, Bob, and Red felt it was vitally important to show male-dominated sport images at least 13x compared to the homogeneous image of the SAME woman in a tight skirt 4x!! Not only is it the same woman in every shot, but she is the quintessential sex symbol with long, flowing blond hair, cleavage baring tank top and tennis skirt. Where are Serina and Venis Williams--Are they inconveniently too black and powerful to be seen as sex objects and/or good athletes? After my daughter (with a fractured fibula) and I sat there and counted up the discrepancies in gender and race images, I advised her to change her sport. The only way female athletes will make money professionally in the United States is if they are shaking that T & A, posing for MAXIM half-clothed, or working the streets as a prostitute and they obviously won't be working for Gatorade's ad department!
Why doesn't Gatorade be a little more obvious with their point and just show random images of scantily clad cheerleaders bending over front and back view. Now THAT would sell some sports drink!
BTW---My daughter happens to love Gatorade and drinks it frequently, but I may consider switching to the generic electrolyte beverage---I'll save money and my fucking blood pressure! Gatorade doesn't need little sport girl funding for their brand, they apparently get plenty of income from big sweaty guys in tight pants (don't get me wrong--I like a big sweaty guy in tight pants as much as the next gal and sexual imagery has its place--just not on the playing field).
Gatorade should change their slogan to "Every Gatorade Ad Needs a Woman's Input" or the more appropriate: "Every Gatorade Exec can Kiss my Irish Ass!"

'Tis the season

2007-12-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

For whinin' and bitchin' for no particular reason!!

I'm tired of incompetence-- from the gift wrapper at Mervyn's to the easily butt-hurt "marketing specialist"!

The other day, I waited 45 minutes for a high school girl to wrap two items and then I PAID her for it?! Albeit, she is a high school student. Maybe cheerleader tryouts were earlier that day or she skipped her cracker for lunch? She was very proud and meticulous in her work, but STILL!

My marketing person became defensive and belligerent when I called her to the mat on her poor service!? It is like I'm dealing with another high school girl with the way this adult "professional" acts. I can’t believe that professionals take it personal when you want tangible results!? She actually made this statement to me---“Your business is not a “big corporation” or Fortune 500 company—it is just a little business, so your planned event can't be considered as extensive.”

She thought she was going to take a little business and impress me with her limited skills? I don’t think she has taken into account that I have done advertising before and worked with vendors and events before. I guess I give the impression that I just stepped off a turnip truck?
I don’t understand how a professional can get their feelings hurt and consider not doing business with someone because they get called on their mediocrity.
REFERRALS---what a lot of these women don’t understand is that when they screw me over---I never mention their name to anyone again and if I do it is in a negative light. I may be a small business, but just one of my clients could equal several for them!

I have one piece of advice for lack luster ladies:

"learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise."

Sincerely yours,

Scrooge!

Servus Servorum Dei

2007-12-17T12:53:00.000-08:00

Capitalist Christian Vs. Socialist Atheist?

I was skimming radio stations this weekend and stumbled across a random conservative talk-show. He (I didn't stay long enough to memorize the host's name) was attacking the platform of an atheist speaker. This is what I heard: "This guy (the speaker/author) is a socialist atheist. If you are against capitalism, you are against Christianity and religion!"
This radio talk show host was essentially equating capitalism with religious faith and implying that the two are inseparable?
WTF??
I have atheist/agnostic tendencies AND I'm fervently pro-capitalism! Where does that leave me? I'm destined to wander aimlessly in "limbo" between heaven and hell because I'm not a socialist, but I'm not a christian either? Help me out here? On what planet does his comment make sense?
Then I thought to myself: "Self, isn't organized religion exactly like socialism?". Think about it: In socialism, the means of production are controlled by the people's elected representatives or controlled by the community of people directly. The "State" acts in the best interest of the people.
If we apply the idea of socialism to a church and religion, could the "people's representative" be say, a Pope or Priest?
The "State" that acts in the best interest of the people could very easily be replaced with the concept of the church hierarchy. The heavenly hierarchy prefer to be known collectively as the "Servus Servorum Dei (Servant of the Servants of God)".
Tithing is an economic parallel between socialism and church politics. Most churches/religions have some sort of dues requirement whether it is the literal 10% or not. "In recent years, tithing has been taught in Christian circles as a form of "stewardship" that God requires of Christians.
There has also been much controversy with the introduction of "membership covenants" in many evangelical churches in North America, spearheaded by many mega-churches. These covenants, such as those introduced at the Willow Creek and Saddleback mega-churches, require giving 10% to that church as a condition of membership. Prospective members must sign off on a contract and are interviewed regarding their lifestyle, including tithing.
Germany levies a church tax, on all persons declaring themselves to be Christians, of roughly 8-9% of the income tax, which is effectively (very much depending on the social and financial situation) typically between 0.2% and 1.5% of the total income. The proceeds are shared amongst Catholic, Lutheran, and other Protestant Churches. In 1933 Hitler had the entry "church tax" added to the official tax card, which meant that the tax could now be deducted by the employer like any of the other taxes." (Wikipedia)

Winston Churchill: "A socialist policy is abhorrent to the British ideas of freedom. Socialism is inseparably interwoven with totalitarianism and the object worship of the state. It will prescribe for every one where they are to work, what they are to work at, where they may go and what they may say. Socialism is an attack on the right to breathe freely. No socialist system can be established without a political police. They would have to fall back on some form of Gestapo, no doubt very humanely directed in the first instance."

Hmmm....if we replace a couple of Churchill's references to "Socialism" with "the church" does it seem so out of place?

“As with the Christian religion, the worst advertisement for Socialism is its adherents” George Orwell

In summation---conservative religion seems more in line with the socialist than the capitalist!!

Down n' Dirty

2007-12-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

My name is mud, but call me alowishus devadander abercrombie.

While I would have preferred a mustache ride, I ended up accidentally on a mud bog ride. I'm sure a more prudent person would have seen the bumpy,muddy,road with huge puddles as an obstacle and immediately turned around. Not me! One of my many aliases is "Adventure Girl" and I'm not one to turn down an unknown variable. I patted my trusty stick shift and put the ol' girl in gear (not me--I'm not THAT old yet--in keeping with sailor tradition, I'm assuming my car is female). You may recall that my car is a generic four door/compact sedan with safety paneling. My car has never seen 4WD except in the movies,the tread on the tires IS worse for wear, and it is very low to the ground (no raised under carriage for this girl--she is a prude if not prudent--I'm talking about the car again). I began my decent into uncharted, slippery, gooey times and chanted my favorite Disney quote to myself: "Don’t look backwards for very long. Keep moving forward… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” OK! About a quarter of mile later, I made it out unscathed and I felt a sense of self-adulation. "That a girl!" I had a mannish glee about me (not mannish hands though--thank goodness)! I surveyed my muddy car with pride--noting how the mud splatters reached the top of the car and coated my tires in mire! I yearn for a hybrid Jeep more than a nice Mercedes I guess. A convertible SL 550 probably would not see the light of day if I was left to my meandering ways! Now, where did I put those truck balls (I'll paint 'em pink and call 'em ovaries)!!?

MUD IS FUN!

Fluorescent Felines

2007-12-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

South Korean Kong Il-Keun's team cloned cats after modifying a gene to change their skin colour. To clone the cats, Kong's team used skin cells of the mother cat. They modified its genes to make them fluorescent by using a virus, which was transplanted into the ova. The ova were then implanted into the womb of the donor cat.

Wow! The uses of a flourescent feline are endless.

You could attach your keys to their collar and never loose track of the keys at night again!

You could match your pet cats to your skittles.

You could find all the annoying cat hair on your furniture and clothes just by flashing an ultraviolet light.

They would be the hit at any "Rave".

Hmmmm....what about Reindeer? Could there possibly be a "genuine" Rudolf with this technology? Come on Korea! Show us what you got!

And now for something completely different....

2007-12-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

Most men have at least seen a Playboy wax job I presume, many women may not be familiar. Women if you want more visits from Colonel Angus, go to your waxing expert just in time for Christmas and the mistletoe!

Don't see this movie!

2007-12-10T13:14:00.000-08:00

I received this alarming email a few months ago:

Please pass this on. Hello Friends!There is an anti-Christian movie (written by an atheist, Philip Pullman of England) called The Golden Compass coming out on December 7 (just in time for Christmas). It stars Nicole Kidman, so it will be getting a lot of publicity. Philip despises C.S Lewis and Narnia, and his goal is to "kill GOD in the minds of children". An article written about him labels him "the most dangerous author in Britain!" He has written 3 books that all promote atheism, and the movie depicts his first book (which is the more watered-down of the 3). His goal is that you see the movie and then that your kids want his trilogy for Christmas…and then it REALLY gets offensive in the second 2 books!! But just to give you a tid-bit of what's in Philip's books…a ex-nun calling Christianity a convincing mistake, 2 characters representing Adam & Eve KILL God (called YAHWEH) in the end, and there's a story about castration & female circumcision! I am blown away by this! It will be targeted toward children and advertised as a fun-holiday flick. Don't fall for it! Here is the snopes article about it to back up what I've been saying… http://snopes.com/politics/religion/compass.aspPLEASE, PLEASE tell everyone you know and love NOT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!! Imagine how our children's little minds would absorb these awful lies! Let's get the word out and fight back!!! Boycott The Golden Compass!!

Now, my interest was piqued because I had bought that series for my daughter several months earlier. I thought to myself: "Oh no! She has already read the text, what do I do to curb her spiral down into hell?"---Nah, just jk---I actually really WANTED to see the movie and read the book (maybe more-so because it was forbidden fruit--and we all know about women and forbidden fruit right?). My child and I both saw the movie yesterday and while there was a very strong metephorical comparison to a "church-like" entity, demon familiars, and flying witches it wasn't anything more or less horrific and anti-christian than "Lord of the Rings" or "Narnia". Here is another take on the film from a good christian gal: http://news.mywebpal.com/news_tool_v2.cfm?show=localnews&pnpID=724&NewsID=858422&CategoryID=16783&on=1

I want to buy the world a coke.....

2007-12-10T12:13:00.000-08:00

And a McDonald's,a theme park,and a walmart.........The U.S. has conquered with capitalism, why the need to exert more force and imperialism?

Make money not war!

In God we Trust....

2007-12-07T13:08:00.000-08:00

One small step for believers, One giant leap for secular humanists!

Pearl Harbor

2007-12-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

As I reflect on Pearl Harbor with deepest sadness,gratitude, and respect for our American veterans (including my much-loved grandfather), I can't help but compare the U.S. stand on international affairs during WWII to now.
The U.S. was a reluctant participant in WWII, forced to go on the defense after being bombed in Hawaii. One major objective of that war was to end the ceaseless tyranny of Nazi Europe and Japan.
Today's war path against Iraq and the "Axis of Evil" appears to be anti-terrorism on the surface, but with the addition of terms like "Evil" it stinks of a more sinister religious basis. The Iraq conflict is an offensive maneuver--the U.S. is seeking more religious and economic power. 9/11 was a tragedy of horrific proportions and has instilled fear and hatred in Americans, but how did the behavior of an extremist group come to represent the whole of Iraq aggression? While I don't agree with much of Arab customs and politics (I condemn and hate most), it makes me wonder if left alone, would these countries evolve to a higher humanist purpose over time? Discovering the poet and Arab nationalist,Nizar Qabbani, opened my eyes to the fact that their are activists for reason and equality in every race and country. Is it the "job" or right of the U.S. to impose its might and wrath on smaller/weaker people of different ideals? The Arab/U.S. conflict is in realty, a Judeo-Christian indignation at the audacity of others to differ in opinion, culture, and religion (whether you agree or disagree with the conflict--you have to admit it is a deep-seated "my religion and beliefs are better than yours" mission). So, am I Patriotic for seeking a humanist understanding or am I not a patriot for condemning Bush's crusade (in realty Bush is not his own man--he is owned and indebted to the church--as most politicians are owned by major parties)? What a day to bring up the ugly side of today's America or what a day to remember those who gave their lives to help end the suffering of Europe and protect the U.S. from threat in the 1940's?
In an ironic twist, I will share another Arabic poem by Nizar Qabbani
"A Lesson In Drawing"

My son places his paint box in front of me
and asks me to draw a bird for him.
Into the color gray I dip the brush
and draw a square with locks and bars.
Astonishment fills his eyes:
"… But this is a prison, Father,
Don't you know, how to draw a bird?"
And I tell him: "Son, forgive me.
I've forgotten the shapes of birds."

My son puts the drawing book in front of me
and asks me to draw a wheatstalk.
I hold the pen
and draw a gun.
My son mocks my ignorance,
demanding,
"Don't you know, Father, the difference between a
wheatstalk and a gun?"
I tell him, "Son,
once I used to know the shapes of wheatstalks
the shape of the loaf
the shape of the rose
But in this hardened time
the trees of the forest have joined
the militia men
and the rose wears dull fatigues
In this time of armed wheatstalks
armed birds
armed culture
and armed religion
you can't buy a loaf
without finding a gun inside
you can't pluck a rose in the field
without its raising its thorns in your face
you can't buy a book
that doesn't explode between your fingers."

My son sits at the edge of my bed
and asks me to recite a poem,
A tear falls from my eyes onto the pillow.
My son licks it up, astonished, saying:
"But this is a tear, father, not a poem!"
And I tell him:
"When you grow up, my son,
and read the diwan of Arabic poetry
you'll discover that the word and the tear are twins
and the Arabic poem
is no more than a tear wept by writing fingers."

My son lays down his pens, his crayon box in
front of me
and asks me to draw a homeland for him.
The brush trembles in my hands
and I sink, weeping.

Blue Thursday Poetry

2007-12-06T12:54:00.000-08:00

Nizar Qabbani
1923-1998, written in 1980

Letter from a Stupid Woman (to a man)

Don't criticize me, Master
If my writing is poor
For I write and the sword is behind my door
And beyond the room is the sound of wind and howling dogs
My master!
'Antar al Abys is behind my door!
He will butcher me
If he saw my letter
He will cut my head off
If I spoke of my torture
He will cut my head off
If he saw the sheerness of my clothes
For your East, my dear Master,
Surrounds women with spears
And your East, my dear Master
elects the men to become Prophets,
and buries the women in the dust.

That Which we Call a Rose

2007-12-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

Wherefore art thou Muhammad?

From the International Herald http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/12/04/europe/london.php: "The teddy bear ordeal began in September when Gibbons, who taught at one of the most exclusive private schools in Khartoum, started a project on animals and asked her class to suggest a name for a teddy bear. The class voted resoundingly for Muhammad.
Gibbons told her pupils to take the teddy bear home, photograph it and write a diary entry about it. Most of her students were Muslim and the children of wealthy Sudanese families.

The incident became an international cause célèbre, with Britons - both Muslim and non-Muslim - expressing outrage at Gibbons's arrest and thousands of protesters in Sudan calling for her to be put to death."

Silly Allah,imbuing kids and women with creativity and thoughtfulness! What was Allah doing during that part of his creation of "man"--smoking a doobie? If he was so all-seeing and powerful, wouldn't he eliminate the urge of kids to want to edify the Prophet Muhammad in a well-loved child's toy? It seems odd that he would want a woman put to death for the mistakes of the children of his followers (it would stand to reason though when one thinks in circles like religious zealots).
How about "towel-headed" bear? That is much more descriptive and it blissfully omits the cursed word "Muhammad" (is it a coincidence that Muhammad ends in "MAD"? I think not)!

How ironic that the American man who the Teddy bear is named after, President Teddy Roosevelt had this to say during his era: "The world would have halted had it not been for the Teutonic conquests in alien lands; but the victories of Moslem over Christian have always proved a curse in the end. Nothing but sheer evil has come from the victories of Turk and Tartar".

But as Americans can we say that we have separated church from state (education)? Let me share an anecdote with you: I was explaining evolution to some high school students one day. I was met with an extremely distraught and tearful young woman who lamented that her Christian belief had been affronted by the PBS show on evolution. The principle then coached me to tell the girl that "creationism" was a valid alternative to the theory of evolution? Years and years and volumes of scientific evidence is comparable to creationism? OK!?

There are places in the U.S. where Mormon churches are erected at the same time as schools and in conspicuous proximity to our learning institutions (I use the term loosely). Mormon students are allowed to take a "period" of their day to pursue the teachings of Latter Day Saints at the adjoining church. What about the thousands of other religions? Can you imagine how unproductive it would be if all the Christian, Muslim, Catholic, Buddhist, Pagan,Protestants,Hindus,Sikhs,Jews,agnostics, and atheists all built huge edifices in the name of their respective gods and commenced to get their learn on? Where would the education begin? Is it because the Mormon religion has a nice, white, shiny cover of mostly aryan race and polite manners? Help me jog my memory---hasn't something similar like this happened in the past with dire results?

Be afraid my friends (especially of the female persuasion--females are rarely on the winning end of such matters)! Be very afraid!

Dear Santa,

2007-11-30T08:02:00.001-08:00

Have I been naughty or nice?

Earl Moran
(Publisher: Brown & Bigelow Inc.)

Of Apes and Shakespeare

2007-11-29T10:05:00.000-08:00

Natural Lemon Flavored Water Beverage?

2007-11-28T13:41:00.000-08:00

I was feeling quirky and apparently naive at lunch today. I saw the words "lemon and water" and thought that I had found a bottled water with a splash of lemon flavor. Instead I found a water with too many syllables and too many ingredients! When the word "water" doesn't show up until the end of the description, I should've known what was coming! Leave it up to Coca Cola and other big corporations to think of ingenious ways to bastardize something as natural and pure as good ol' H2O! I can just imagine the "creative team" sitting around an ominous table discussing ways to taint the American palate:

How about adding some "splenda"?
I bet 60mg of sodium will compliment the super-sodium-saturated diet of most Americans! What do you think "Bob"?
"Great idea--don't forget to add "potassium sorbate and benzoate,some magnesium sulfate and acesulfame! Mmmmm good!Just like the water Mom used to make!"

At least it tastes delicious now that they've added copious amounts of crap right? Nope--It tastes like Sprite after a half cup of ice has melted in the glass. Coca Cola company, make up your mind and stick to the tried and true: "Sprite" and "water" as separate entities do just fine!

I can join my dad in his detest of the big beverage companies! He used to only buy "Royal Crown" or "RC" cola because of the beverage monopolization wars of Pepsi and Coca Cola! However, As usual, I'm torn because even though I have a small-time business I aspire to be a big powerful corporation (or at least reap similar benefits and power). I hate how big corporations dominate the markets, but at the same time I have to admire the chutzpah to claw and scramble to the top of the American food chain!

Is Coca Cola so bad because it moves at matrix speed to come up with creative flavors,packaging,and always evolves to offer the public more and more options?! Since I tend to favor change and entrepeneurism (okay I made that word up, but maybe it needs to be made up for language to grow), I guess I have to concede to Coca Cola's dominance! Maybe they'll chock the "natural lemon flavored water beverage" experiment to the "failed" category and move on (quickly and mercifully)!

Hot Guy T.V. (HGTV)

2007-11-26T06:09:00.000-08:00

Righty tighty;lefty loosey;these guys make me feel goosey!

I've found a stud:

To nail or not to nail?

I like to work with wood too! "Carter can" show me anytime!

Get stuffed!

2007-11-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

Space Violation

2007-11-19T15:32:00.001-08:00

I'm going postal. Seriously. This guy at the post office today was a fraction of a cm away from stepping on me---he was that close! I was amazed at his lack of respect for personal space, but even more amazed because I had just devoured the lunch of champions: Spicy squid salad and edamame which isn't exactly a Japanese breath mint! I apparently have a knack for engaging men at the USPS.

One time, a few months previous, I met a fine black brother who made eye contact and gave me the distinct impression he was available.

About a week ago, another couple of gents chatted me up at the automated postage dispensing kiosk (I wanted to use my mastercard to enter to win a Pontiac car). I was standing behind them and they turned around and began to engage in idle chit chat.

Then there was the episode today! The guy was talking in decibels about 3x louder than anyone around. He wanted everyone to know his business--literally. He's a business owner like little ol' me! I tried to limit the conversation with simple one-syllable answers and then look away. After a curt answer, I would be gazing at the wall or the floor when he would immediately start another conversation. It was like we were in a speed dating room or something! He wanted to keep the dialogue going as long as he could! I must've looked tuff or he wanted to see me in handcuffs because he said that he would've held my spot if the gun detector went off!Wow!? If I was keenly interested I probably would've replied something like "Why? am I smokin'hot?Do I look like I pack heat?"
He then surmised that it probably wasn't a gun detector, but an anti-theft alert device in case I decided to steal some valuable packaging or bubble wrap?? I heard you can get some high prices for bubble wrap in Indonesia! The Mandatory Little USPS Lady or TMLUL(that is what her name tag said honest)asked people in line if they had something to pick up. I thought to myself--this guy sure is trying to "pick up" on me! It didn't take long to exchange business identities and he must have sensed my affinity for IT guys because his business was computer repair and solutions. What can I say, I can't resist a geek!

Writer's Block?

2007-11-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

Or writers' strike? Maybe I haven't posted for awhile because I have a hankerin' for a mansion in Beverly Hills and want to get paid for my inane verbiage or is it because I've been so busy I don't know what day it is anymore? Is it Thursday?
I have mixed feelings about the writers' strike. I respect people who work hard and strive for excellence, but I don't know that the mob strong-arming corporations to level the playing field is always the right way either!? Unions have really improved working conditions and salaries for many groups, but on the other hand they have diminished good old-fashioned competition. Take the teachers' union for instance--now any amorphous blob of humanity can fill the position of "teacher" from the incompetent, fucktard, coach who flirts with underage girls to the superb Einstein of a science teacher. Thanks to unions and litigious society, once a teacher is in the system,he/she can stay without contention until they croak. Pay and prestige are not based on merit in many instances, but on stay-fastedness and taking up space. I'm sure that it is disappointing to see network exec's making millions off CD and DVD sales, but maybe the most "sold" author should be rewarded---not every Tom and Harry Dick who wants to take a stab at writing!
That is just my humble and un-educated opinion. I majored in science, not literature and I am probably way off the mark! Bygones! Maybe I'm just bitter that 30 Rock isn't on and this is the first day that I've had time to breathe in awhile!

Geriatric Allusions?

2007-11-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

We were listening to some 80's music the other day (surprise,surprise!) and I mentioned good old George. The 24-year-old I was with, asked out of curiosity "who is George?"
"Who is George?" I returned incredulously and I instantly knew that "George" must have been before her time! I simultaneously realized that now I was starting to reference things that occured before other people were old enough to understand!? I have now reached a new tier on the age chart--check the box between 30-years-old and 40-years-old and you'll find me! It is a sad day to realize that there are a lot of people who have not shared my experiences! But I tried to save my dignity by retorting that I'm not familiar with some older bands either like,say, the "Who"--I was just recently introduced to!
I asked her again--"Haven't you heard of "Wham"?"....nothing....crickets and blank stares.....
I have resigned myself to looking for "vintage VH1" and "80's tributes on MTV. I'm officially "vintage" now which sounds better than archaic I suppose!
Alas, I will walk off into the distance shaking my cane and muttering "kids these days with their rock and roll music!" (I really did say something similar to that effect by citing that Depeche Mode and say, Def Lepard are way more vocally talented than most of "today's" synthesized artists)! You can keep the new genre of "pop rock", I don't want to download that shiz even for free!

"I want your sex
I want your love
I want your.. Sex

It's natural
It's chemical (let's do it)
It's logical
Habitual (can we do it?)
It's sensual
But most of all...
Sex is something we should do
Sex is something for me and you

Sex is natural - sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural - sex is fun
Sex is best when it's... One on one
One on one"

Bad dog!

2007-11-05T06:52:00.000-08:00

WINDHOEK, Namibia — Sixty-eight villagers in northern Namibia were hospitalized last week after eating a dog that had been killed by disease, the local daily The Namibian reported Wednesday. (Foxnews.com)

What is more odd about this statement?

1. People eat dogs?

2. People eat diseased dogs?

3. A dead, diseased dog can feed 68 people?! Now, I know what to provide for the next luau (jk)!

Apparently, not only do Namibians regularly eat dogs, they regularly dine on diseased canine! 55 villagers became ill last month (reported on 10/27)! The Namibians keep cattle for pets and rarely slaughter them because they represent wealth, but the loyal canine is free game. I guess if your neighbors have annoying barkers for pets in Africa, they could end up on the menu! Someone please ship them some rice or some Pedigree dog food and save the dog (for only pennies a day)! Where is Hayden Panettiere when you need her--maybe she can don some fetching safari ensemble and bring her bush to Africa (I mean hunt bush in Africa, I mean "be an activist" in the African bush).

Its a dog-eat-dog world and Namibians know how to do it "doggy style"!

A Halloween Tale

2007-11-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

It was Halloween morning and since I have a newly enhanced love of strolling with my dogs, I decided to walk my costumed daughter to her bus stop. She was smartly attired with a matching purple scrub top and bottoms purchased from a real medical scrub supply store. She was even donning an authentic stethoscope! As we approached the bus stop, the boys exclaimed "it's a zombie nurse!" then one corrected the others with a wiley smile and yelled "No! I was talking about her mom!" The cutely pertinent boy was probably accurate because I had just rolled out of bed with disheveled hair and barely open eyeballs!

Then the girls at the stop started chattering about how they liked her nurse outfit and always wanted to be nurses. Well, little did these unsuspecting youth know: in addition to "errand girl", I also play the superhero role of "stereotypical awareness girl" although I wasn't dressed up that day. I immediately had to point out--why not Dr.? Why did you assume that she was a nurse? I brushed aside my tousled coif and then went on to elaborate in my feminine studies sort of way. I explained "If I were to pick a profession in the medical field, it would be Dr., they get paid more and do less of the "dirty" work". Being the capricious and easily influenced birds of teenage indecision, they immediately adopted my philosophy. They began to espouse the virtues of Dr.'s and how they had always considered becoming Dr.'s (keep in mind they were infatuated with female nurses mere minutes ago). This experience led me to recall how easy it is to influence fragile teenage egos (especially when you are of the same gender). Did I poison young minds or instil confidence and broaden their horizons? I fear I may have set a dangerous idea in a young hispanic girl's mind. I asked this young girl what she was going to be for Halloween and like many girls it isn't a matter of "what" as "how" feminine they are going to be. She proudly exclaimed that she was going to wear the purple dress that she got for a friend's Quinceañera. The pinnacle of a Spanish or Mexican girl life is the Quinceañera: "Quinceañera refers both to a special unique birthday and to the girl who has turned 15. The event is comparable to the concept to a debutante's "coming out party" in other countries. The celebration acknowledges that a young woman has reached maturity and is now ready to start a life beyond childhood. In addition, the celebration is intended to reaffirm religious faith, good morals, and the virtues of traditional family values "(http://www.marryu.com/spanish/quinceaneras.htm). I have mixed feelings about this practice. While it is nice to uphold customs and have cultural "coming of age" ceremonies, it is another example of a dominant religion taking native beliefs and twisting them into something different. The Quinceanera is the catholic churches attempt to consolidate the ancient Aztec practice and it is a message to young hispanic girls to look forward to their lives as mothers and wives. Many hispanic girls are simply encouraged to get pregnant and begin families without much in the way of other options: "1) Almost one-quarter of Hispanic women will give birth before age 20; 2) Hispanic teens tend to look at the prospect of pregnancy more favorably than teens from other racial and ethnic groups; and 3) Sexually experienced Hispanic teens are less likely to use contraception than teens in the overall U.S. population. In addition, the brief presents implications for policy and practice"http://www.nsba.org/site/doc_schoolhealth_abstract.asp?TRACKID=&CID=1116&DID=37495

"Teen births - In 1995, Hispanic teen birth rates were the highest in the Nation, surpassing for the first time the non-Hispanic black rate, which had previously been the highest. Higher rates for Hispanics are primarily driven by the higher teen births among Mexican women"(http://library.adoption.com/pregnancy/new-study-profiles-hispanic-births-in-america/article/4761/1.html)

The question: To aspire be a Dr. or a young mom (or a slutty nurse/princess/cheerleader/fill-in-the-blank skirted girl? Which is the better for the woman and for society? Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously not an advocate for prudes. I have often pondered the nasty school girl or nurse costume, but as a fun role-playing option. Look at Addison Montgomery (fictitious character of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy), she is an accomplished professional and extremely sexy and could be a mother? Is her character entirely fictitious?

Barking up the Wrong Tree

2007-10-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my dogs, Earl Grey and Muffin Top, run off a bit at the mouth (not unlike their owner)! Our neighbors recently lowered food and water into our yard in attempt to satiate their giant maws! You can imagine my concern about this fact when people will think nothing of poisoning a family pet nowadays! The neighbors decreed "your dogs barked from 6am until 9pm yesterday"! Really? We were home in the afternoon, so we know they were accounted for from 3pm until approximately 6pm. These are the same people that keep their huge golden retriever locked up inside their house 24/7. They keep a large breed dog in hiding like some skeleton in the closet and I'm a villian for owning vocal hounds?! I want to take a moment to inform society about the main reasons for owning the loyal canine: to protect livestock and guard homes. While the only livestock we own are the occasional grasshopper or ant/aphid colony, we do own a home that needs guarded against the occasional threats of airplane,bird,blimp, but more importantly the occasional intruder.

When the beloved Lassy wanted others to follow her to an emergency, did she take a moment to sit and ponder a quiet, gentle written request? With wet ink and a shaky paw:

"Dear Joe and fellow townsman,

It has come to my attention that a poor civilian is in need of immediate rescue. The young boy has happened upon a deep mine shaft and is losing oxygen quickly. I discussed at length, the options for retrieval and he is in concurrance with maybe providing a rope and some sort of force from a pulley system. I have travelled approximately 4.5 miles in pouring rain to write this polite request for assistance. We must move hastily, as sunset will occur in about 2 hours and the storm is increasing our urgency. Please consider my entreaty and follow me to aide the young boy.

Sincerely,

Lassie"

It is highly unlikely that Lassy could write, let alone that "she" would take the time to sit and compose a letter of alarm. It much more probable that she barked her head off and ran around in frantic circles!

What about our friend "Rin Tin Tin"? Did he use creative methods to get assistance? Possibly he peed the letters S.O.S. in a clearly visible golden trail?

I prefer the loud announcement of danger from the proud vocal chords of my dear companions! I only hope that my trusty pooches will save the possessions or maybe even the lives of our neighbors someday! In the meantime, exercise,discipline, and affection as my friend Cesar Milan says!

Costume Party!

2007-10-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

Comparitive Natural Disaster Strategies

2007-10-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

So. Cal vs New Orleans

New Orleans: Animals were not rescued; the streets were full of non-neutered pit bulls itching for a fight and/or food. To this day, there are missing animals.

So. Cal: Animals were not always rescued; the well-manicured slopes were full of exotic llamas, alpacas, pregnant goats, and the occasional purebred steed by the name of Sonoma Saphire or (ironically) Angel on Fire? Would they survive without their carefully weighed out, pedigreed feed and daily grooming?Luckily, most livestock were whisked away to the Del Mar track.

New Orleans: Looting and mayhem ruled the emergency efforts. People were ransacking the local stores for more than staples.

So. Cal: Looting and mayhem ruled. For instance, one woman was spotted leaving a Saks with her toy dog and thousands of dollars worth of brand name merchandise. Another woman chipped her nail when trying to grab her Tuscany inspired flatware before the flames consumed her custom kitchen.

New Orleans: People made a run on the local stores for necessities like canned food,toilet paper, and diapers.

So. Cal: People made a run for necessities like vintage antiques,wines,and pet treats.
New Orleans: People couldn't flee the city because of lack of transportation and money.

So. Cal: People couldn't flee the country-side because the pilots of their private planes were otherwise occupied and they couldn't transfer funds from one account to the another fast enough!

New Orleans: Thousands of evacuees huddled in the Superdome without food or water.

So. Cal: Qualcomm Stadium had cots and tents, plenty of water and a variety of foods, arts and crafts for children, crisis counseling, meditation, yoga, acupuncture, and AA meetings for adults. That's right--YOGA!?

Trick or Treat?

2007-10-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

Microsoft Entertainment Desktop 8000 Keyboard

A Wealthy Man

2007-10-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

Heidi Klum really likes men in bike shorts too! According to her side of their romantic story, she was attracted to him because of the size of his.....um... pocket book,personality or.....?

From the Oprah show: "Heidi says she fell for Seal the moment they met…and it didn't hurt that he was wearing form-fitting bicycle shorts at the time. "I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City, and he came in just from the gym. I was sitting there and I was like, 'Wow, he's a very handsome man,'" she says. "I was physically, straightaway attracted to him, and then we got talking, and I was like, 'Wow, he's such a warm and charming man.'"

Right! Charming! I really like charming guys too! Does he go, aye? Does he?

Primate Pontification

2007-10-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

My face was flushed and breathing rapid. Sweat trickled down my face and the saltiness stung my tongue. My heart raced as I excitedly reached the climax....of the hill--silly, I was hiking! It was a wonderful day for a ladies day out in the sun and wind. We embarked on a leisurely 1-2 mile hike and were in awe of the breathtaking sights such as bare-chested men running up or down the trail!

My hiking companion and I covered almost all the topics in the universe from the problems of obesity and dieting to literally the universe itself. There is something about fresh air, nature, and physical activity to bring out the philosophical side in us. I shared my recently discovered knowledge about Sumu wrestlers (that's right I watch way too much National Geographic/Discovery channel): did you know that their fat is almost all subcutaneous (under the skin) as opposed to the American visceral fat (around the organs)? She enlightened me on the powers of spicy food---cayan can be used to increase metabolism.

Inevitably, we winded our way down the path to science and religion. She had dated an anthropologist who was a devout atheist. This begged the question---Could evolution and human culture exist in conjunction with Christianity and religion or are they destined to be to separate pursuits/beliefs? She talked about the "Lucy" skull and declared that the man who found it was on staff at ASU? I was somewhat incredulous because I thought that Louis Leakey was dead and if he were alive, I didn't know that he would be on faculty staff at a university. My hopes and curiosity were piqued though. I raced home to my internet to see if he was, in fact, on staff at ASU! I was not surprised to not find him listed and then upon further research to find he was in fact deceased. I did find that he started out a christian missionary before getting distracted by a rugby concussion and evolutionary thought. He appeared to blend both theology and anthropology:

"Nothing I've ever found has contradicted the Bible. It's people with their finite minds who misread the Bible."(Wikipedia)

A man that opposed African female circumcision and apartheid, and discovered the great Jane Goodall, is alright in my book!

Witchy Woman!

2007-10-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

"Woo hoo witchy woman see how high she flies

Woo hoo witchy woman she got the moon in her eye"

October is the bewitching month it seems! For a gender that has to squat to pee, women really know how to engage in pissing contests! The way some women mark their territory and everything around them, you would think they wielded the angry penis of Thor! We had the unpleasant task of dealing with a wicked witch of epic proportions at a soccer game this weekend. We had just settled down for a pleasant afternoon at the "game" when SHE descended upon us like so many demons on a mission. She appointed herself coach and soccer official (in reality she was neither--just a parent from our OWN team) and swiftly declared that we re-locate our lawn chairs to the other side of the field. Keep in mind that this was the 4th or 5th game of the season,we had barely even met this woman before, and our coach was merrily instructing kids. You can imagine our bewilderment and predicament.

We asked the coach---"Coach, do you want us to move?". Coach replied "No, you're fine. We should wait and see if the ref has anything to say."

She noticed that our position was unwavering and a stinty gleam appeared in her eye as if to say "Are you challenging me? I AM the coach/soccer official of the universe and all I survey (I think I'm more than a parent)!" She stormed over with indignance distorting her countenance and demanded that we move. I calmly replied that Coach had indicated that we should wait and promptly began to ignore the pestering insect. She backed down momentarily to gather her strategy and cohorts.

We noticed a real soccer official walking alongside the field. She also noticed the official and immediately raced over to him in a flurry of self-righteous rage (cue Wizard of Oz witch sound track). She began to throw her minuscule tits around like they were the balls of an angry bull elephant and appeared to be pointing at us muttering something like "I'll get you my pet and your little dog, too!" We were dumbfounded and watched-- jaws agape. We couldn't believe that in the span of less than 10 or 15 minutes, adults had been reduced to kindergartners!?

Well, the official came over with a stern step and inquired if our coach had asked us to move? "No," I flatly replied. He then retorted--"Well, according to the rules........(I zoned out here) "all parents must sit on the same side--please move"!

I could smell the unpleasant musk of a smug elephant as we walked across the field. After, we were in our new subordinate position, the she-devil pranced over and informed us that she just wanted to make sure we understood the soccer rules and she didn't want "her parents" upset at her! her parents? I laughed at her and thought to myself---So, not only had we been reduced to children, we were her children now? I've met women who thrive on pissing contests and control before, but I've never been reduced to a possession? I think I may have goaded her with my indifference and smile. Those-who-would-rule hate it when you calmly smile and laugh rather than go to blows don't they?

In hindsight, I can't decide which type of woman I would rather deal with--the bull elephant who trumpets and crashes through the underbrush with force or the sneaky serpent always sublimy plotting her dominance? Since there are less of the former and she is always announcing her position, I suppose I actually prefer her outwardly/brutally honest approach.

FYI--Why me? I seem to be a target for wanna be alpha bitches (no one else--and there were plenty of parents sitting with us--was targeted by her showy assertions)!? Maybe I exude some sort of pretense of control unconsciously? I have a tendency to put my hands on my hips on occasion I suppose.....

Bondurant is not for Pussies!

2007-10-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

I'm as car illiterate as I am technology inept, but there is something about this 32-valved V8 engine that I want to know more about!

If you haven't noticed, I have a driving need for speed and the vehicles that will enable me to accomplish it! The allure of the Bondurant course is calling. I just need a few thousand spare change and some moxy and I'm in Phoenix TODAY!

Would you take a look at that beauty? Nostrils steaming like a mad dragon or magnificant Shelby Stallion! Oh, how I would ride that and pray to not get bucked off!? I bet you get to wear racing gloves and a helmet on the course and maybe even keep them for $1000 souvignors?

Filthy Poetry Review Hour

2007-10-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

Venus and Adonis by Shakespeare

Venus has captured Adonis---"Fondling, she saith, 'since I have hemmed thee here

Within the circuit of this ivory pale (her arms),

I'll be a park, and thou shalt be my deer.

Feed where thou wilt,on mountain or in dale;

Graze on my lips, and if those hills be dry,

Stray lower,where the pleasant fountains lie."

Pleasant fountains, indeed, Willy, pleasant fountains indeed!

I can even get into trouble at the seemingly innocuous center of high education and enlightenment of the Barnes and Noble bookstore! I stumbled across this naughtily hilarious book called Filthy Shakespeare while pretending to peruse the latest releases. I must have made an odd sight laughing at the raunchy poetic interpretations, but it is not entirely taboo if it is a literary great like ol' Will right? I proudly brought my find to the innocent little blonde girl at the counter and slapped down a cool $20 for some dirty literature (bummer--no pictures though)!:-)

Eunuchly Chinese

2007-10-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

Or uniquely Chinese? I thought female castration in Africa was atrocious--I can't imagine having a penis cut off (insert Bobbit joke here)! OUCH! I have more conversations about politics,religion, and the world before 6am than a lot of people (*coughs* Lindsay Lohan) have in an entire day or lifetime! I was chatting with my Ph.D. in psychology friend, Wanda, (that's right, I'm a little pretentious---I even introduce her that way--"My Ph.D. in psychology friend Wanda not to be confused with the Fish of the same name") when the topic of ancient China popped up (OK--I purposely introduced it). She recently returned from a jaunt to China and I wanted her to regale me with tales. Regale she did! She explained that the toilets in China are for squatting---not many urinals there. Why? Because the Emperial Chinese kept castrated men in their palaces to guard the concubines and NOT procreate with them. The removal of the genitals is a sure-fire way to eliminate the competition from testosterone laden lads!

I "borrowed" the above picture from a website reference about an Englishman named George Stent (during the 1880's) http://takaoclub.com/personalities/Stent/index.htm:

"In Stent's time there were around 2,000 eunuchs in the Forbidden Palace at Beijing. This number was far fewer than in earlier Ming times, as the Manchu rulers were anyway wary of the eunuchs' power but also since China had been ruled by the Empress Dowager Tzu-hsi [慈禧] on behalf of boy emperors who had little need of concubines."

The last Chinese eunuch died in 1996 at the age of 94. The following quote is from a New York times article: "In one corner of the outer square of the palace, a granite block still,, marks the spot where some of Mr. Sun's fellow eunuchs were said to have lost their "three precious," as the organs were called in court parlance of the day. Traditionally, a eunuch preserved his genitals In a jar to Insure that they would eventually be buried with him, in the belief that this would guarantee his reincarnation as a "full" man."http://acc6.its.brooklyn.cuny.edu/~phalsall/texts/eunuchs2.html. If it wasn't so sad, I could think of a bunch of one-liners about this condition:

Gollum Eunuch: We wants it, we needs it. Must have the three precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Chineses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

Perverted eunuch flashes genitals by lifting jar instead of jacket!?

Pickled penis anyone?

Frustrated eunuch can't get off---the lid that is--can't "get off" the lid.

Perverted eunuch---"Touch my penis,I mean jar, it is hard like glass not diamond"

I got nothin'

Burn Less Gas and More Calories

2007-10-15T14:24:00.001-07:00

Or emit sweat and not Carbon monoxide. I could probably come up with a lot more environmentally "catchy" phrases that promote foot or pedal power over the gas engine, but alas I will not tire you (is that "tire" pun intended?Dunno). I just stumbled across the fact that it is "Blog Action Day" where everyone is supposed to contribute posts about environmental awareness (if they are tree huggers or Al Gore fans and since I'm the former, I had to contribute)! I unwittingly helped the cause for less pollution by walking about 4 miles round trip to the park and back for a lunch/exercise/relaxation break. My daughter has the week off for fall break and we decided to venture out on a gorgeous fall day. As we mozied along our way, we talked to the animals including horses and a wonderfully playful family of yellow labs (6-7 dogs). At the park, we were disappointed to learn that the carnival was only open on weekends--no reward of deep-fried corn dogs or cotton candy for us! We did get to see a dead catfish and several little fry and lots of pollution. I suppose if we were really environmentally earnest, we would have picked up some of the bread wrappers etc. We saw the old nappy-headed, Al Sharpton duck from my earlier post and some beautiful herons like the green-backed heron pictured above.

On our return trip, we mocked the rat raced and rat faced people hurriedly scurrying along in their automobiles. We could take the time to run through the sprinklers and pick dandelions (seriously---we picked flowers--though not indigenous so it doesn't count as an environmental infraction). After getting quite tan and sweaty, we ventured back, but not without a stop at the local Chevron for some snow cones and ICEE's! To think that we helped contribute to less pollution AND were able to commune with nature AND burn calories/build muscle!

Pheromones are Different than Whore-moans

2007-10-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

"Think about strong perfume and a threesome, and what do you get?
No, try again.
The correct answer is — reproduction by an ancient type of plants called cycads." (discovery.com)

The male cycad plant secretes a sweet scent to allure little insects called thripes to its cones. The thripes happily crawl around and cover themselves in the cycad's male "essence" of pollen. Then, the temperature really heats up and the cycad produces a foul odor to drive the little guys out and towards the female plants!

This is millions of years of evolving "how to pick up female plants" or at least "sow your wild oats" at its best! Can you imagine if we were able to "bottle" this idea? Paris could sell twice her brand and make more millions if she also produced a "turn off" scent! How convenient would that be? A potent mixture of mink B.O. and dead fish oil would surely be a best seller during the holidays! The malls would have old ladies spraying it on unsuspecting passers-by and they would actually smile? It would be perfect for the bar scene---you could turn on the heat with something sweet and then switch to repulse scent if someone was not welcome! You could wear the B.O. by Paris on dark nights in allies to prevent muggings. The possibilities would be endless! What is Paris's number?

Tantra

2007-10-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

"I'm definitely not going to deny it, or confirm it. Yes, I do a lot of yoga. I'm not an expert on tantra, but it's about trying to establish everyday normal things like walking, eating and making love with an element of the sacred."(Askmen.com 2004)

More fun facts:

Pubococcygeal says what? http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/tantric/tantricsex.html

Where's Dr. Ruth?: http://www.tantra.com/

Read About it: http://hinduism.about.com/od/tantra/Tantra.htm

Phantom Maneuvers in the Dark

2007-10-10T06:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not talking about one of your high school dates, but about my recent fascination with dogfights (not the Michael Vick kind, but the areal feats of years past!) and flying in general. A friend of mine recently told me that a woman shouldn't want to know about fighting military aircraft. Should I start looking for chest hair and a voice change now?JK!

I know people who have dreamed of flying since they were little children. They would jump off the furniture in their homes using blankets for "wings". I witnessed quite a few air shows growing up and enjoyed watching the Blue Angels and Thunderbird stunt teams,I was subjected to hours of John Wayne war movies including the "Fighting Tigers", and who didn't get a thrill from "Top Gun"? I became earnestly interested in flight in college. Okay, it wasn't even so much flight that interested me during college, but you guessed it-- the feminine power mystique. I wrote a paper about the W.A.S.Ps (Women Air Force Service Pilots) of WWII and became intrigued by the pioneering spirit of female pilots (you wanna know more?-http://www.womenofcourage.com/).

Recently, I have been glued to the History Channel's dissection of famous dogfights and aces. I was amazed to learn that the Japanese built fragile, yet very maneuverable flying machines called the zero in WWII. Americans had emphasized substance,practicality, and speed in their engineering with the Warhawk. In the Vietnam dogfight series,I also learned the definitions of S.A.M. (surface to air missile) and A.A.A (anti-aircraft artillery--not alcoholic AAA). You see, I wasn't handed a glossary of aircraft and weapon definitions when the Dr. slapped me on the ass after birth. Girls miss out on "The Dangerous Book for Boys" that is handed out with blue cigars in the baby boys' rooms!

Why dogfights? There is something extremely primitive and guttural about one-on-one combat and being able to see your enemy at close range. It personalizes battle and makes you think twice before inflicting mortal wounds. Many pilots (not necessarily the Japanese) would try to just shoot the plane down instead of killing the enemy directly in most instances. It begs the question---Does advanced technology really make for a superior method of warfare? It impersonalizes the situation with distance, so the chance of mass,unfeeling carnage is much more accessible. I guess I am an idealist as far as warfare and weaponry are concerned--the more primitive the implements and the more direct the contact--the more thought and empathy are involved and the less cold/mechanized battle becomes! Both sides usually want truce much faster when you have to actually see the fear, pleading, and cold chill of death in your opponents eyes!

Some other people that embody flying and ingenuity:

Richard Branson: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Branson

Svetlana Kapanina: http://www.patricksaviation.com/videos/Ryzg/418/

Amy Johnson: http://movies.msn.com/movies/movie.aspx?m=57836

“...now and then women should do for them-
selves what men have already done... and occasionally
what men have not done...thereby establishing them-
selves as persons, and perhaps encouraging other women
toward greater independence of thought and action.”--Amelia Earhart http://www.ameliaearhart.com/about/quotes.html

Ignorance is Bliss?

2007-10-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

McDonald's Worker Wins Strip-Search Suit (http://www.usatoday.com/news/topstories/2007-10-05-190596317_x.htm)

I don't know who is more ignorant: the plaintiff who performed sexual acts because someone told her to over the phone and then was awarded with 6.1 million dollars or her masculine-looking attorney who is very old with the name Ann Oldfather!? Ann Oldfather? Is that from a Bart Simpson phone prank? "Can I speak to an old father? Paging ann oldfather, are you an old father?" If I was that lawyer, I would change my name immediately to Sue Pantsoff! Get it? Sue Pantsoff?

Shut up and Drive!

2007-10-05T09:31:00.001-07:00

"Goes from 0 to 60 in three point five

Baby you got the keys-Now shut up and drive(drive, drive, drive)

Shut up and drive(drive, drive, drive)"

Not too Hard on the Eyes

2007-10-03T17:21:00.001-07:00

Me vs. Jenna Fischer

2007-10-03T17:01:00.000-07:00

No, not in a topless mud wrestling match silly! But in the ways we are very similar!

Things we have in common

1. Same approximate age

2. Same approximate height

3. Lots of long curly locks

4. Deep set eyes

5. Demure demeanor

6. Small thinnish lips

7. "Considered becoming a veterinarian due to her love for animals;" ultimately opted for being the proud owner of 2 dogs and 2 cats

8. "Has one sibling -a younger sister"

9. "Eerily connected to "Jims" in her life" Uncle Jim and Jimbo? I don't know Jim Halpert though?

One major difference?

1. The only red carpet I've seen was when I blew red koolaid out my nose in a laughing fit when I was a kid at my aunt's house?

Nice Rack!

2007-10-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

On a recent camping trip, Earl Grey heard the call of nature (not the Call of the Wild run with the wolves and eat raw meat kind of nature call, but the gotta pee on a tree feeling). So, at about 6am we stumbled out and into the glorious woodsy morning! We were walking along and Earl Grey was hurriedly marking every tree and shrub when I noticed some movement in the trees. I spotted 3 bucks, not the three bucks that will get you a tall latte, but 3 bucks with antlers! They were very habituated to people and let most of the campers walk up within a few feet. If I was a huntress, I would look at those antlers with a gleem in my eye, but alas I'm a tame white suburban treehugger remember? BUT if I was a huntress, my weapon of choice would be the bow and arrow from Cabela's (http://www.cabelas.com/cabelas/en/templates/home/doorway-home.jsp?vendor=door_deer091407.jsp&cm_re=home092807*body*deer_hunting&cmCat=home)---it seems a more primitive and romantic weapon than an intrusive blow your brains out bazooka or rifle with buckshot! Then being the prudent biologist wanna be that I am, I would choose the stag with the least potential as my prey! My main problem with hunting is not so much the needless slaying of nature's beasts or the nasty taste of wild venison, but that we are culling the prime specimens from the herd. When we cull the best of the best---who is left to procreate---Bambi's retarded cousin Jeffthrow that's who?!

TGIF

2007-09-28T11:35:00.001-07:00

Occupations that may involve soiled clothing and appendages

2007-09-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

I am pondering calling Mike Rowe for an idea about a dirty job.......

Cuz they are going to have to remove the stuff I wrote about Mike from the wall (ASAP)--it may have involved illustrations and profanity!

Evasive Traffic Patterns

2007-09-25T14:52:00.000-07:00

Or not so evasive?

Listen, if I take a break from blasting "Nine Inch Nails" on the radio and exceeding the speed limit to create a gap in traffic the size of Texas for you---Man up and find the hole!! If a car is an extension of your manhood, then don't make me pissed off or sorry for you by driving through life politely waiting for a sign from the almighty, inquiring for grey poupon mustard, and adjusting your stuffed animals (this really happened today--no lie. I just like to share. I have the heart the SIZE of Texas)!

Savvy Business

2007-09-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever left an "In n Out Burger" in a bad mood? It is impossible. When you pull up to the drive through it is like you have been transported back in time to the hey day of the '50's and you expect to see June Cleaver pouring lemonade! I have been in the foulest of moods (I know it is hard to imagine) before visiting the In N Out and I immediately turn my frown upside down when the chipper boy (probably named "Chip") inquires in an intelligible manner if I would like the protein style (burger,people,burger!). The CEO of this franchise must be almost as genius as the gene testing gurus for essentially ripping off Disney's masterpiece of a business model. Here is an amazing concept: Hire fresh faced kids that speak English fluently,put them in the smart,starched collars,comb their hair,slap a cute cap on their head,and a smile on their face! Of course politeness always sends you into a blissful reverie of years gone by: "Please pull forward, How are you?,Thank you,have a nice day" (the whole "mam" part I do without, but other than that, politeness will get you far)! We could all use a little inspiration from the self-perpetuating genius that is Disney:

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” - Walt Disney

Nocturnal Amphibious Mission

2007-09-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

Would you look at that beauty?

I almost squished her with my car a few weeks ago when I found her in my driveway. I say "her" because she was huge (about 5-6 inches long and 3-4 inches wide) and the sexual dimorphism in most amphibians and reptiles is size. She tried to scamper away, but I immediately scooped her up! She bloated and pissed all over me not unlike the way Rosie O'Donnell must respond to Trump! Being the treehugger that I am, it was my mission to calmly defy her protest and take her out to the "wild" subdivision culvert (cue "Born Free" soundtrack).

Then.....

This weekend I found my dogs, Earl Grey and Muffin Top "playing" with something in the backyard! It was a smaller version of the whopper I had found previously, so I can assume that it was a charming little male out to get his "shorty". He was thinking to Muffin Top---"Shorty what's your sign?" But she, being the bitch that she is, just kept yapping and attempting to puncture him with her canines! I separated the two just in time. I knew the perfect girl for him! I gave him to my daughter to release in the same culvert because she has to learn to handle a few toads before she can find her prince.

Bug A Boo

2007-09-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

Posers be buggin me!

Avian Deceit!

2007-09-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

Why does size matter?

"The Cardinals cut veteran center Nick Leckey (60) on Tuesday.
In a move not unexpected, the Cardinals released center Nick Leckey Tuesday.
The team filled the roster spot by re-signing linebacker Brandon Johnson, who had been cut when the Cards signed new center Chukky Okobi last week.
Leckey’s roster spot had grown tenuous as undrafted rookie Lyle Sendlein ascended the depth chart to back up starter Al Johnson.
Al Johnson sprained a knee in the season opener and the Cards decided to sign Okobi, a free agent who had played for offensive line coach Russ Grimm and coach Ken Whisenhunt in Pittsburgh.
Okobi’s arrival made for four centers on the roster, too large a number for the long-term.
Leckey had been battling a knee sprain suffered in the preseason, but he was healthy Sunday against Seattle and was still declared inactive. Okobi, who was dressed but did not play against Seattle, was Sendlein’s backup in the game.
Leckey started 11 games in 2006 and nine in 2005 after being drafted in the sixth round out of Kansas State in 2004. He outplayed the fourth-round selection that season, one-time starter Alex Stepanovich.
But the Cardinals, seeking someone with more size than the 6-foot-3, 290-pound Leckey, picked up Al Johnson as a free agent with a four-year, $17.5 million contract. Then Sendlein impressed the coaches throughout the offseason and training camp.
Leckey’s salary was also $1.3 million, a hefty amount for a reserve who was going to be a long shot to be active on Sundays.
Al Johnson is expected to miss at least one more game (http://www.azcardinals.com/news/detail.php?PRKey=1922)."

Remember when sports used to be based on athletic prowess and skill? Now you have to be a fucking sumo wrestler/steam roller to play "football". Does anyone wonder why these super-sized athletes keep injuring themselves and pulling their muscles? Maybe we need to get back to basics and focus on increasing the maneuverability,safety,and SPORT of football instead of watching a bunch of way-too-tight ends bouncing off each other like Godzillas in a pinball machine! We will miss you cutie Nicky!

Shake a tail feather kids!

2007-09-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

I was watching an MTV video, which oft' happens when teenagers inhabit your abode (actually it was my idea). We came across this video called "Misery Business" by Paramore. My daughter looked at me and said she looks like you mom with the long curly hair and attitude--were you like that in high school?! After LMFAO, I assured her that while I had a spell of being a "bully" in 6th grade and I did lavish on the makeup in the past (eye liner fills in too many creases after age 30!) I was actually not part of the popular/whorie (its a word right?) crowd! I do like the title of the song though--business can be some fierce misery!

I was more like the culmination of all the characters in the Breakfast Club:

Virginal with big hair like "Clare" (my hair AND eyeliner looked exactly like that my freshman year!). Irrelevant fact: she posed nude: http://www.thephatphree.com/_photos/napalm101/30Malicious.jpg

Good grades like "Brian"--Honors classes,Academic olympics (I even had a letter on my jacket for academics) Honors Society,Honors orchestra,honors etc.etc.!TOTAL NERD! No wonder I never got any action (well actually it may not have been so much the nerd thing as the whole related to a cop with a gun cabinet at the front door thing)!

Introverted artistic girl? That's me (seriously--I'm really artistic)!

I fancied myself a jock. I played some mean tennis and even beat some of the uppity private school beotches!, but I mostly just kept the bench warm and kept track of stats for the softball team (I still lettered in Varsity softball though-I think they felt sorry for a senior bench warmer)!

Who didn't have verbally abusive parents?

Rough n' ready!

2007-09-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

SEX With a Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goalsfor her trip to the Lone Star State ;1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que. 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!""And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes... those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

Political 2 cents

2007-09-17T06:46:00.000-07:00

Mitt Romney recently boasted that his first lady is more attractive than Bill Clinton. That may be, but Bill is better in bed and has more experience. I always vote for the first lady with the most to offer her country!And what is up with that stereotypical coining of the president's spouse as the "first lady"? The feminazi in me (not really--I'm not a lesbo) wants something more pc like the President's spousal figure head or the President's Pardner (hehe)!

I wonder if Hilary will soar in popularity if she engages in a little coitus in the oval office. Do you think that if she started wearing plunging necklines and bopping young interns she would become a red-blooded hero? Something tells me she would be run out of town on the first trollop trolley! Oh, well---it would be worth it and she would definitely be remembered for being the 1st 1st Lady to become president and act like one!

Seriously, I think about pulling the bitch card and voting for Hilary just because she is a chick and I like the ring of "Lady President". However, the knee-deep into business part of me doesn't want my pants taxed off (pulled off hastily in a moment of passion--maybe, but taxed off--never)! Something tells me that if she gets elected we will all become part of the village that raises Madonna's child (popstar--not the religious icon)!

Kamishibai

2007-09-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, society and parents guided their children with rules and consequences. Their hope was that even though they may not be the most popular parents in the world, maybe their offspring would still be productive members of society. Parents would admonish their young apprentices when errors in judgement were made and even people in public wouldn't hesitate to stop inappropriate behavior of adolescents. Society as a whole did not want anarchy and lawlessness dominating life and preventing communities from functioning safely and productively!

But, let us examine society in the year 2007 and a middle class family with a pre-pubescent boy. The boy, like most young people, felt the need to challenge society and boundaries on occasion. He would do things like draw pornography on school work and turn it in to the teacher or pilfer the occasional candy bar. Once he had been caught spray painting nonsense on the local sidewalk. The mother and father felt that treating this child as an adult was the best policy for discipline and they discussed his errors in judgement at length. They wanted to empathize with him and be his best friends and confidants. Why use discipline when he obviously is acquiring the body of a young man, he must have an adult mind already that can be reasoned with?? Drugs like Ritalin will help his behavior and jumpstart his drug habit right?"We are your peers young man" they would consistently demonstrate to him. "We can't control what you do and chose not to participate in guiding you down the right path of behavior. "We will give you free reign to roam the streets and learn about what life has to offer through your own means"!

"Good luck son"

One night, the parents went out on the town. They had very important business to attend to and did not feel the need to make sure that their headstrong son was involved in some community hobbies like sports,school work,religion,pets (have you noticed that kids prefer cold electronic comfort to the friendly furry type?),reading,mentoring etc...... Well, the young man was so grateful for this lapse in judgement that he gathered a bunch of his friends together with air guns and promptly, yet stealthily went on a rampage throughout the local community. They gleefully blew out the windows of several businesses and were even generous enough to pick some panes larger than others. In one night, they cost local business owners $1000's of dollars,copious amounts of valuable time, and grief (that the businesses probably would have preferred to spend on their own adolescent children)! A misguided young man is loose on the streets and the community is SHATTERED!!

Many wearing rapiers are afraid of Goosequills

2007-09-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

....Said Rosencrantz in Hamlet.

The Greek Euripides had another, racier version: " The tongue is mightier than the blade"--Ahh yes.

Is there a modern counterpart? The keyboard punches harder than Muhamad Ali?

I have unwittingly stumbled across a marvelous social experiment that began with a vengeful birthday present to myself and has culminated in a healthy respect for the written word. With the tap of a finger, strange and hurtful things can emanate like "blog fucking" and sex with strangers. Terms of endearment that used to be the sole property of cherished ones become Internet folly and people's innermost thoughts are flaunted for all to see! Men hide behind women's aliases and vise verse. The most subdued house mouse becomes a raging predatory tiger. Where is the truth and how can a fantasy world hurt almost as much as reality?

I have to admit I have grown attached to my evolved persona and will own it forever, but I will temper it with my true self and I will never forget how or why it came into being!

Pensive and Poignant

2007-09-14T12:18:00.000-07:00

Tell me something........

Big Sky Country

2007-09-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

I was perusing images for ideas for a tramp stamp/cum catcher tattoo, and I came across a great website http://www.igallopon.com/ that reminded me of how much I love living in wide open spaces and how much I miss having a horse. I also found a great image for a tattoo on the small o' the back--a combo of celtic and cowgirl (can you imagine how much this design would cost and how long it would take?):

I had a little quarter horse growing up. He was a sorrel with a half moon crescent on his forehead and enough attitude and spunk to keep you guessing! I would almost always ride bareback with my hair loose and crazy (See my post "July 31st")! Western saddles are heavy and cumbersome when you just want to go! Who wants to put on the formal boots and a hat when you can just hop on with barefeet and a pair of shorts?We had many adventures together including long cattle drives (LONG cattle drives up to 10 hours in a day--see post July 12th) and trying out for the rodeo flag girl team (chickened out of the rodeo when my horse's skittishness threatened to put us both in the railing)!

I miss my AQHA *sigh*

RU trying to get into MY genes?

2007-09-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

Aside--I can never have a personalized licensed plate because I'm too wordy and not pretentious enough.

While I was flitting around in my "Errand Girl" costume (that's right I chose to reveal my secret identity to you---shhhh), I landed on a little mag called "Business 2.0" and my attention was drawn to a new breakthrough in biotechnology--the nanosphere (no not your boyfriend's penis) http://money.cnn.com/magazines/business2/business2_archive/2007/06/01/100050970/index.htm

Now, I would still prefer a gold band ring as a gift (white gold is all the rage currently I guess) with little celtic designs and a penchant for enchantment. But, I have to admit that it is very impressive that they are now using small amounts of gold to diagnose disease in a fraction of the time that it used to take (less time is better for science,but not sex aye?) and at a fraction of the cost!

POLYDACTYL PUSSIES & MATADORS

2007-09-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

While Ernest Hemingway was a permanent fixture of English/literature classes throughout my high school and college experience, I didn't really get a sense of his tragic and misogynistic persona until the movie "Love and War"(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116621/). He was a very intense man with a alot of pain and inner turmoil which made his writing real and "ernest"---get it? I made a joke there. He was fascinated by death and danger to the point that he tried his hand at bullfighting and even wrote a nonfiction piece about it called "Death in the Afternoon" (okay--while I knew of his references to bullfighting, I had to look the title up on the immediate gratification source I like to call the "world wide web"). His soul speaks to most men on various levels:

“It must be hard to be a man,” she says.
“Yes,” replies Hemingway; “very few survive it. ”

His short stories about matadors and romantic European interludes are insightful and adventurous, but his name has more pronounced meaning for me because of the biological connection of his furry friends. The descendants of his first 6 toed cat have been passing on the recessive polydactyl trait for years and biologists have been interested in studying the gene. Some scientists have discovered that there are two specific genes that interact to form the extra digits. Sonic hedgehog isn't just a video game: http://www.mc.vanderbilt.edu/reporter/index.html?ID=2227

Nature will find a way, I always say (or rip off from a Michael Creighton movie)!

Nancy Drew

2007-09-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

Nancy Drew is a character that I can get into!

If Earl Grey had The Bloodhound's larger than normal nasal chambers[Wikepedia] and the large and long pendent ears to serve to prevent wind from scattering nearby skin cells while the dog's nose is on the ground[Wikepedia], he could be my brave partner in solving crime (maybe I'll type "Larger" one more time!)!

Earl Grey's generic dog jowels can't compare to the folds of wrinkled flesh (not that "wrinkled flesh"--pervs!) under the bloodhound's lips and neck, called the shawl, that serve to catch stray scent particles in the air or on a nearby branch as the bloodhound is scenting, reinforcing the scent in the dog's memory and nose.

However, Earl Grey is still a dog and dogs have as much as 40, 000,000 olfactory chemoreceptors per square centimeter compared to our puny human amount of 10,000 (http://www.ndri.com/).

He could hunt those bitches down! WOOF (http://youtube.com/watch?v=He82NBjJqf8&mode=related&search=)!

The above picture shows a "mick" playing for the wrong side during WWI, but it shows that ol' Irish Wolfhounds can be of tremendous service to any country/person in need!

Nancy's uptight,school-girl,preppy collars are a little much and who has a name like Nancy? Anything that ends in "y" is a little too fem/sissy for me! I would prefer a look and name that connote hot (though not as dated) like:

Animation Masterpiece!

2007-09-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

While one of the main characters, Z...zzzzzzzz, was a bit of a snooze in "Surf's Up", the animation and cinematography were very sophisticated! When you find yourself starting to focus on little details like how realistic the beach sand looks, you know the movie is a blockbuster hit!The feathers on the penguin characters were very life-like the way they shimmered in the "light" and waved in the breeze. The ocean waves made you feel like you were there! The camera angles and documentaryesque feel were very refreshing and new for an animation.

While I marveled at how far we have come since the "claymation" days, the only emotions the movie left me with were a yearning for a beach vacation and a desire to at least learn how to skateboard!

Technical sophistication: 5 stars

Entertainment value of script,acting,character development: Was there a script (did Beyonce's choreographer write this one?)?

If you want the real low-down on the genesis of skateboarding,I recommend viewing the real "Z-boys" of Dogtown instead: http://imdb.com/title/tt0355702/.

Jack and the Beanstalk

2007-09-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you're a tiny, little entity trying to clamour up a huge beanstalk (I have penis envy)? I feel like I've been climbing so long and too far while debris cascades past my desperate eyes and the jolly giants just laugh merrily at my plight. I'm not necessarily striving to surpass the "glass ceiling", but more the bizarre American caste system of inherited wealth,social networking, and fuck buddies.

Do you want to see something REALLY HILARIOUS? Really fucking funny shit (I guess if they would've put a hot chick in a dress suit as the "businessman" the viewer would think she was the admin assistant?):

http://youtube.com/watch?v=X1c0tx_mvOo&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VUhHl2TG4vs&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4lqfnd4AM4s&mode=related&search=

I need some serious distraction before I start listening to Avril Laveen (I AM the motherfucking princess http://youtube.com/watch?v=MV4w4hudgio!) and hit the tattoo parlor for that fetching "cum catcher" I've always wanted or grab a giant bucket o' popcorn and a Big Gulp and make myself comfortable!

Big girls don't cry eh Fergie?

Kyphotic Dowager

2007-09-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

That's right---Give me some espresso and I'm unstoppable with the posts! On my lunch break I made some interesting observations and I came to a conclusion about a lot of office-worker types. Kyphotic Dowager is not the new character in a Quinten Tarantino movie, but what happens to people who don't exercise (an abnormally increased convexity in the curvature of the thoracic spine as viewed from the side, such thoracic kyphosis is due to vertebral collapse frequently seen in the elderly women. This occurs due to collapse/compression of several bones in the spine as a result of osteoporosis. There is a simultaneous loss of height and back pain)!

Hit the gym people!

Activia Sample

2007-09-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

Did you know that specialists at Dannon® selected Bifidus Regularis™ for Activia® because it survives passage through the digestive tract, arriving in the colon as a living culture. Once there, it plays a beneficial role in your intestinal ecosystem? I learned that recently when I shopped and sampled at the local Sam's club.
I also experienced an intense ogling by a young, pup of a Mexican guy (not more than 25-years-old). My shorts must've been extra tight and my hair extra big today or I had a sign that said "kick me" on my back or toilet paper stuck to my shoe (I'm not sure which)! He didn't stop staring until I was clearly out o' range which is somewhat flattering and yet creepy considering I'm positive that I'm at least 10 years his senior. The standard white guy's strategy for sneaking a "peek" in public is much more subtle. They surreptitiously give a covert glance in your direction and then pretend to adjust their glasses,book,wallet,random merchandise,fill-in-the-blank object. The black guys are the most overt of all, they look right at the hot spot first, then travel down or up from there and you're pretty sure they have violated you in at least a hundred different ways in the time span it takes you to walk across the room.
I must look like a pretty non-threatening,safe suburb rat because all the old folks approach me for advice/directions. I had a sweet old lady inquire as to whether I lived "around here" and then asked for directions to Office Max. Maybe she thought that I was a powerful business mogul who would know where important printing/copying can be done, and well, she would be correct! I hope I wowed her with my extensive knowledge of local business and directions. I threw in a couple "Wests" and "Norths" here and there to make myself seem even more esteemed. I noticed the old lady's "old man" a few seconds into the conversation and figured they sent the wife in for directions for fear he might seem too geezerly (if it wasn't a word, it is now--you'll use it tomorrow, you'll see). I think I glimpsed the manager of the Sam's club running towards me with a job application for store greeter and all-around-safe-white-girl job, but alas I must have just slipped out of her very short-haired and manly attired grasp!

Quirky Pics

2007-09-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

August Hotties

2007-09-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

Cowgirl Up!

2007-08-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Have a great Labor Day weekend!

Kiss my Ass, its Irish!

2007-08-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

Construction/contracting consultants are big fat money grubbing Asshats and whores! They have a license to steal!

#1Asshat: C'mon, throw in a buck or a few thousand!

PinkCowgirl: Uh-uh, I don't tip.

#1Asshat: You don't tip?

PinkCowgirl: Nah, I don't believe in it.

#1Asshat: You don't believe in tipping?

Overpricedconsultantfoddling his junk: You know what these guys make? They make shit.

PinkCowgirl: Don't give me that. He don't make enough money then He can quit.

#1Asshat: I don't even know a fucking Jew who'd have the balls to say that. Let me get this straight: you don't ever tip?

PinkCowgirl: I don't tip because society says I have to. All right, if someone deserves a tip, if they really put forth an effort, I'll give them something a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, it's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doing their job.

Overpricedconsultantfoddlinghis junk: Hey, our guy was nice.

PinkCowgirl: He was okay. He wasn't anything special.

Overpricedconsultantfoddling hisjunk: What's special? Take you in the back and suck your dick? #1Asshat: I'd go over twelve percent for that.

PinkCowgirl ad libing: Fuck 'em. Give 'em a dollar!

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

2007-08-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

"Breaking the law, breaking the lawBreaking the law, breaking the lawBreaking the law, breaking the lawBreaking the law, breaking the law"

I'm an outlaw. It was a beautiful, full moon evening and I was driving along a long, lazy country lane. You know the type of country road---with cottonwoods,the occasional tumbleweed, and jack rabbit or road runner. The smell of alfalfa filtered in through my nostrils and the music blared as I hit a cruising speed of 50mph. Apparently, going twice the speed limit is bad. I realized this as the photo flash went off on the Sheriff's speed radar van! I was astonished and taken aback! When was the last time I was CAUGHT speeding?

Cue "Wayne's World" theme music:

1991

I was about 18-years-old and I was driving the best car ever: my 1976 5-speed Toyota Celica GT coupe!It was my first car and what a blast to learn how to drive a 5-speed,stick shift while all the other powder puff girls were driving their mom's automatics. I loved that baby and I'm surprised I didn't name it and/or have some sad eulogy when we sold 'er for parts! I was going about 75/80mph on the freeway back when 55mph was the standard. I was about to make it to my exit--Scott-free, then I saw the lights. The Highway Patrol pulled me over. I started to cry, not because I was trying to use my feminine wiles (I was only 18) or because I was scared, but because I knew my parents would be pissed! It almost worked on the soft/cute officer, but he decided to teach me a lesson and give me a ticket. He had seen way too many accidents---yada yada yada! I was astonished and taken aback at that moment too because not unlike Michael Vick,Nicole Ritchie,insert random celebrity name here I had some immunity because of my links to the police force. Having an officer related to you is like a "get out o' jail" free card and a blessing for an adolescent with a license. There were a few times previous to the highway incident, when I was let go with a gentle chiding (I don't know if that is a word---but it works).

I broke the law two other times today too: I blew off jury duty (that's right I could potentially be federal jail bait if I were still 18) AND I parked in a space that was clearly labeled for "small or electric cars only"!

If I can't have my Mercedes SL550, or a 350Z, I would love to have a sporty little Celica GT again!

Venationes & Damnati

2007-08-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

Hot off the press (MTV:http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1567865/20070824/dmx.jhtml): "DMX's Arizona Home Raided; A Dozen Pit Bulls Removed From Residence
Police also discovered weapons cache; no charges have been filed against rapper. "

"Deputies with the Maricopa County sheriff's office raided the Cave Creek, Arizona, home of rapper DMX on Friday morning (August 24), and according to a police spokesperson, 12 pit bulls were removed from the residence, all in bad condition. Police would not get into specifics but did say the animals are being tended to by veterinarians. "

What gives? Now, I know that this sport of blood lust has been going on for probably thousands of years before Micheal Vick. If it wasn't pit bulls, it was cocks,bears,people,cats,tigers,lions--oh my http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gladiator! Maybe the current publicity will get people to act more civilized and less barbaric?

You can take the gangsta out o' the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out o' the gangsta! They collect more pit bulls and illegal,cop-killer weapons than suburban soccer moms collect designer bags and botox injections! Modern gangsta thugs are the set up for the perfect American Express commercial:

Hennessy in a pimp chalice,iced finger and bling,nasty-ass ho's,chronic,pit bulls,firearms, AND getting the NAACP to back your ass/career, PRICELESS!

If my dog, Earl Grey wasn't so refined and neutered, I would be tempted to start something similar in suburbia. After a quaint Pampered Chef,Mary Kay,Arbonne,Avon(you thought that died with the 80's didn't you?),Creative Memories, Cookie Lee,or fill-in-the-blank pyramid scheme, the hostess could pile all of her earnings in a cash pot for the real games! Let the Sangria flow in your Tuscany influenced glass as you bet on Betty's Standard Poodle "Lacey" vs my bad ass mother fucker Irish Wolfhound! Of course, we would obliterate those BITCHES and I would end up with a brand new pink Escalade. They would be lining up their pampered poodles around the block for a chance to do it doggy-style with Earl the Dominator! I would charge a minimum of $2,000 just for a chance to lock uglies with my stud and then I would sell the little G's for more G's!Are you skar'd? YOU should be!

On a serious note:

Listen up low-class America! What does it feel like to be put in bondage for profit,tortured,starved,and hanged?

I don't advocate killing or torturing animals for any reason, but I also do not advocate keeping POTENTIALLY vicious animals as pets either: This is just ONE online testimony against keeping pit bulls as pets (there are numerous references): http://www.stoppitbullattacks.com/

If you can't get enough of the blood lust, why don't we put Michael Vick or DMX in with one of their killers. Now, that would be an event the Greek gladiators would be proud of!

Jumped the Shark!

2007-08-24T08:48:00.001-07:00

I'm 90% sure that I heard this statement on a commercial on the radio the other morning: "I'm John Bunnell and I encourage you to try (fill in the blank radio). Head down to Best Buy today!"

WTF? He was losing some street cred when he went from Sheriff to host of realty t.v. cop shows. I'm sure the other cops were taunting him and calling him Pussy among other epitephs during the 90's.

Then he went from host of Cops to cameos in movies like "Bad Santa"---another couple of notches down in street cred.

Now a commercial?Come on! I've lost all respect for him now! I'm sure that the police (technically I guess the Sheriff's dept. isn't police) AND the bad guys are looking for him so they can beat him up and take the rest of his dignity!

Although--I know another retired guy from the force (the real police force--not those Sheriff posers) and he now has mountain-man,Ted Kazinsky facial hair,

Mickey-mouse,Hawaiian shirts,

and "Jesus" shoes (Birkenstock-type sandals)!

Wow! Being a law enforcer (that is a word--look it up) must tweak your mind!

This is why IT guys are hot!

2007-08-23T11:25:00.001-07:00

1) They know the binary code for *69*
2) They know how many bytes are in a GB (I knew this morning, but then forgot? 1million something....?)
3)They are so well-endowed that they don't need to drive a manly truck with balls. In fact, they are probably driving a tiny,skate of a car like a Ford Festiva!
4)They drive hard, I mean they can install a hard drive
5)Their lovin's so hot it burns...CD's!
6)They are probably WAAYYY more into their computers than sports, so no need to worry about your weekends being monopolized by the current pro sport team (especially MLS).
7)They generally abhor fitness and weight training, so there's more energy,time, and man for you!

Inadequate Baller

2007-08-23T08:46:00.001-07:00

"I wish I was little bit taller,I wish I was a ballerI wish I had a girl who looked goodI would call herI wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala"

Beckham is hot off the field I'll give him that, but he is muy feo on the field! He couldn't even beat---his meat if it was right in front of him. He's shooting blanks-- into the goal,He can't find the hole---I mean net......um I can keep thinking of sexual analogies,but I'll stop!

Why are we paying one piddly little man so much dinero when the women would be so much more fun to watch AND play better? Suckers! Knowing American sports fans, they will probably pay some hobo off the street before they'll acknowledge that women's sports exist, but at least the hobo would probably be MORE entertaining and cost less than Beckham!

I can kick Beckham's ass and block his balls!

Delectable Nuttiness!

2007-08-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

No---That isn't some sort of slang term for a stripper! Come on! You guys are always in the gutter!

Fluffernutter Sammich!

Prep: 5 min, Cook: 5 min.
4 slices white bread, lightly toasted
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup marshmallow creme
1/4 cup chocolate topping

Turn on broiler. Spread peanut butter on one side of each slice of bread. Dot with marshmallow creme. Broil 1-2 minutes until marshmallow is crusty and golden brown. Serve drizzled with chocolate topping.

Per serving: calories 412, fat 22.2g, 45% calories from fat, cholesterol 3mg, protein 12.4g, carbohydrates 49.8g, fiber 2.2g, sugar 28.0g, sodium 386mg, diet points 10.2.Dietary Exchanges: Milk: 0.0, Vegetable: 0.0, Fruit: 0.0, Bread: 1.1, Lean meat: 0.8, Fat: 3.6, Sugar: 1.8, Very lean meat protein: 0.0

Stocked at the Fishmarket?

2007-08-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

Something smells fishy?!WTF*#*))%

Free Willy!

2007-08-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

I was going to post a picture of Val Kilmer on my school-girl,six pack,hottie side o' the blog and boast that he is waaayyyy hotter than Tom Cruise. But then I found this picture of a beached whale instead (I think he just swallowed a six pack):

Wonder Woman will kick your ass!

2007-08-20T13:03:00.001-07:00

Fake character real boobs?

80's Cliche

2007-08-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

As I rocked out to Depeche Mode the other day, I came to the sad realization that I'm an 80's cliche. Not in the slightly obese,owns 3-4 cats,dresses in bright florals,dangles New Orleans beads from the rear view mirror,Garfield cat hanging from the car door window,paw prints on the back of my car, pet charity license plate sort of way. BUT, in the following ways:

I DID own an extensive "My little pony" collection, although none quite so edgy as my friend "pimp pony" above!

I am the original "HOLLY HOBBIE" collector. We even made Holly Hobbie cookies from her recipe book for Christmas and I now have to go to ANTIQUE stores to find her! ANTIQUE stores people (*sob*)

I still call flip flops THONGS!

I went to a Depeche Mode concert less than a year ago!

My hair is naturally still BIG and in your face!

I just recently gave up the ankle slouch socks for the more trendy ped-like socks!

I resist the urge to fill my wardrobe with polka dots, fuscia, leg warmers,floral prints, and stretch pants (most of the time)!

I would still do JAZZERCISE to this day if it wasn't such an obscure, 60's + crowd now!

I liked the Police and Sting equally well!

We did choreographed masterpieces to MC HAMMER in my drill team class in high school!

I can't get enough of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince or the artist formerly known as Prince who is now Prince again?

I say AWESOME at least once a week if not once a day!

Top Gun and Jaws are a couple of my favorite movies and I still have a huge crush on Mel Gibson and his films (even though he is an eccentric,entire island owning,fanatical catholic,antisemitic--at least he's honest and not some pc milquetoast conformist)

I miss the BONGO line o' jeans and bright plastic watches!

I DID own the entire Garfield book series

I OWNED an Atari and played KABOOM incessantly!

Did I mention I had a stuffed unicorn the size of Earl Grey?

At one point, I had a Pegasus mural painted on my bedroom wall---that's right--I said Pegasus (complete with pastel colored rainbow and wistful clouds).

Can't forget LINDA CARTER! I never missed an episode of WONDER WOMAN and even dressed up like her for Halloween including a bad,fake,black wig!She had the rojo mojo going on! Check out those red boots!

@)(#%)@^)%(#

2007-08-17T07:47:00.001-07:00

A Chinese couple wants to name their child @. That's right: @. In a country where you are only legally allowed one child, they pick a computer text symbol? Now, if they are wealthy they COULD just pay fees and have more offspring.
Then if they have a boy, they can call him "Hotmail" (get it?)! A girl named "." and another child named "Com". I can hear them yelling at the kids to come in from outside: " getinhere@hotmail.com!" getinhere@hotmail.com!
There would be lots of confusion. Can you imagine? I'm meeting @. Where are you meeting @? @ isn't here!
It would be one of the simplest ways to sign your name. Even brain-dead, inmates could replace the typical "X" with "@" or "#".
I couldn't indicate excessive swearing with @(##&@(!!! anymore! People would think I'm just randomly texting their names!
If your LAST name was a character and you got married to another character, you could avoid the cumbersome, hyphenated last name syndrome by just using Jane @-# or maybe your spouse is just -. How simple is that? Jane @-. I like it! But where do the characters end? For instance, Jane @-. the "." indicates yet another name!

Rojo Mojo

2007-08-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

Unlike everyone else, I had to actually wait until I was 17 to see a rated R movie and "Pretty Woman" was it! I know its sad--you can lament now.

Ladies---if you want to increase the odds of getting laid, add some or all the red accessories:

1)Red finger nails---shiny and candy apple must remind guys of sports cars because they get all randy when they see them!

2)Red lipstick or lip gloss--You know why the mouth is such an erogenous zone right? Do I have to spell it out for you?

3)The little red dress is always a good cfm choice, but it's what is on the inside that counts! A lacy red bustier and barely there thong are sure to entice!

4)Don't forget the patent red high heels! Those are so hot, the salesmen at the store will be flocking to you before you even purchase them!

5)Fun red foods: licorice,cherries,strawberries,popsicles.....

Follow my advice and you WILL be getting a night cap!